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Dungeons & Dragons
This movie had a lot of promise, but at the end of the day it is merely a
CGI extravaganza that makes
Phantom Menace
look good in comparison. The hero, in the Luke Skywalker/Han Solo mould,
is Justin Whalin [
Lois & Clark
] while Marlon Wayans [playing the same character he did in
Scary Movie
] is the Jar-Jar - only slightly more irritating!
The two thieves team up with a babelicious rookie mage and a dwarven warrior
to form the stereotypical group of adventurers.
The final member is a negro elven tracker babe with a big-tittied breastplate.
Jeremy Irons takes the Darth Sidious role, over-acting in extremis as he stirs the Council up against the Young Queen - err, Empress. His personal Darth Maul is Bruce Payne, n on Wayans [playing the same character he did in Scary Movie ] is the Jar-Jar - only slightly more irritating! The two thieves team up with a babelicious rookie mage and a dwarven warrior to form the stereotypical group of adventurers. The final member is a negro elven tracker babe with a big-tittied breastplate.
Jeremy Irons takes the Darth Sidious role, over-acting in extremis as he stirs the Council up against the Young Queen - err, Empress. His personal Darth Maul is Bruce Payne, normally chilling as a villain [Passenger 57] but here he is boringly wooden instead. The Amidala role is taken by Thora Birch [American Beauty], also pretty wooden. Amidala wants to create social equality by legislating it! Yes, 1984 or what? In order for Sidious to defeat this menace he must either take her sceptre, which can control Gold Dragons, or obtain a similar sceptre which can control Red Dragons. Yes, our heroes must race Darth Maul to the Red Dragon Sceptre.
The high points of the movie include cameos by Richard O'Brien [ Flash Gordon and Tom Baker [ Dr Who ].
Merlin: The Return
In modern-day Wiltshire, England [whch looks suspiciously like South Africa!]
Merlin lives! Yes, Merlin [Rik Mayall - Guest House Paradiso] has
lived there for the past 1500 years as part of a small village community.
However, all that is about to change. A greedy scientist called Maxwell [
Tia Carrere
] has discovered how to open a portal to another dimension.
The parallel universe gives eternal life to any humans living there -
including Mordred [Craig Sheffer] and his army, trapped there by Merlin.
Also trapped there are Guinevere and Lancelot [Adrian Paul from
Highlander
, who also did the film's sword-fighting choreography].
Merlin's other worry is keeping control of Arthur [Patrick Bergin - Patriot Games]. Unusually for an Arthurian adaption, this time the warriors are dressed in clothes fitted to their historical time period [500 CE] rather than the Hollywood plate-armour look that is better fitted to 1400 CE!
Because this is a kiddie film, there's a stereotypical yank brat straight out of The Little Vampire . He's been moved from his home in the USA to the small english village - yes, you've heard it all before. But despite the cliched plot, there are some good aspects about the film. The cast has been mentioned, and the SPFX are quite good as well. Unlike the Dungeons and Dragons movie this does not rely on the SPFX, and thus is a much better film. The only glaring problem with it is, despite the fact that it is a kiddie film, the creators gave Tia Carrere the fate she deserved in True Lies. It just doesn't fit well here, and lets the film end on a disconcerting tone.
Spy Kids
The story is about a couple of children who discover they are the offspring of a pair of
retired Secret Agents [Antonio Banderas and
Carla Guguino
]. The parents set off on a secret mission but are captured.
The children have to overcome their differences and learn their parents'
skills in order to save the world.
This was written and directed by Robert Rodriguez , and features his favourite actors Banderas, Cheech Marin and Danny Trejo. However, the movie is in large part a James Bond parody, with a plot that would befit Austin Powers . Bond-babe Teri Hatcher pops up, and Alan Cummings [ Goldeneye ] plays Floop, a kind of Willie Wonka gone bad.
Robert Patrick [Terminator 2] and Tony Shaloub [ Galaxy Quest ] round out the list of villains.
The real prizes go the SPFX. The CGI is incredible, and takes the Bond parody to a new level.
Valentine
What is shocking about this film is not the blood and gore.
That's all pretty much standard for a pretty standard slasher-flick like this.
The really shocking thing? Well, not only is it post-
Scream
[and also post-
Scary Movie
!] but even worse it comes about a year after the dreary
Cherry Falls
[which seems to have inspired parts of it!].
My god, does nobody in Hollywood actually watch goddamn movies any more?
The film starts with a sequence reminiscent of Carrie where a ten-year-old boy has his life ruined at the Class Disco. We travel forward thirteen years, when the five bitches who tormented him are now babelicious twenty-somethings.
Katherine Heigel is one of the better-known actresses in the film, and thus one of the more expensive. This is probably why she gets killed off at the start. The killer [in a cherub mask, a reference to the far superior Halloween ] then stalks her four friends. He doesn't bump them off one at a time, but saves them for the climax. He spends most of the movie whacking stray bystanders just to pad out the film's running time and increase the body count.
Denise Richards ' character acts like a slut but in fact is a thousand times worse - she's a prick-teaser. The things she does to her victims are far worse than the fate that befalls her. In fact, she deserved the fate that befell Tia Carrere in Merlin: The Return.
This movie is also notable as the big-screen debut of David Boreanz from Angel . He's slightly less wooden than he is on TV, but he has slightly fewer lines so it probably just doesn't show as much.