ORBzine - 1999.05 Movie Reviews

ORBzine Movie Reviews May 1999

by Kim Le.

[Spoilers for The Mummy]

Ever since I read that The Matrix was going to be a feast of special effects, written and directed by the Wachowski brothers, and Keanu Reeves did not suck in it, I was just completely hyped to watch this movie. Having a decent plot was really quite secondary, I just wanted eye candy. Luckily, the plot mirrored the likes of Dark City and such TNG episodes as Frame of Mind so I got more than I expected. You could say I was well enough satiated that there was absolutely no reason for me to see another movie until May 19th. Actually, I wish someone *had* told me that.

First off, I had no fuzzy feeling about seeing The Mummy as I did The Matrix. I heard something about ILM doing the special effects for The Mummy , but I really don't need to see a test run of how ILM is doing before I see TPM. (Believe me, they had me at the fog shot.) I actually tried to see Pushing Tin 'cause that movie at least had John Cusack in it, but overruled I was.

I missed some of the trailers, so I certainly hope TPM wasn't one of them. But that's not because I would have missed seeing it, it's just the theater was so lackluster (read crappy) it would have been sacrilege to have the trailer grace its screen. (I'm told I need to get over the fact that Minnesota just does not have any theaters built within the last three years, all with stadium seat rising, THX sound, plush chairs that you could actually lay down on, and lobbies that show previews as you wait but, dammit, it's not too much to ask for quality, is it?) What I did see was the Wild, Wild West trailer. So I know that come July 2nd, I'll just have another weekend to watch TPM.

It's my theory it's never a good sign to go into a movie without seeing one good trailer.

The start of the movie is a bit of a prologue just so we can see a mummy, probably to justify calling this movie The Mummy, but I'll get back to that. The main thing you need to know is the bald guy looks like Billy Zane.

Right after the prologue is a reenactment of Lawrence of Arabia. Not much to tell here except the leader of the mysterious tribemen who guard the City of the Dead looks hot. (Not that I'm trying to give Ara an incentive to see this movie.)

The leading lady looks like Kate Winslet. Only she's an awful actress. But the guy who plays her brother has this I'm the human Jar Jar quality about him, so all's not terrible. (Well, not true, everything was terrible the moment I said that guy looks like Billy Zane...)

Brendan Fraser's character manages to get himself captured at some point. Lucky for him, he's the only person who's seen the City of the Dead and survived, so Kate and Jar Jar go to save him. Two simultaneous outbursts in the theater at this point: Hey, Encino Man! and George, George, George of the Jungle, strong as he can be!

There's a boat. And it sinks.

Not long ago, I went to a lecture where it was explained to me how camels pee on their feet to keep cool. Which was something to keep in mind throughout the movie. Some scenery shots, a stop at Obi-Wan's and Yogurt's, and they reach their intended destination.

Camels beat horses in racing, apparently.

Once everyone gets back to the City of the Dead, I've asked the question Where's the mummy? ten times. Not long after they reach the city and all hell breaks loose, I continuously ask Where's the mummy? And why does that guy look like the Terminator?

Incidentally, a few of the people I was supposed to meet at the theater didn't get there until about this point. They raved and raved. Of course, they hated The Matrix so I don't know what their problem is, but I assure you there's a problem. People shouldn't rave and rave about this movie even if they did miss the first 40 minutes.

The first thing the bald guy has to do is eat the flesh and organs of all the lucky folk who happened to be in the same room when the Book of the Not-So-Dead is opened. He starts with stealing the eyes of the fellow who lost his way because his *glasses* broke. So, no, I do not know how the bald guy could see so well after that.

Somehow they all leave the City of the Dead and are back...well, somewhere. Doesn't matter, at this point I notice one of the American tomb robbers looks like Bruce Campbell and the chanting zombies are going Evil Dead... Evil Dead... Evil Dead... That lasts for a bit until the bald guy takes Kate back to the City of the Dead to complete some ritual so he can be reunited with his true love. But that's okay 'cause the good guys know they can get the Book of the Dead to counteract the effects of the Book of the Not-So-Dead. No, Klaatu Baratu Niktu doesn't come into play here.

After the Tasmanian Devil makes a guest appearance, everyone's back at the City of the Dead. Fraser's character then becomes a Jedi and he's kicking ass against a whole bunch of ghoulish creatures that have bandages wrapped around their eyes so they sort of look like mummies. I was sort of pleased at this point, because I was getting worried that there were no mummies in this movie. Then Ash's hand makes a guest appearance.

Eventually the infamous horsewomen of the Apocalypse make an appearance, spiriting away the bald guy's, uh, spirit. I won't go spoiling the ending now, but least to say, there was no rolling ball.

[Kim Le takes a bow]

Kim Le
- Oh puh-lease... - Human Jar Jar

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