Texas Ranger Earl McGraw (Don Johnson - Machete ) and his protege, Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia), stop off at Benny's World of Liquor. Unfortunately they run into the Gecko brothers, a murderous pair of cut-throats on the run from the law.
This is a made-for-TV reboot of the excellent movie of the same name. A lot of the language has been toned down from the original, and Earl's complaint about Nadine's food is now about the beans, rather than the cook. A real Texan would not eat beans anyway, but that is not the point.
The main point of contrast with the original is the casting of the Gecko brothers. Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) does a decent impersonation of George Clooney, but Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) is a pretty-boy with a pair of spectacles instead of a personality. Tarantino did a decent job in the original film, although it has been suggested than someone like Tim Roth could have made the part truly memorable.
The origins of Santamonica Pandemonium is different as well. She is no longer The Hangman's Daughter , she is a Mayan girl from before the Spanish conquest of Mexico. Also, she seems to have a psychic link with Richie Gecko, which would explain his apparent mental illness. However, somehow Carlos Madrigal (Wilmer Valderrama - Minority Report: The Series ) - the Gecko's Cartel contact - knows about the psychic link. This must be a deliberate move to prevent the kind of Genre Shift that occurred in the original film.
Jacob Fuller (Robert Patrick - Terminator 2 ) is grieving for his dead wife. He takes his daughter and foster-son on a driving tour of Texas.
Meanwhile, the Geckos make their high-speed escape from the shoot-out. They still have a latina woman as hostage from the bank robbery. Just as the previous episode had multiple flashbacks of the shootout, so we now have flashbacks of the robbery.
Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) is still in pursuit of the Geckos. His boss takes him off the case, since he is now personally involved, but he takes it upon himself to steal evidence and follow leads. One man in a car will not do as good a job as an inter-Agency task-force with helicopters. However, nobody will believe Freddie's theory that Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) is a serial killer.
Carlos Madrigal (Wilmer Valderrama - Minority Report: The Series ) is en route to help the brothers. Not only do we get to see why he knows about the vampires, we also get the first vampiric feeding of the show. However, it seems that for some reason the Fuller family are part of his plan.
Jacob Fuller (Robert Patrick - Terminator 2 ) and his family have to stop while he gets the vehicle fixed.
Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) gets some exposition from a specialist. Professor Aiden Tanner (Jake Busey - Starship Troopers ) knows exactly what the vampires are up to.
Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) stops at a Kahuna Burger place to meet his wife (former co-star Adrianne Palicki ). Unfortunately this means leaving Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) alone with the hostage.
Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) is closing in on the Geckos. Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) left a pattern of sacrificial murders to mark out the blood cult's cross-border route. Freddie has flashbacks to his days as a rookie under Texas Ranger Earl McGraw (Don Johnson - Machete ). Also, he starts to have halucinations about a violent criminal he once saw killed.
The Geckos take Jacob Fuller (Robert Patrick - Terminator 2 ) and his family hostage. However, things are slowly spiraling out of control. Richie can read Kate's surface thoughts, and also knows when the cops have arrived long before Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) works it out.
Jacob Fuller (Robert Patrick - Terminator 2 ) reluctantly drives the Geckos towards the Mexican border. However, he is beset with flashbacks to the car crash that killed his wife. Much like the preacher in Signs , he has lost faith in the god that did not listen to his prayers.
Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) has not only lost the Geckos, he has also been suspended from duty for disobeying direct orders. However, this is in his best interests in the long run. After all, no US cop can solve his big case until he is suspended. Freddie goes to the border crossing point.
Carlos Madrigal (Wilmer Valderrama - Minority Report: The Series ) has not been seen for a couple of episodes. He is back, and has a plan to get the Geckos over the border. To start with, he is a vampiric shape-shifter. Also, he has a couple of gunmen with automatic weapons and surpressors to provide covering fire from the Mexican side of the border.
The fugitives arrive at the Titty Twister. However, Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) starts to get very nervous. To start with, the ancient Mayan decor has the same eye emblem as Richie's obsidian knife. Also, it is Carlos' bar which means it is a dangerous place to make a deal in.
Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) has illegally crossed into Mexico. However, all this means is that is is deep in enemy territory with no backup and no real clue as to where the Geckos are. All he can do is look for the blood-cult snake-worshipping drug cartel.
Carlos Madrigal (Wilmer Valderrama - Minority Report: The Series ) has a special plan for the night's celebrations. The original movie made the blood sacrifice seem a regular thing. However, this version seems to link it to a feast for the nine houses. Each of the nine Mayan gods of the Underworld has sent its High Priest to the sacrifice. Lots of awesome supporting characters are in the bar too.
Santánico Pandemonium ( Eiza González ) makes her grand entrance. Unfortunately the whole scene, lifted from the original movie, suffers quite badly in the comparison. The original set-piece was ten minutes in a massive movie set, while this is a much briefer skirmish in a relatively small TV studio.
At last, the main characters are all in the same place at the same time. Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) and Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) team up with Professor Aiden Tanner (Jake Busey - Starship Troopers ), while Jacob Fuller (Robert Patrick - Terminator 2 ) and his teenagers tag along for safety.
The episode starts with a personal flashback for Carlos (Wilmer Valderrama - Minority Report: The Series ). As he later explains to the Ranger, he was a Catholic Conquistador who was converted by the pagan goddess herself.
Santánico Pandemonium ( Eiza González ) offers Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) the chance at eternal life. To convince him, she gives him some exposition in the form of her own personal backstory. It is pretty much what was aluded to in previous episodes. However, it does help open the story to future possibilities.
Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ), Professor Aiden Tanner (Jake Busey - Starship Troopers ) and Jacob Fuller (Robert Patrick - Terminator 2 ) try to get out via the tunnels through the heart of the pyramid. We discover that Tanner's pseydonym, Dave Sex Machine, is a pun on Deus Ex Machina. At least this is more appropriate for an academic, although the character has been extensively re-written from the original script.
The good news is, our heroes meet another survivor - a big scary black man who has a massive store of supplies. The bad news is, the tunnels themselves are a labyrinth that twists through time as well as space, and makes the victims relive the worst experiences in their lives.
Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) completes his transition, courtesy of Santánico Pandemonium ( Eiza González ).
Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) is obsessed with hunting down Richie. Jacob Fuller (Robert Patrick - Terminator 2 ) and his daughter go looking for Scott. Yes, there is a real Cain and Abel theme to this episode.
Professor Aiden Tanner (Jake Busey - Starship Troopers ) teams up with Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia). They stand a better chance than most would.
Santanico gives the Gecko brothers a job. They drive all the way across the border to do a heist in Houston, Texas. Their mark is a Texan gangster called Big Jim Thompson (William Sadler - Roswell ), who apparently serves the vampire gods by holding Santanico's coffin for them.
Seth gets a vision of his father (James Remar - Shannara Chronicles ), who gives him some very unsettling information. Remar is most recognisable to modern audiences as the father of a different serial killer, Dexter.
Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) and Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) bust into the vault guarded by Big Jim Thompson (William Sadler - Roswell ), to save Santánico Pandemonium ( Eiza González ).
Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) confronts Professor Aiden Tanner (Jake Busey - Starship Troopers ). It turns out that Carlos (Wilmer Valderrama - Minority Report: The Series ) did not do the serial killer work himself, he delegated it to a minion. Of course, this is a bit of a plot contradiction. Anyway, the Ranger still wants payback on the Geckos for his mentor's death.
Jacob Fuller (Robert Patrick - Terminator 2 ) confronts Scott. There was a real Cain and Abel theme to the previous episode, but this time it is father-versus-son. After all, Seth discovered what happened to his own father.
Carlos needs the bearer bonds that the Geckos stole in Episode One. They are the key plot device in the next Season. However, Seth is unwilling to part with them. Carlos and his new business partner take Richie hostage ...
Reviewed in our special supplement
Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) has made it back to Texas, and is shacked up with Santánico Pandemonium ( Eiza González ). He has certainly done well for himself. Despite being much prettier than the Tarantino character in the movie, not to mention considerably more sane, he still knows an awful lot about movies. Unfortunately, his woman is on the war-path. She talks him into joining her war against the blood cult. They start by staging a robbery at the Texas branch.
Lord Amancio Malvado (Esai Morales - Caprica ) arrives at the Titty Twister. He is less than happy at the mess that remains from Season One. He gathers his forces, then sends the Regulator (Danny Trejo - Machete ) after the Gecko brothers.
Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) is stuck back in Mexico with Kate Fuller ( Madison Davenport ). They pull nickel-and-dime heists in order to get some spending money. The bad news is, many of the townspeople are actually vampires. The good news is, there is a big score to be had. Kate makes friends with a vamp who sells candles, while Seth gets involved with Sonja ( Brianna Evigan ) - a tattooist who sells forged passports.
The Regulator (Danny Trejo - Machete ) is after Seth. This is reminiscent of the Saint of Killers subplot in the Preacher comics.
Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) is back in the motel room, suffering from heroin withdrawl. Sonja ( Brianna Evigan ) tries to help him get through it, but he has severe delusions.
Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) is now the sane one. He drops by Uncle Eddie (Jeff Fahy - Planet Terror ) and gets a connection to a local pimp. Santánico Pandemonium ( Eiza González ) has a truck filled with hot Latina women, and she trains them to dance so she and Richie can sell them. The plan is to infiltrate the Cartel via the human trafficking ring.
Professor Aiden Tanner (Jake Busey - Starship Troopers ) has been sent home to retrieve his prized possession - the Savini document (named after the guy who played Sex Machine in the original movie). Unfortunately Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) has already found it. Can Tanner get it back without getting himself killed?
Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) takes Sonja ( Brianna Evigan ) north of the border. They meet up with Uncle Eddie (Jeff Fahy - Planet Terror ), who gives Seth a job as a debt collector.
Santánico Pandemonium ( Eiza González ) and Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) take their plan to the next level.
Lord Amancio Malvado (Esai Morales - Caprica ) sends Carlos Madrigal (Wilmer Valderrama - Minority Report: The Series ) to hunt down Santanico.
Kate Fuller ( Madison Davenport ) gets home, and discovers her brother has headed home too. How will he manage, being the only Oriental vampire in suburbia?
Santánico Pandemonium ( Eiza González ) is now in the hands of Carlos Madrigal (Wilmer Valderrama - Minority Report: The Series ).
Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) and Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) reluctantly team up again. They go after the truck-load of slave-girls. Unfortunately Seth is a bit trigger-happy, and they keep missing opportunities to interrogate people.
Kate Fuller ( Madison Davenport ) and Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) deal with Kate's brother. He knows about the Cartel, but is he a reluctant victim or a willing recruit?
The Gecko Brothers have a sit-down to discuss a heist at the villain's lair. Instead of doing it at a traditional place like a pancake house, they do it at an expensive restuarant. Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) brings Sonja ( Brianna Evigan ), who knows of the cartel's existence but still has no idea what they are. Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) brings Santánico Pandemonium ( Eiza González ), who is unhappy about having to team up with humans.
Professor Aiden Tanner (Jake Busey - Starship Troopers ) is still searching for the bonds. Kate Fuller ( Madison Davenport ) and Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) have them, but are busy investigating the mass grave. They discover an old case of Earl McGraw's.
The Regulator (Danny Trejo - Machete ) brings Carlos Madrigal (Wilmer Valderrama - Minority Report: The Series ) back to the Titty Twister. Somehow he managed to smuggle him across the border by dragging him behind a car.
Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) has a sit-down with Lord Amancio Malvado (Esai Morales - Caprica ) in order to negotiate a deal. He wants to turn over Santánico Pandemonium ( Eiza González ) so he can have his brother back again. Of course, this is the stupidest plan ever.
How will Uncle Eddie (Jeff Fahy - Planet Terror ) deal with his plan being compromised? Also, the Regulator (Danny Trejo - Machete ) is still on their tail.
The Geckos and their girlfriends put their plan into action. The first step is to take over the meat plant in Austin, Texas. The place is run by Wynn Davies from Justified.
Sonja ( Brianna Evigan ) has her hair tied back, and looks a lot like Hayden Panetierre . But is she trustworthy? Despite the fact that Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) himself made a deal with Lord Amancio Malvado (Esai Morales - Caprica ) in the very last episode, he is unlikely to forgive anyone else who does exactly what he did.
Carlos Madrigal (Wilmer Valderrama - Minority Report: The Series ) makes his own play for the throne. His team includes Professor Aiden Tanner (Jake Busey - Starship Troopers ) and Kate Fuller ( Madison Davenport ).
Back in 1912, Gary Busey built an oil well on the site of the human sacrifices. In the modern day, his descendant Professor Aiden Tanner (Jake Busey - Starship Troopers ) leads his boss Carlos Madrigal (Wilmer Valderrama - Minority Report: The Series ) to the site. If they bottle the blood they will have its power for themselves.
Lord Amancio Malvado (Esai Morales - Caprica ) sends Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) off to take the blood from Carlos and his men. He even gives him Kate Fuller ( Madison Davenport ) as a guide.
Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) tries to make it out with the loot. Will he end up like Wynn Davies (from Justified)?
Santánico Pandemonium ( Eiza González ) is the one that Malvado really wants. She has lost the element of surprise. Can she possibly face someone as powerful as him single-handed?
This episode was directed by Robert Rodriguez himself, director of the original movie twenty years previously.
Carlos Madrigal (Wilmer Valderrama - Minority Report: The Series ) has the holy blood. Now he wants to take over the Calebra Empire. His army includes Demi Lavato and Professor Aiden Tanner (Jake Busey - Starship Troopers ). But how far can he trust his underlings?
Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) is the other claimant to the throne. However, he also has some allies who are less than pleased with him. Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) and Santánico Pandemonium ( Eiza González ) feel that he sold them out in the previous episode, although things certainly turned out for the best for them. Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) is also along for the ride.
The truck-stop is staffed by a crew of hungry vampires, and if they do not get the holy blood soon they will feed on the customers. Can the Geckos and their allies save the day and prevent another Titty Twister-style massacre?
Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) and Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) have been hired by the Vampire Lords as bag-men, collecting tribute from the under-bosses across Mexico. Likewise, Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) is the peacekeeper. And all goes well ... for the first six months.
When Carlos blew up the Titty Twister, he unleashed all the demons imprisoned under the temple. Now they are on the loose, and one of them can possess victims by stealing their skulls.
Five months ago, Kate Fuller ( Madison Davenport ) - now possessed by the Demon Queen - escaped from the Nicotero State Hospital. Now, with the Vampire Lords all but gone, she is the most powerful creature in the territory.
Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) and Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) cannot hold the vampires together. To build an army they need Santánico Pandemonium ( Eiza González ), who is now running a cage-fighting venue nearby. Despite her cleavage-enhancing outfit, the lap-dancing is a thing of the past.
Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) spends his time as the peacekeeper by saving suburban middle-class Americans from attack by working-class vampires who should obey the treaty and only feed on border rats and bikers. Unfortunately, the demons are burning vampires in Waco so the refugees are flooding into the suburbs ...
Since Santanico split up with Ritchie, she has now hooked up with a lesbian. Will this be a case of the Bury your gays trope? In all fairness, the whole Women in Refrigerators trope is about how straight relationships always end badly too. Either way, the purpose of supporting characters is to provide support for the regular characters.
Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) and Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) go looking for the supernatural bounty-hunter who imprisoned most of the escaped demons. He is believed dead, and his farmland is now a desert, but Bert (Tom Savini - Machete ) sells weed at a nearby gas station.
Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) is the peacekeeper. He investigates the case of an abducted, mutilated vampire. Professor Aiden Tanner (Jake Busey - Starship Troopers ) is back at his day job, but he has turned a group of his students. The freak-of-the-week is targeting Tanner's group.
We get a lot of exposition about the Queen and her hierarchy. The demons think of the vampires as slaves and cattle, sort of like how the vamps think of humans. The Overseer's job is to discipline rebellious vampires by surgically removing their venom glands, the equivalent of castration.
There are also a few references to works by Quentin Tarantino . Savini is the first actor to appear who was in the original FDTD film, so he has a meeting with Busey - who plays his character, Sex Machine. The villain of the week wears a bandana to mask his facial damage, just like the Zoe Bell character in Tarantino's Django Unchained .
After murdering his best friends, Scott has become guitarist in a traveling band of musicians. They do not feed on virgin girls - instead they prefer males who have abused females. Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) does the same thing, so there is no moral high ground.
Kate Fuller ( Madison Davenport ) - now possessed by the Demon Queen - comes after Scott. Luckily Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) is nearby, and takes Scott to be guarded by the Gecko brothers. The demons send their Jaguar Warriors to get Scott.
Professor Aiden Tanner (Jake Busey - Starship Troopers ) is not on the team this week. However, he has published a book on the vampire mythology so the brothers can use it for exposition instead.
The Demon Queen's henchman taunts the Peacekeeper, reminding him that he once swore vengeance for his mentor Texas Ranger Earl McGraw (Don Johnson - Machete ). This is the first mention of McGraw in a couple of years, but ties in with end sequence. After all, the original character in the movie also appeared in Planet Terror , where he had a daughter ... a blonde doctor.
Professor Aiden Tanner (Jake Busey - Starship Troopers ) has been hanging out with Bert (Tom Savini - Machete ).
Ms McGraw ( Nicky Whelan ) boasts to Ranger Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia) about her psychopathic plan to murder Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ). He does not tell her the obvious response - that she must be insane, and clearly imagined the whole thing. After all, if she really shot an unarmed man in the chest with a 12-gauge shotgun - and he survived - she really messed up.
Amara ( Madison Davenport ) has her minion unleash a plague of locusts upon the humans, turning them into cannibals - like the episode of Supernatural with Famine, the Horseman of the Apocalypse.
The good guys get the situation under control, but then their old greviences all bubble to the surface. Yes, as well as Famine/Gluttony there is War/Wrath.
Five months ago, Kate Fuller ( Madison Davenport ) - now possessed by the Demon Queen Amaru - escaped from the Nicotero State Hospital. Now the place lies abandoned, so it is the perfect place to dump Richie (Zane Holtz - Vampires Suck! ) after she abducted him.
Professor Aiden Tanner (Jake Busey - Starship Troopers ) has been searching with Bert (Tom Savini - Machete ) and Glenn for the last three days. Seth (D.J. Cotrona - GI Joe: Retaliation ) rounds up the rest of the army, and they go to save Richie. It is probably a trap, but they go in anyway. In the first Season, Richie was driven insane by mental manipulation that made him obsessed with Santanico. Now, he is being manipulated by the new Queen.