The Sheriff (Kurt Russell - Escape From New York ) sets out with a small posse - his backup deputy, an Indian-fighter (Matthew Fox - Lost ) and a crippled cowboy (Patrick Wilson - Watchmen ). Hopalong wants his wife back. She looks like a young Erika Christensen - yes, he has managed to marry a woman about half his age, and he does not want to lose her.
This film is not racist against Native Americans because the villains are not a recognised tribe or nation. Instead they are Troglodytes - the Native American equivalent of the inbred hillbillies in movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre .
The film's cast is first-rate, but the actual production values are quite low. The cinematography is flawed - in several shots the central character is off-centre.
Caraway tells us of his bestest buddy, Jay Gatsby, who he met in the 1920s while living on Long Island, New York. Leonardo DeCaprio ( Man in the Iron Mask ) is excellent as Gatsby, which makes him almost out of place in this extravaganza. He seems reminiscent of his portrayal of Howard Hughes in The Aviator, with greater nuance than this film deserves.
The plot thickens with illicit sexcapades and bootlegging gangsters. Long lost love rears her head, and tragedy looms on the horizon. But this is basically a melodrama at best - too serious to be a comedy, too lacking in jeopardy to be a thriller, it is a group of people hanging out amid the incredible luxury of the pre-Wall Street Crash era.
President US Grant hires Hex to take on deranged Confederate General John Malkovich ( Being John Malkovich ) and his Oirish henchman Michael Fassbender ( Haywire ). Naturally, Hex has a personal grudge against them for killing his wife.
The plot is basically Wild Wild West with a couple of changes. The Buffalo Soldier is now a Confederate turncoat, and the relationship between the General and the Southern Plantation-Owner ( Hunger Games ) is reversed. However, the core storyline is pretty much the same. No gigantic mechanical spider, however.
Tarzan visits some old friends in the Congo, along with Jane (a feisty damsel in distress) and Jackman (the Murtagh - getting to old for this shit). Despite it being the 1880s he discovers some mistreatments of natives that were in reality uncovered by Sir Roger Casement decades later, just before the First World War. The natives have been enslaved because Belgium is bankrupt and cannot afford to pay them. The reason it is broke is because the Congo's precious gem-stones are hoarded by a cannibal king (Djimon Hounsou - Guardians of the Galaxy ) who has a blood-feud against Tarzan.
The villain's plan for the gems is to hire an army of twenty thousand mercenaries and build fifty forts, each with four hundred men to garrison it. To be fair, the country is full of boat-eating hippos, man-eating crocodiles and flesh-eating cannibals. And these are only the monsters we see on-screen! Perhaps such an army would be a good thing, to protect innocent people from the horrors.
A Police Detective (Bill Nighy - Shaun Of The Dead ) and his constable (Daniel Mays - Rogue One ) are assigned to catch the serial killer. If they can prove that the dead man is the killer, then the wife will be given grounds for appeal.
This was written by Jane Goldman , who has delivered a series of great films in the past. This is adapted from a novel, and is unfortunately the worst thing she has done. The disturbing Feminist undertone is the worst thing since Sherlock Homes: The Undead Bride .
Hammer dons the persona of the Lone Ranger and teams up with Tonto. The heroes are aided by the cliched tart with the heart of gold - a one-legged Madame ( Helena Bonham Carter ). The plot involves a slave mine (like in Zorro ) used to finance the villain's evil plot. The climax involves the continental meet-up at Promontory point (like in Wild, Wild West ), and a battle aboard a CGI steam-train (see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter ).
The protagonist (Sam Clafin - ) invites the title character ( Rachel Weitz ) to come and stay with him. Unfortunately he begins to suspect that she means to do him harm.
The suporting cast includes Iain Glenn ( Game of Thrones ).
Nearby, Edgar Allan Poe (John Cusack - Hot Tub Time Machine ) himself is busy drinking himself to death. Well, he would if he could because he is flat broke. He also wants to marry Alice Eve , daughter of the rich and powerful Brendan Gleason ( Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire ).
The killer starts bumping off a series of nobodies, in manners based on Poe's macabre stories. Naturally, the damsel in distress is buried alive and Poe himself is challenged to save her while the whole Police Force is baffled.
This never manages to evoke the thrills of Se7en , which has a similar plot but is much better handled. Theatre of Blood manages a light-hearted take on the serial killer spree, while this effort merely lumbers it with half-hearted period piece cosmetics.
This is all quite revisionist and politically correct. The Native Americans are portrayed as innocent, compared to the villainous French-Canadians.
With a running length of almost three hours this is Oscars fodder. Lots of scenery and mood, little dialogue and (most critically for the Hollywood mainstream) NO CAR CHASE mean that it is stuck firmly in the arthouse genre.
Coriolanus (Ralph Feinnes - Skyfall ) is the general in charge of the defence of Rome. He leads an attack on the forces of his arch-enemy (Gerard Butler - ). Once victorious, he tries to translate this into political success at home. This is all a bit reminiscent of the real-life story of Julius Caesar .
Unfortunately Coriolanus does not manage to get mass popular support. The rabble prefer a career politician (Brian Cox - Manhunter ). In fact, they are so incensed that the Tribune (James Nesbitt - The Hobbit ) has the victorious general punished and sent into exile.
Coriolanus seeks out his arch-enemy, Gerry B, and volunteers to lead the foreign army against Rome. The result is a successful invasion. Will the saviour of Rome now become its destroyer?
The story is a familiar one. MacBeth (Michael Fassbender - Haywire ) is the general who commands the Kingdom of Scotland’s forces. Egged on by his wife ( Marion Cotillard ) he assassinates the king, and takes the throne for himself. Banquo (Paddy Considine - Dead Man’s Shoes ) is MacBeth’s loyal sidekick, Banquo. MacDuff is like wise played by a familiar face, a rent-a-villain with a powerful screen presence.
The story retains the original Shakespearean dialogue. What is original, beyond the cast and style, is the setting. It was filmed mainly on location in the Scottish Highlands, so it emphasises the brutality of Braveheart rather than the subtlety of other films.
Noah (Russell Crowe - Robin Hood ) and Jennifer Connolly are breeding a cult of inbred cannibalistic cave-men - like in The Hills Have Eyes . Okay, we do not see cannibalism on-screen, but they do not eat the flesh of beasts so they must eat the flesh of men instead. It tastes like pork ... but it is not pork, so it is kosher. They have three sons (including Logan Lerman - Percy Jackson ) and recruit Emma Watson , who is barren.
Noah has weird dreams, like something out of a Darren Aronofsky Movie. He seeks out his grandfather, Methuselah (Anthony Hopkins - Silence of the Lambs ), who helps explain the prophecy. The Creator will exterminate the entire human race, but Noah must save the cuddly critters. They team up with some fallen angels (think of the stone monster in Galaxy Quest ) who do the heavy lifting in the ark's construction.
There is a subplot concerning the King of Men (Ray Winstone - Beowulf ). Yes, Beowulf wants to save the human race from the vengeful Creator. Noah, on the other hand, is a genocidal madman. For whom should the audience cheer? This subplot could be dispensed with entirely, without any real change to the film.
The main issue of the film is Noah's intent to exterminate humanity. He is so intent that when Emma gets pregnant, he wants to murder her offspring if it is female.
The baby, raised as the son of the king's daughter, grows up to be Moses (Charlton Heston - Planet of the Apes (1968) ). His rival is Rameses (Yul Brynner - Westworld (1971) ), who Moses believes is his younger brother.
Moses is victorious as General in an off-screen battle against the Ethiopians. The next item on the Egyptian agenda is the Hebrew slaves, who are building a city under the command of the head overseer (Edward G Robinson - Soylent Green (1971) ) and the Master Builder (Vincent Price - The Abominable Dr Phibes ). Moses decides that starving the slaves to death is a bad idea, so he gives them free food and one day of rest every week. In the modern day that would be regarded as Communism by the Religious Right, but back in the McCarthyite era the future president of the NRA got away with it.
The Sci-Fi movie 10,000 BC explains that the pyramids were built by cave-men with the aid of wooly mammoths, because they had been enslaved by the last survivors of Atlantis. That film has about as much historical accuracy as this one does.
Moses (Christian Bale - Batman Begins ) is raised at the court of the Pharoh, along with his jealous cousin Rameses (Joel Edgerton - Midnight Special ). They keep the Hebrews in a state of slavery. Eventually a Rabbi (Ben Kingsley - A Sound Of Thunder ) reveals the truth - Moses is a secret Hebrew!
Moses gets exiled, and helps some prostitutes persecute local shepherds. Presumably they want to extort cheap wool so they can work as seamstresses. Then he falls and gets a concussion, which brings on a halucination of a burning bush. A creepy little boy tells him that he should look after his own people, which is basically divinely-inspired racial segregation. He takes the suggestion to heart, and heads back to Egypt so he can stir up trouble.
Moses trains the Hebrews to use guerrilla tactics, because they are not strong enough to attack the Pharoh's army in open battle. However, he chooses to hit civilian targets. His theory is that the Egyptian people will force Rameses to capitulate. Of course, if his own terror gang cannot fight the army then the unarmed civilians have no chance. Also, if he destroys the food supply then what will his own people have to eat?
Rameses holds fast against Moses' terrorism. Eventually the Egyptians are hit with a series of apparently magical plagues. Well, it has only taken four hundred years of slavery for the sky-pixie to intervene. One of Pharoh's advisors (Ewan Bremner - Wonder Woman ) comes up with an explanation that approximates modern scientific theory on the inspiration for the Bible tale. Of course, this character is portrayed as an idiot. Likewise, the Egyptian Priestess ( Indira Varna ) is unsuccessful.
When the tenth and final plague hits, we are left with no doubt that the cause is supernatural. This is not really a genre-shift, because everyone familiar with western culture knows the story. However, this sets up the climactic crossing of the Red Sea.
Samson (Taylor James - ) and his brother mess around as jokey heist artists, in scenes reminiscent of the start of The Scorpion King . Their tribe is oppressed by their neighbours, the Philistines, but Samson has superhuman strength so he can do what he likes.
Our hero wants to marry a Philistine girl. His mother ( Lindsay Wagner ) and father (Rutger Hauer - Blade Runner ) disaprove. After all, they are the master-race. Likewise, the Philistine Prince does what he can do to disrupt things.
Samson, supposedly a hero, goes on a kill-crazy rampage. He even sets the crops on fire, which would leave the entire population - including women and children - to suffer death by starvation. In other words, a blatant act of ethnic cleansing. This leads on to a wonderful illustration of an anthopological phenomenon called the Broca Divide. What happens when the barbarian meets the civilised man? We watch as a bare-chested cave-man armed only with a makeshift club takes on an entire army equipped with iron weapons and helmets. More than that, he defeats them with relative ease.
The Philistine king (Billy Zane - Titanic (1997) ) is remarkably forgiving. His good will is wasted on the so-called hero.
They wander a wilderness that is practically post-apocalyptic. The movie has the visual emptiness of the Mad Max series combined with the slowness of The Road . Strangely, it was filmed in Italy rather than North Africa.
Since this is told from Mary's perspective, a lot seems to be missed out. While Last Temptation of Christ was filled with events and spectacles, this seems very empty in comparison.
This film has incredible potential. Uncle Bully from Once Were Warriors is the undead ruler of a cult of blood-drinking fanatics. Heroic soldiers Joseph Feinnes ( American Horror Story: Asylum ) and Tom Felton ( Harry Potter ) must hunt him down before he goes on a kill-crazy rampage. What could possibly go wrong?
Realistically, this is a modern-day attempt at a Biblical epic. The truth is that Proof destroys Faith, because Faith is merely blind hope.
Dracula is a great swordsman, trained as a Jannisary (during his time as a Royal hostage) and skilled enough to take out several of the Sultan’s best men single-handedly. However, this is not enough. He makes an offer to a murderous vampire (Charles Dance - Game of Thrones ). Drac will have temporary vamp powers for 72 hours, and as long as he does not drink human blood in that time his humanity will return.
Naturally, things go wrong. Drac has to abandon his plan, and falls to darkness. However, he still manages to be the hero of the piece.
The movie is set up for a modern-day sequel, thanks to some Lost -Type exposition about an eternal battle between good and evil.
After the protagonist makes her escape, she hides out with her friend – police detective James Lanier (Aldis Hodge - Die Hard With A Vengeance (1995) ). After a couple of weeks, they get word that the abusive husband killed himself. Then, a few days later, strange things start to happen around the house.
The protagonist insists that her husband somehow faked his death, and has managed to turn himself invisible in order to harrass her. Lanier and the other cops find it easier to believe that she is slowly going insane. The third option, which is never even mentioned out loud, is that a supenatural force like a ghost might be involved.
So what is this - a psychological thriller about a woman slowly losing her mind, or a scifi monster movie named after the villain? Well, one of the trailer clips gives away the secret. But the movie is a tight, well-made thriller that delivers what it promises.
Tom Cruise is in his fifties, but he plays a US military recon operator who in reality would probably be at most in his thirties. The female love interest is in her thirties, but Hollywood usually uses the half-his-age-plus-seven ratio. Cruise's character is not a standard by-the book military type, but an anachronic adventurer. If he had to be compared with a character in The Mummy (1999) , the best comparison would be Benny the grave-robber.
Cruise, his comedy sidekick (Jake Johnston from New Girl) and love interest find the Mummy's tomb. The General (Courtney B Vance - ) has the coffin flown from Iraq all the way to England, a trip of two thousand miles without a stop-off or any apparent refueling.
Back in London, there is a secret agency run by Doctor Henry Jekyll (Russell Crowe - Robin Hood (2010) ). They are the ones trying to control the magical super-villains of the world. Their plan is to capture the Mummy before she can raise a zombie army and conquer London.
The idea of a secret agency run by a super-villain has many problems. Jekyll's evil alter-ego, Mister Hyde, predictably appears. He is mainly recognisable because he has a working-class mockney accent. At least he is not completely overblown, like the version in the somewhat similar League of Extraordinary Gentlemen .
This was meant to be the first episode in Universal Studio's Dark Universe Franchise. Presumably they intended to do yet another Dracula reboot, rather than just tie in to Dracula Untold , which was left open-ended for a sequel that never happened.
Our hunchbacked hero is liberated by Victor Frankenstein (James McAvoy - X-Men: First Class ), who names him Igor and recruits him as a lab assistant. Together they attempt to raise the dead.
The duo come to the attention of a police detective (Andrew Scott) who has the skills of Sherlock Holmes. Ironically, the actor is most easily recognised from his role as Moriarty in the BBC show Sherlock. However, he does have a villainous streak because he is a religious fundamentalist who believes that science (or at least Frankenstein's particular field of interest) is evil.
Frankenstein's father is Charles Dance, who also played a mentor figure in Dracula Untold . Perhaps he is meant to be the same character in both movies, thus linking them and putting them in the same universe. After all, Universal Studios has more recently launched its new Dark Universe with its disasterous effort The Mummy (2017) .
Benicio Del Toro ( Licence To Kill ) is the hero. His mother was Spanish and he spent his entire adult life in America, which conveniently explains how he became the most unlikely English Gentleman. When the hero gets word of his brother's death he returns to stay in the family mansion with his father (Anthony Hopkins - Silence of the Lambs ), faithful Sikh manservant Singh (Art Malik - Living Daylights ) and the dead brother's fiance ( Emily Blunt ).
The brother is only one of a string of mutilated corpses. Inspector Abeline of Scotland Yard (Hugo Weaving - The Matrix, Lord of the Rings ) pays a visit. The main suspect is the protagonist himself, of course. And since the curse can be spread by a bite ...
The premise is excellent - Hercules (The Rock - Doom ) cheats to make himself look superhuman. He actually has a team of helpers, including Ian McShane ( His Dark Materials ) and Rufus Sewell ( The Knight’s Tale ). But Ratner (related to Gerald?) makes Herc so super-strong he can TKO five men with a single swing of his club, or punch a beefy man ten feet through the air. It is like the cheesy intro to Scorpion King (only using his nephew instead of his brother).
The actual quest turns into a lot of plot clichés too - the hero’s personal grudge (the death of his wife and children) and the predictable plot non-twists. There are actually two named female speaking parts (a princess and an amazon warrior), but it does not pass the Bechdel test.
Hercules wanders around in his loincloth, accompanied by a couple of women in leotards. He has to save them repeatedly from human sacrifice by a variety of monsters and cultists.
This is a low-budget Swords and Sandals effort from 1985. It is so cheap that it makes Red Sonya look like Conan the Barbarian . One particular low point is the scene that rips off the Clash of the Titans (1980) sequence where Perseus is stalked by Medusa.
Hercules grows up to be Kellan Lutz ( Expendables 3 ). He gets sent off on a mission with Liam McIntyre ( Spartacus ), but they end up getting enslaved. Now they must fight as gladiators, until they get the chance to return home and overthrow the dictator.