La Femme Musketeer (2004)

This is based on the works of Alexandre Dumas and the French film Dartagnan's Daughter .

Dartagnan (Michael York - ), John Rhys Davies ( Lord of the Rings ) and Christopher Cazenove ( Knight's Tale ) are retired musketeers. Dartagnan's daughter ( Suzy Amis - she apparently starred in a popular glossy UK TV drama named Footballers' Wives) becomes a musketeer. She is totally wooden, not even that attractive, and no comparison with Sophie Marceau .

Her mission is to help the Spanish Infanta marry the French King. Cardinal Mazarin (Gerard Depardieu - Man in the Iron Mask ) and xNatassja Kinski conspire against them. The other villain has a goatee and wears lots of black leather.

This was produced by Robert Halmi jnr, and features lots of slavic actors (indicating it was made in Central Europe). Also, it is ironic that Depardieu, the only Frenchman in the cast, plays an Italian.

Red Sonja (1985)

This owes little to the Robert E Howard character, and nothing to his original story Shadow of the Vulture.

Our heroine is a pre-implants Brigitte Nielsen . Strangely, the eeevil Queen Gedren ( Sandahl Bergman ) is better looking, but a worse actress!

The Props are outlandish instead of medieval.

Comic relief is provided by a kiddie emperor (an oriental) and his servant, a fat Joxer. Somehow they can walk faster than Sonja's horse, even when she takes shortcuts!

This is lo-budget trash, courtesy of Dino de Laurentis .

Snow Queen (2002)

The Snow queen ( Brigid Fonda ) and her polar bear kidnap a teen boy (he looks at least twenty years old) from Canada circa 1900. His GF goes to rescue him, via China.

This was made by Hallmark in 2002, so it has good SPFX and Henson animatronics. It consists of two episodes of 90 minutes, made for TV. This is the US version of the Hans Christian Anderson tale. But at least the main parts are female (Gerda, the Princess, the robber girl) as he intended.

PI

This is a low-key thriller shot in b&w. A group of Hebrew mathematicians want to ascertain Pi to 216 digits.

The cast includes a veteran of Oz.

Inseminoid (1981)

While Ridley Scott created the masterful Alien (1979) , this is a pastiche by Sir Run Run Shaw. The original is about a male astronaut who is unwillingly impregnated by an alien, an impressive reversal of the usual Fem-Jep cliches, while this pastiche un-reverses it and uses the old cliches straight-up.

This was mostly shot on location at Chiselhurst Caves in England. One of the female astronauts is Stephanie Beecham , who went on to bigger and better things. She delivers the voice-over monologue at the start which povides the audience with necessary exposition. The astronauts are on an alien planet, replacing a previous expedition which mysteriously vanished. They have discovered a system of tunnels and caves, which they start to explore. All this takes the place of the entire first Act of the original movie, which provided world-building and characterisation by showing instead of telling.

The English cast - err, crew of a spaceship - are subject to a Rosemary's Baby situation. They include Judy Geeson, Jennifer Ashley, and Victoria Tennant .

Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood

Lilith, mother of all Vamps ( Angie Everhart ) rises from the grave and runs a high-class Bordello.

Virginal Jesus-freak Erika Eleniak gets worried when her brother (Corey Feldman - Goonies ) does not return from the brothel. She hires Chris Sarandon ( Child's Play, Fright Night ) to find him.

Bill Sadler ( Roswell ) pops up in a supporting role.

Rollerball (1970s)

This is a 1970s dystopia, where Corporations are so powerful that sports events involve singing a corporate anthem! They see it as a Utopian world (as the Prez explains) - managed by corporations.

Rollerball, the most popular sport, is a full-contact ball-game on roller skates. Houston are world champs, defending in a home games against Madrid. James Caan ( Misery ) is the most popular team's captain. He also has to balance his girlfriend ( Pamela Hensley ) and wife ( Maud Adams )!

Ralph Richardson is a tech running an AI supercomputer. Burt Kwouk ( Water Margin ) is a Japanese doctor. Other supporting players are Rick le Parmentier ( Star Wars IV: A New Hope ), Shane Rimmer ( Diamonds Are Forever ) and Moses Gunn.

Hudsucker Proxy (1994)

1958 NYC. Tim Robbins ( Shawshank Redemption ) is a naive genius who arrives in town and joins the Hudsucker Corporation. Jennifer Jason Leigh is his secretary. She is actually an undercover reporter, and Bruce Campbell ( Evil Dead ) is her sidekick reporter.

Paul Newman is the company's evil chairman. Other familiar faces include Charles Durning ( ) and Roy Brocksmith ( Total Recall (1990) ).

This was produced and directed by the Coen brothers .

New Scooby Doo movies

The gang investigate a disappearing House and an amusement park. They help Batman and Robin uncover some counterfeit money. The villains are the Penguin and Joker (who has a very gruff voice).

The gang help Laurel and Hardy vs Bigfoot!

The gang help The Harlem Globetrotters vs Redbeard's Ghost!

What's New, Scooby Doo is a weekly cartoon. The gang attend a ren-fair at Glasborough castle.

Scooby Doo movie

Knights of the Round Table (1953)

This is a 1953 technicolour swashbuckler.

Guinevere is Ava Gardner , while Mordred is Stanley Baker ( Where's Jack? ).

Automatic (1994)

This is a 1994 b-movie. Olivier Gruner ( Codename Eternity ) is a cyborg BG/butler, while John Glover ( Smallville ) is the Corporation CEO who owns him.

It basically turns into a Die Hard scenario (rogue borg vs evil Corporation).

Marjean Holden is a merc leader, and Penny Johnson has a small role.

Gunpowder, Treason and Plot

Though this was produced by the BBC, it is a bigoted work that rewrites history and undermines democracy. It portrays Elizabeth and Moray and Knox as villainous. Rizzio is shown as a wise advisor, while Bothwell (Kevin McKidd - Rome ) is an action hero. Talk about historical inaccuracies!!!

If Mary's side had won, democracy would not exist in the English-speaking world - if anywhere! Contraception and abortion are wrong. But do not worry - AIDS is Jevovah's punishment for unwanted pregnancy!

Daniella Nardini has a small role as Mary Gordon of Huntley.

Psychomania (1972)

1972, England. Some bikers get involved in black magic rituals at stone circle.

Beryl Reid gets cursed, and she is the biker hero's mum.

Phantasm 3: Lord of the Dead (1993)

This was made back in 1993. Our heroes are joined by a black babe, all on run from the Tall Man (Angus Scrimm - Alias ).

Don Coscarelli actually produced Phantasm IV, though it has not got a release in the UK yet.

Phantasm 2

Disturbing Behavior

James Marsden ( X-Men ) and Katharine Isabelle go to a small town. It is run by the sheriff (Steve Railsback - The Visitor ), the doctor (Bruce Greenwood - Sleepwalkers ) and the jock (Nick Stahl - Terminator 3, Sin City ).

Katie Holmes is a local girl.

Robocop

This was produced by Firestone and Haight, and filmed in Toronto (though it is set in Y2k Delta City, near Chicago).

Prime Directives

Robocop faces a serial killer vigilante. The episode also introduces Murph's son and ex-partner.

Meltdown

Robocop is on the run, with his ex-partner Robo-Cable after him. An Evil OCP exec is plotting.

Resurrection

Robocop faces special robohunters who do not have Armour-Piercing ammo! The new OCP policy is ploughshares into swords. Murph Jnr is sent after Robo. Robo II is enslaved by a psycho ex-OCP nerd. This leads up to an extended firefight (mediocre, NOT up to the standard of Hardboiled !)

Crash and Burn

A 90-minute battle inside OCP HQ ties up loose ends. The end has video clips during the final credits - the ending is far too happy! It is not the cynical look at the future that the original film showed.

Robocop

Robocop 2

Robocop 3

Robocop (TV show)

Trancers 3: Deth Lives (1992)

Deth (Tim Thomerson - ) is now a PI in LA (trapped from the year 2363). He is divorcing from Helen Hunt . Then a lizard man arrives from the future.

Stephen Macht ( Galaxina ) leads the resistance. Andrew Robinson ( Star Trek: DS9 ) leads a USMC Unit.

Props include a 2005 newspaper (there is no Internet - this was made in 1992). The plot relies on coincidence!

Trancers

Trancers 2

Monster Makers (2003)

This is a US TV movie from 2003. It is lo-budget, but Produced by Robert Halmi Jnr.

Shelley Stoker ( Linda Blair ) and her son watch a 1951 horror movie. The monsters become real, as does the sheriff (Adam Baldwin - Serenity ). George Kennedy has a cameo.

Brave New World (1998)

This is a 1998 adaption of the classic novel by Alduous Huxley .

In a futuristic society, city folk (Peter Gallagher and wife) meet savages (who own old books) from the reservation.

Miguel Ferrer ( Robocop ) is the boss of mind control. Leonard Nimoy ( Star Trek ) is The Controller. And Daniel Dae Kim ( Voyager, Crusade, Angel, Lost ) is a Gofer.

In the future, having kids is illegal. Brainwashing takes place in a Clockwork Orange chair, and TV adverts (super-liminal!) are a satire on media feeding frenzy.

Tycus (1998)

This is a 1998 film. It was produced by Andrew Stevens , so your expectations should be suitably low. Dennis Hopper ( Blue Velvet ) gets main billing, but is actually in a minor role as a scientist.

The hero is a journalist, and his wife is the Charmed ones' mother.

The story has bookends (in the year 2029 CE), but the main story is flashback to 1993.

Odyssey (1997)

This is a mini-series comprising of two segments of 90 minutes, made for American TV by producer Francis Ford Coppola .

Odysseus (Armand Assante - Judge Dredd ) wins the Trojan war (you know, as in Troy ). But his ship is blown off-course while returning home, so he sails around and fights monsters for seven years.

In Part 2, Odysseus must save his wife ( Greta Scacci ) from a horde of suitors led by Eric Roberts ( Strange Frequency ).

Jason and the Argonauts

Hercules

Cherry 2000

The future looks like a bad place. Unemployment is at 40%, recycling is the main industry. Health and safety issues are ignored, even though a sexbot shorts out (due to kitchen sink overflow!).

The hero cannot be bothered to hire Laurence Fishbourne ( Event Horizon ) as his sex negotiator, so he tries to retrieve his sexbot from the bandit-filled wilderness.

Melanie Griffiths is an unconvincing bounty hunter. She is just a Molly Ringwald wannabee, not pretty or tough.

There are some nice cinematography and stunts (especially the rocket duel). The cast includes Brion James ( Knight Rider 2010 ), Marshall Bell ( Total Recall ), Tim Thomerson ( Trancers ), Ben Johnson.

The hero's choice is to save the damsel or the liberated woman (who falls for him instantly).

Robin and Marian ()

Robin Hood (Sean Connery - Dr No, LXG ) and Little John (Nichol Williamson - Excalibur ) are jailed by Richard the Lionheart (Richard Harris - Mutiny on the Bounty ). They return from the Crusades for Marian ( Audrey Hepburn ).

Marian is now head nun at Kirklys Abbey. Robin and John join with Will Scarlett (Denholm Elliot - Raiders of the Lost Ark ) and Friar Tuck (Ronnie Barker) against Sheriff Robert Shaw ( Jaws ). This allows Shaw and Connery to duel for the first time since From Russia with Love .

The fact that the main characters are aging heroes is not very Hollywood. These veterans deliver expert performances. And the ending itself is not Hollywood-style at all.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Robin of Sherwood

New Adventures of Robin Hood

Thunderbirds (2004)

Directed by Jonathan Frakes , this owes more to his previous film Clockstoppers than it does to the original TV show! It is about how the teenagers save the day, and thus descends into cliches. There are a few stars, but most of the budget went on SPFX.

The opening music and exposition and credits are disappointing. It is aimed at kids - not an action movie.

There is no fire dept, coastguard, etc - the ThunderBirds protect the entire world. The Cops only turn up after it is over.

The Evil Hood (Ben Kingsley - Gandhi Prince of Persia ) arranges to get Mr Tracey (Bill Paxton - Terminator, Aliens ), Brains (Anthony Edwards - Revenge of the Nerds, Top Gun) and the other grown-ups out of the way. The only thing that stands between Hood controlling the ThunderBirds is ... a trio of annoying children!

Parker is great, but Lady Penelope ( Sophia Myles ) is at least ten years too young. And since when did anyone on the show have psychic powers? Where did Brain's son come from? Or Hood's henchmen? What is the Bank of London (it must be tiny if there is only one branch)? And why mention Mrs Tracey? There is waaay too much backstory here.

Time at the Top (1998)

This is a movie from 1998.

Elisha Cuthbert time travels to 1881 - where the tale descends into teen melodrama.

Timothy Busfield (West Wing) has a supporting role.

The Bride (1985)

Made in 1985, this big-budget effort killed everyone's career! It is melodramatic crap.

Frankenstein (Sting - Dune ) builds a Bride ( Jennifer Beals ) for The Monster (Clancy Brown - Highlander ). She rejects The Monster, and the ensuing childish tantrum destroys the workshop. This is bad news for Frankenstein's assistants, familiar faces Quentin Crisp and Tim Spall ( Red Dwarf ).

Once the first act is out of the way, basically duplicating the events of Bride of Frankenstein , we follow the stories of the separated couple. Frankenstein names the Bride Eva (feminine for Eve?), and they have a Pygmalion relationship. However, he gets jealous when she catches the eye of Josef (Cary Elwes - Princess Bride ). Frankenstein apparently taught Eva to be independent-minded, like a woman of the 1980s, but never thought that this would be a bad thing for him. Meanwhile, Eva is keen to make selfish decisions - but acts shocked when anyone behaves selfishly towards her.

The monster teams up with Rinaldo (David Rappaport - Time Bandits ), who names him Viktor. Together this Master Blaster pair could be super-villains, like in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome . Instead they join the Budapest circus run by Ringmaster Alexi Sayle ( Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade ).

The two stories finally come together for a tacked-on conclusion in the Third Act.

Futureworld

Eighteen months after the disaster in Westworld , the resort is reopened with two extra sections (including Futureworld - set on spaceship).

Two reporters (Peter Fonda and Blythe Danner ) visit the resort. They uncover a Conspiracy that owes more to Stepford Wives than to the original movie.

This led to a TV show.

Hypercube: Cube 2

This is a remake as much as a sequel to the original Cube . It has a Bigger budget (no stars, just SPFX).

Kari Matchett wakes up in an all-white room with six doors. If all this is familiar, it should be - it is a sequel to the previous Cube film, with an all-new cast including Seymour from La Femme Nikita. They are trapped in time-dilating super-maze with fancy CGI traps.

Basically, a group of Canadian TV actors wander around a confined set and begin to turn against each other. For example, Geraint Wyn Davies ( Forever Knight ) is a suspicious type who somehow got a knife through security. He must have hidden it the one place they would never look ...

The Last Great Warrior (1994) AKA Squanto: A Warrior's Tale

1600, England.

A Native American escapes from a Lord (Michael Gambon - Harry Potter ) and befriends a monk (Mandy Patinkin - Princess Bride ).

The Lion in Winter (2003)

This was made for TV in 2003, Produced by Robert Halmi Snr and Jnr.

In 1183, Henri I (Patrick Stewart - Star trek: TNG ) and estranged wife Eleanor ( Glen Close ) fight over the succession.

This was based on a stage play. This explains the great dialogue and witty repartee, such as:

Henri - When pigs sprout wings
Eleanor - There'll be pork in the trees come morning!

Jonathan Rhys Myers ( Gormenghast ) is King Philip of France

The Swarm (1978)

African killer bees invade Texas, courtesy of Irwin Allen .

Scientist Michael Caine ( Batman Begins ) and General Richard Widmark ( ) try to save the day.

They head an all-star cast (Richard Chamberlain, Ali McGraw , etc) - shocking how many famous faces are in this utter B-Movie!

King Solomon's Mines (2002)

This is a Hallmark TV Drama consisting of 2-hour eps.

Quartermain (Patrick Swayze - Donnie Darko ) is strangely naive. He is hired by Alison Doody to take her to her father, who has found the Mines.

Quartermain's party is being tracked by Russians, who want to seize the Mines for the Czar!

The Wraith (1985)

This is from 1985, before Charlie Sheen ( Hot Shots ) became famous. His character is murdered by hot-rodders, then returns as a ghost with superpowers (and a Franchi Spas pump-action shotgun with infinite ammo)!

Sherilyn Fenn is the villain's GF (creating a love triangle), and goes topless. Randy Quaid ( Independance Day ) is the local Sheriff.

The House That Dripped Blood (1971)

This is a Hammer-style anthology about four murders in one house. A detective features in the bookends scenes.

1. Method for Murder
   Denholm Elliot ( Robin and Marian, Indiana Jones ) is a novelist stalked by a murderous character.

2. Waxworks
   Peter Cushing ( Star Wars ), a retired stockbroker, goes to the local Museum of Horror. His best friend (Joss Ackland - Lethal Weapon 2) visits - at risk from eevil waxworks!

3. Sweets to the Sweet
   Christopher Lee ( Dracula, Star Wars, LOTR ) moves in, and brings his creepy 10 year-old daughter ...

4. The Cloak
   Ingrid Pitt and Jon Pertwee (Worzel Gummage / Doctor Who ) are horror film actors, but their vamp cloak is a haunted costume! Joanna Lumley makes a cameo appearance.

Strange Frequencies

This is an anthology of music-related scifi-horror-comedy. It consists of four short films.

1. Disco Inferno
   Metal-head Danny Masterson ( Face/Off ) discovers he is in Hell. But Brandy Ledford is there, so Hell ain't a bad place to be!

2. My Generation
   Eric Roberts ( Odyssey ) picks up a hitchhiker (Christopher Masterson - Scary Movie 2 ). There is a serial killer on the loose!

3. Room service
   This concerns a rock star and old lady maid.

4. More than a feeling
   Judd Nelson (Breakfast Club) is a talent scout. Marla Sokoloff is a singer.

Tales from the Crypt (1972)

Tourists get lost in the catacombs, where a creepy cryptkeeper tells their future.

1. And All Through The House
   Joan Collins murders her husband, then is menaced by evil Santa.

2. Reflections of Death
   An adulterer dreams of his death ...

3. Poetic Justice
   An evil young snob destroys the life of a harmless old man (Peter Cushing - Dracula ).

4. Wish you were here
   A Greedy businessman gets three wishes. Starring Roy Dotrice - Beauty and the Beast (1988) .

5. Blind Alleys
   A greedy major runs a home for Blind ex-soldiers. They take revenge on him.

Alien Love (1995) AKA Amanda and the Alien

An Alien monster eats and replaces humans. It has a Star Man relationship with Trekkie babe ( Nicole Eggert ), and is hunted by FBI men Michael Dorn ( Star trek: TNG ) and Stacey Keach.

We get to see a Teri Hatcher lookalike topless.

Blast from the Past (1997)

In 1963 Christopher Walken ( View To A Kill, Batman Returns ) and Sissy Spacek seal themselves into a nuclear bomb-proof bunker.

In 1997 their son Brendan Fraser ( The Mummy ) explores the post-apocalyptic city. He falls for Eve ( Alicia Silverstone ), and falls foul of her ex-BF (Nathan Fillion - Dracula 2001, Serenity ).

This is basically a fish-out-of-water romcom, but nicely done.

George Lucas in Love

This is a 10 minute short about George Lucas at film school in the 1960s. It is packed with hilarious references to Star Wars .

Joe's Apartment

Joe (Jerry O'Connell - Sliders ) is a slob who lives in East Village NYC. His apartment is infested with talking cockroaches - the best kind, I suppose. They even look pretty decent, considering they are CGI from 1996.

Megan Ward (in her pre- Dark Skies days) provides the love interest.

Robert Vaughn ( Man From Uncle ) is a scary politician.

Most Fertile Man in Ireland (1999)

Kris Marshall (Dr Zhivago) is an English Actor playing an Irish Catholic Virgin in Belfast, 1999 (it is set in the year 2000). His Mum is Olivia Nash, and the local bartender is Uncle Andy from Give My Head Peace.

The protagonist discovers he has super-sperm ( Toyah Wilcox is the Doctor), so he inseminates women. This dubious Hero whores himself inside the Albert clock - Belfast irony, since it was once the place where female streetwalkers plied their trade.

This is the stereotypical Belfast, where every house has political flags and a photo of the Pope or the Queen. James Nesbitt ( The Hobbit ) is a Loyalist thug (for humorous effect).

Irish actresses Bronagh Gallagher ( Phantom Menace ) and Pauline McGlynne (Father Ted) also have supporting roles.

Prince Charming (2000)

This was filmed in y2k, for the Hallmark channel.

An English prince is a frog in NYC Central Park. Christina Applegate (who had a similar role in Just Visiting ) is a local resident.

Martin Short ( Merlin ) is a Magical helper, Billy Connolly ( Lemony Snickett ) is a theatre director.

The film is Shakespearian, let down by dodgy CGI.

Simply Irresistable (1999)

Sarah Michelle Gellar is a chef with a magic crab! Sean Patrick Flannery ( Young Indy Chronicles ) is a yuppie restuaranteur.

The Crab makes her food taste magically good.

Even as rom-coms go, this is Ultra lightweight fluff!