[Chariots of War III]
The announcer instructed Please stand for the National Anthem . As we complied, we got the Joxer the Mighty song.
Ted enters, and breaks the mood with a couple of well-timed pratfalls. Then he tells us about a previous Con he was at.
GUY Can you tell my wife you took all my money?
TED Why?
GUY I spent it all on merchandise
TED Why don't you tell her that?
GUY Because I spent it all on photos of you.
How many of you were here last year? Ted asked. Most of the audience stuck up their hands. I can't use the old crap.
Ted tries to adjust the microphone.
Forget American know-how, it's all about brute force.
Broke actors buy everything in bulk - Toilet paper, phone cards to call the manager and beg for work.
On Friday Ted went to the British museum, and he remarks on how everything in it is so - old! Ted says it's really cool. There's a sign that says Treasures from around the world - according to Ted it should read Treasures STOLEN from around the world.
British Candy with names like skittles, magic stars, time out Ted suggested new names like groovy and not a problem
What was your best moment on Xena?
Ted asks us if we've seen the most recent episodes.
Satellite TV compared to regular TV is like an F-18 compared to a turtle.
It also allows people to give spoilers - when you watch regular TV and
the episode starts they phone up and say In this episode, what you're about to see ...
Ted says his favourite is the fight scenes, and jokes I'm a pretty physical guy. It gave me a chance to do cool stuff. Remember when I was on SeaQuest? I sat in front of a computer all day.
What's your scariest moment on Xena?
[this voice came seemingly from nowhere]
TED Right now! I heard there were haunted places in England, I just didn't think they were at Heathrow.
The scariest scenes were ones involving horses. He didn't see one until he was aged 25. The kiwis were blokeish, they all thought it was hilarious.
What character do you play in the new Spiderman character?
Hoffman, head of advertising.
What have you been doing since Xena ended?
Selling drugs.
Ted did a movie called Attic Expeditions with Seth Green [ Buffy the Vampire Slayer ]. It's due out in October 2001, a Hallowe'en release in the USA.
Ted also did a Francis Ford Coppola project called The Illusion
Ted also directed a music video for an LA-based group.
The vocalist is from Manchester.
It will probably be on VH1.
[editor: the video is psychadelic/retro, with a jokey script]
Ted is getting ready to shoot the next one, then two more after that.
What's your favourite Xena episode?
For Him The Bell Tolls
Lucy Lawless was on the Jay Leno Show. She fell off her horse and broke her hip. Rob Tapert [Ted puts on a MidWest accent] commissioned some Joxer-intensive episodes. They had a good message, and he got to kiss chicks.
Are you that clumsy in real life?
Ted humiliates every girl he's ever dated.
He took one to a restuarant called The Dome,
frequented by executives, producers and so on.
It's a flashy LA place.
He did the soup gag, where he goes to drink the soup,
misses his mouth and drops the soup into a secret bowl in his lap.
In Key to the Kingdom, Meg can't have children.
Who is Virgil's mother? Did the scriptwriters forget?
Yeah!
Renee and Ted are most hated by the crew because they laugh too much.
The one scene they couldn't finish was the one where Ted had to say
I feel there's a big hole ...
What would you like to do as your dream project?
Ted's getting script and finance to do a Harold Loyd biopic.
Did Lucy Lawless really wear banana-flavoured cream?
No, generic vanilla-flavour
Are you still writing The DJ script?
It's finished, he's getting finance.
What's your favourite blooper?
I mess up a lot, it's hard to pick one.
The most humiliating moment in
Xena
is every one since the first.
You did three episodes of
Hercules
with Michael Hurst. What's he like?
Short.
He goes off and recites Shakespeare for no reason.
Most actors put theatre secondary,
but Michael prefers theatre to movies and TV!
Why doesn't Lucy Lawless do UK Cons?
She's got two kids, one's a baby. She wants to be near the kids.
When you were in old guy make-up, what was it like?
Tough. Ted had to wake at 3am, and didn't leave the set until 8pm.
They computer-generate you to see you as an OAP, and when Ted saw himself
he said That's my dad!
Who doesn't want a Gabby and Joxer romance?
Mostly women.
Tapert told Ted I don't want to bug you, but a lot of girls watch the show.
Ted - Yeah?
Tapert - Not THOSE kinda girls, Ted.
Ted - Oh.
You were interviewed once and you said you
didn't do later Xena eps because it interfered with the relationship.
It killed the relationship.
Hey honey, see you in four months.
Who are your heroes?
Guys like Ben Franklin, Tesla
Alexandra Tidings mentioned Dress Day on the set,
where the men would all wear frocks.
Ted - I thought you said Dress Stain.
All the burly crew in frilly things that showed off their tattoos.
We heard you had a strange eye accident lately.
Ted notes that it's strange when people read about you on the Net.
Ted went to Austin, Texas for Renee O'Connor's wedding to a kiwi named Steve. He rubbed his eye, and somehow got a rusty needle in his eye. He was rushed to hospital. Were you in an industrial plant? the doctor asked [Ted did his Midwest accent]. You've got a big chunk of metal stuck in your eye.
The doctor stuck Ted in an eye-brace like the one in Clockwork Orange , and said Let's see if I can find something to get that out.
Afterwards the doctor said There's good news and there's bad news. The good news is, you're gonna see again. The bad news, you're gonna have to see about six other doctors first.
The next day Ted goes to the recommended specialist. The doctor tells him that the metal was rusted, and Ted has rust in his eye. To get it out the doctor used an eye-bore, which is like a mini-strimmer.
Then Ted had to wear an eye-patch,
which meant that he had no depth perception.
Before he left the stage, Ted photographed the audience.
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