Dartagnan (Michael York - ), John Rhys Davies ( Lord of the Rings ) and Christopher Cazenove ( Knight's Tale ) are retired musketeers. Dartagnan's daughter ( Suzy Amis - she apparently starred in a popular glossy UK TV drama named Footballers' Wives) becomes a musketeer. She is totally wooden, not even that attractive, and no comparison with Sophie Marceau .
Her mission is to help the Spanish Infanta marry the French King. Cardinal Mazarin (Gerard Depardieu - Man in the Iron Mask ) and xNatassja Kinski conspire against them. The other villain has a goatee and wears lots of black leather.
This was produced by Robert Halmi jnr, and features lots of slavic actors (indicating it was made in Central Europe). Also, it is ironic that Depardieu, the only Frenchman in the cast, plays an Italian.
Our heroine is a pre-implants Brigitte Nielsen . Strangely, the eeevil Queen Gedren ( Sandahl Bergman ) is better looking, but a worse actress!
The Props are outlandish instead of medieval.
Comic relief is provided by a kiddie emperor (an oriental) and his servant, a fat Joxer. Somehow they can walk faster than Sonja's horse, even when she takes shortcuts!
This is lo-budget trash, courtesy of Dino de Laurentis .
This was made by Hallmark in 2002, so it has good SPFX and Henson animatronics. It consists of two episodes of 90 minutes, made for TV. This is the US version of the Hans Christian Anderson tale. But at least the main parts are female (Gerda, the Princess, the robber girl) as he intended.
The cast includes a veteran of Oz.
This was mostly shot on location at Chiselhurst Caves in England. One of the female astronauts is Stephanie Beecham , who went on to bigger and better things. She delivers the voice-over monologue at the start which povides the audience with necessary exposition. The astronauts are on an alien planet, replacing a previous expedition which mysteriously vanished. They have discovered a system of tunnels and caves, which they start to explore. All this takes the place of the entire first Act of the original movie, which provided world-building and characterisation by showing instead of telling.
The English cast - err, crew of a spaceship - are subject to a Rosemary's Baby situation. They include Judy Geeson, Jennifer Ashley, and Victoria Tennant .
Virginal Jesus-freak Erika Eleniak gets worried when her brother (Corey Feldman - Goonies ) does not return from the brothel. She hires Chris Sarandon ( Child's Play, Fright Night ) to find him.
Bill Sadler ( Roswell ) pops up in a supporting role.
Rollerball, the most popular sport, is a full-contact ball-game on roller skates. Houston are world champs, defending in a home games against Madrid. James Caan ( Misery ) is the most popular team's captain. He also has to balance his girlfriend ( Pamela Hensley ) and wife ( Maud Adams )!
Ralph Richardson is a tech running an AI supercomputer. Burt Kwouk ( Water Margin ) is a Japanese doctor. Other supporting players are Rick le Parmentier ( Star Wars IV: A New Hope ), Shane Rimmer ( Diamonds Are Forever ) and Moses Gunn.
Paul Newman is the company's evil chairman. Other familiar faces include Charles Durning ( ) and Roy Brocksmith ( Total Recall (1990) ).
This was produced and directed by the Coen brothers .
The gang help Laurel and Hardy vs Bigfoot!
The gang help The Harlem Globetrotters vs Redbeard's Ghost!
What's New, Scooby Doo is a weekly cartoon. The gang attend a ren-fair at Glasborough castle.
Guinevere is Ava Gardner , while Mordred is Stanley Baker ( Where's Jack? ).
It basically turns into a Die Hard scenario (rogue borg vs evil Corporation).
Marjean Holden is a merc leader, and Penny Johnson has a small role.
If Mary's side had won, democracy would not exist in the English-speaking world - if anywhere! Contraception and abortion are wrong. But do not worry - AIDS is Jevovah's punishment for unwanted pregnancy!
Daniella Nardini has a small role as Mary Gordon of Huntley.
Beryl Reid gets cursed, and she is the biker hero's mum.
Don Coscarelli actually produced Phantasm IV, though it has not got a release in the UK yet.
Katie Holmes is a local girl.
Stephen Macht ( Galaxina ) leads the resistance. Andrew Robinson ( Star Trek: DS9 ) leads a USMC Unit.
Props include a 2005 newspaper (there is no Internet - this was made in 1992). The plot relies on coincidence!
Shelley Stoker ( Linda Blair ) and her son watch a 1951 horror movie. The monsters become real, as does the sheriff (Adam Baldwin - Serenity ). George Kennedy has a cameo.
In a futuristic society, city folk (Peter Gallagher and wife) meet savages (who own old books) from the reservation.
Miguel Ferrer ( Robocop ) is the boss of mind control. Leonard Nimoy ( Star Trek ) is The Controller. And Daniel Dae Kim ( Voyager, Crusade, Angel, Lost ) is a Gofer.
In the future, having kids is illegal. Brainwashing takes place in a Clockwork Orange chair, and TV adverts (super-liminal!) are a satire on media feeding frenzy.
The hero is a journalist, and his wife is the Charmed ones' mother.
The story has bookends (in the year 2029 CE), but the main story is flashback to 1993.
Odysseus (Armand Assante - Judge Dredd ) wins the Trojan war (you know, as in Troy ). But his ship is blown off-course while returning home, so he sails around and fights monsters for seven years.
In Part 2, Odysseus must save his wife ( Greta Scacci ) from a horde of suitors led by Eric Roberts ( Strange Frequency ).
The hero cannot be bothered to hire Laurence Fishbourne ( Event Horizon ) as his sex negotiator, so he tries to retrieve his sexbot from the bandit-filled wilderness.
Melanie Griffiths is an unconvincing bounty hunter. She is just a Molly Ringwald wannabee, not pretty or tough.
There are some nice cinematography and stunts (especially the rocket duel). The cast includes Brion James ( Knight Rider 2010 ), Marshall Bell ( Total Recall ), Tim Thomerson ( Trancers ), Ben Johnson.
The hero's choice is to save the damsel or the liberated woman (who falls for him instantly).
Marian is now head nun at Kirklys Abbey. Robin and John join with Will Scarlett (Denholm Elliot - Raiders of the Lost Ark ) and Friar Tuck (Ronnie Barker) against Sheriff Robert Shaw ( Jaws ). This allows Shaw and Connery to duel for the first time since From Russia with Love .
The fact that the main characters are aging heroes is not very Hollywood. These veterans deliver expert performances. And the ending itself is not Hollywood-style at all.
The opening music and exposition and credits are disappointing. It is aimed at kids - not an action movie.
There is no fire dept, coastguard, etc - the ThunderBirds protect the entire world. The Cops only turn up after it is over.
The Evil Hood (Ben Kingsley - Gandhi Prince of Persia ) arranges to get Mr Tracey (Bill Paxton - Terminator, Aliens ), Brains (Anthony Edwards - Revenge of the Nerds, Top Gun) and the other grown-ups out of the way. The only thing that stands between Hood controlling the ThunderBirds is ... a trio of annoying children!
Parker is great, but Lady Penelope ( Sophia Myles ) is at least ten years too young. And since when did anyone on the show have psychic powers? Where did Brain's son come from? Or Hood's henchmen? What is the Bank of London (it must be tiny if there is only one branch)? And why mention Mrs Tracey? There is waaay too much backstory here.
Elisha Cuthbert time travels to 1881 - where the tale descends into teen melodrama.
Timothy Busfield (West Wing) has a supporting role.
Frankenstein (Sting - Dune ) builds a Bride ( Jennifer Beals ) for The Monster (Clancy Brown - Highlander ). She rejects The Monster, and the ensuing childish tantrum destroys the workshop. This is bad news for Frankenstein's assistants, familiar faces Quentin Crisp and Tim Spall ( Red Dwarf ).
Once the first act is out of the way, basically duplicating the events of Bride of Frankenstein , we follow the stories of the separated couple. Frankenstein names the Bride Eva (feminine for Eve?), and they have a Pygmalion relationship. However, he gets jealous when she catches the eye of Josef (Cary Elwes - Princess Bride ). Frankenstein apparently taught Eva to be independent-minded, like a woman of the 1980s, but never thought that this would be a bad thing for him. Meanwhile, Eva is keen to make selfish decisions - but acts shocked when anyone behaves selfishly towards her.
The monster teams up with Rinaldo (David Rappaport - Time Bandits ), who names him Viktor. Together this Master Blaster pair could be super-villains, like in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome . Instead they join the Budapest circus run by Ringmaster Alexi Sayle ( Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade ).
The two stories finally come together for a tacked-on conclusion in the Third Act.
Two reporters (Peter Fonda and Blythe Danner ) visit the resort. They uncover a Conspiracy that owes more to Stepford Wives than to the original movie.
This led to a TV show.
Kari Matchett wakes up in an all-white room with six doors. If all this is familiar, it should be - it is a sequel to the previous Cube film, with an all-new cast including Seymour from La Femme Nikita. They are trapped in time-dilating super-maze with fancy CGI traps.
Basically, a group of Canadian TV actors wander around a confined set and begin to turn against each other. For example, Geraint Wyn Davies ( Forever Knight ) is a suspicious type who somehow got a knife through security. He must have hidden it the one place they would never look ...
A Native American escapes from a Lord (Michael Gambon - Harry Potter ) and befriends a monk (Mandy Patinkin - Princess Bride ).
In 1183, Henri I (Patrick Stewart - Star trek: TNG ) and estranged wife Eleanor ( Glen Close ) fight over the succession.
This was based on a stage play. This explains the great dialogue and witty repartee, such as:
Henri - When pigs sprout wings
Eleanor - There'll be pork in the trees come morning!
Jonathan Rhys Myers ( Gormenghast ) is King Philip of France
Scientist Michael Caine ( Batman Begins ) and General Richard Widmark ( ) try to save the day.
They head an all-star cast (Richard Chamberlain, Ali McGraw , etc) - shocking how many famous faces are in this utter B-Movie!
Quartermain (Patrick Swayze - Donnie Darko ) is strangely naive. He is hired by Alison Doody to take her to her father, who has found the Mines.
Quartermain's party is being tracked by Russians, who want to seize the Mines for the Czar!
Sherilyn Fenn is the villain's GF (creating a love triangle), and goes topless. Randy Quaid ( Independance Day ) is the local Sheriff.
We get to see a Teri Hatcher lookalike topless.
In 1997 their son Brendan Fraser ( The Mummy ) explores the post-apocalyptic city. He falls for Eve ( Alicia Silverstone ), and falls foul of her ex-BF (Nathan Fillion - Dracula 2001, Serenity ).
This is basically a fish-out-of-water romcom, but nicely done.
Megan Ward (in her pre- Dark Skies days) provides the love interest.
Robert Vaughn ( Man From Uncle ) is a scary politician.
The protagonist discovers he has super-sperm ( Toyah Wilcox is the Doctor), so he inseminates women. This dubious Hero whores himself inside the Albert clock - Belfast irony, since it was once the place where female streetwalkers plied their trade.
This is the stereotypical Belfast, where every house has political flags and a photo of the Pope or the Queen. James Nesbitt ( The Hobbit ) is a Loyalist thug (for humorous effect).
Irish actresses Bronagh Gallagher ( Phantom Menace ) and Pauline McGlynne (Father Ted) also have supporting roles.
An English prince is a frog in NYC Central Park. Christina Applegate (who had a similar role in Just Visiting ) is a local resident.
Martin Short ( Merlin ) is a Magical helper, Billy Connolly ( Lemony Snickett ) is a theatre director.
The film is Shakespearian, let down by dodgy CGI.
The Crab makes her food taste magically good.
Even as rom-coms go, this is Ultra lightweight fluff!