ORBzine - Sharks - Movie Reviews

TITLE & REVIEW

2-Headed Shark Attack

2-Headed Shark Attack A ship full of college students gets into trouble. Unfortunately there is a two-headed man-eating shark in the water. Professor Charlie O'Connell ( Sliders ) takes the co-eds to a nearby desert island. Carmen Electra works on her suntan.

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    3-Headed Shark Attack

    3-Headed Shark Attack Some civilians visit a remote underwater research station, like in Deep Blue Sea . And as in that movie, the shark escapes and starts to eat everyone.

    Luckily, help is at hand in the shape of fisherman Danny Trejo armed with his trademark Machete .

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    47 Metres Down

    47 Metres Down A couple of twenty-something American girls ( Mandy Moore, Claire Holt ) are on holiday in Mexico. They get talked into taking a cruise on a rickety old boat owned by Captain Matthew Modine ( Jack And The Beanstalk ). The highlight of the tour is a cage-diving trip in shark-infested waters.

    Naturally, something goes badly wrong. The girls end up trapped at the bottom of the ocean, about a hundred and fifty feet under the surface. They have a limited air supply, and there are a couple of massive sharks circling the area.

    The resulting film is atmospheric and suspenseful, which it achieves on a limited budget. This was originally intended as a cheap straight-to-video effort. However, presumably due to the success of similar film The Shallows it was given a catchier title and a cinematic release.

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    Bait

    Bait This is a Jaws rip-off, best described as Deep Blue Sea in a shopping mall. It was produced by Russell Mulcahy , who had a promising future in the 1980s but has spent a long time working on US TV shows instead. However, it is probably his involvement that has gotten some more talent involved in the project as well.

    Despite being a low-key, straight-to-video looking made-in-Australia cheapie, there are a couple of cast members who may be familiar to International audiences from their appearances on US TV shows. Phoebe Tonkin is a shoplifter, while Julian McMahon ( Charmed ) is there too, forced by a thug into robbing the store managerís safe. Unfortunately, a tidal wave floods the shopping complex - and a handful of man-eating sharks are also swept in.

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    Blue Demon

    Blue Demon Lady scientist Deedee Pfeiffer and her soon-to-be ex-husband work for Military-Industrial Complex bureaucrat Danny Woodburn ( SU2 ). They are breeding a new, genetically engineered version of the Great White Shark. The new ones can live in either salt or fresh water, like a River Shark. And they have the speed of a Mako Shark, like in Deep Blue Sea .

    Admiral Remora (Jeff Fahy - Lost ), a tongue-in-cheek character, is in command of the mission to control the shark.

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    Dinoshark

    Dinoshark Eric Balfour ( TCM Remake ) has a boat in a tourist spot in Mexico. Unfortunately, a prehistoric shark comes along and starts to eat everyone.

    A bunch of babes are due to play a water-polo match. Will the shark arrive in time to disrupt the event and eat everyone?

    Watch out for the creepy old man - it is a cameo by Producer Roger Corman .

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    Jersey Shore Shark Attack

    Jersey Shore Shark Attack A small town in New Jersey is inhabited by fake-tanned twenty-somethings, as in the uninformative documentary series Jersey Shore. The main characters are called The Complication and Nooki.

    A property-developer wants to gentrify the area. Worse, a giant CGI shark with glowing red eyes starts eating anyone dumb enough to go boating.

    Predictably, what lets the film down is the low-budget CGI SPFX. However, it is saved to a certain extent by the fact it is a deliberate self-parody.

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    Malibu Shark Attack

    Malibu Shark Attack Malibu beach is hit by a tidal wave. A group of goblin sharks are swept along with the water. The beach attendant (Warren Christie - Alphas ) tries to save everyone.

    The cast includes Peta Wilson as the bitchy boss-lady.

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    Megalodon AKA Shark-Zilla

    Megalodon AKA Shark-Zilla A female TV reporter is invited to tour the newest, biggest oil rig in the world. It is run by a pair of rent-a-villains - Billionaire Robin Sachs ( Buffy ) and safety officer Mark A. Sheppard ( Supernatural ). Strangely, they actually play sympathetic characters for a change.

    The Megalodon itself does not appear until half-way through the film. However, this works in the film's favour. Rather than rely on a dodgy FX monster, the film delivers characters and a storyline.

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    Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus

    Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus This is infamous as one of The Asylumís first movies, and one of the worst ever made. In truth, it is better (well, less awful) than most films made by The Asylum. Yes, this is one of the good ones!

    Environmental scientist (and 1980s teenage pop star) Debbie Gibson discovers that global warming is causing the polar ice cap to melt. Unfortunately an enormous megalodon shark and an equally enormous octopus get defrosted and decide to wreak havoc on every ship on the Earthís oceans.

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    Mega-shark vs Crocosaurus

    Mega-shark vs Crocosaurus The Megalodon is on the rampage, attacking a US battleship by jumping over it repeatedly. Then it tries to eat the tasty, enormous eggs of Crocosaurus! This pair of enormous dodgy CGI monsters also eat any people they meet.

    US Navy Admiral Robert Picardo ( Star Trek: Voyager ) is out for revenge, so he gets put in charge of the hunt. His expert shark-hunter (a character inspired by Denzel Washington in Hunt for Red October) is joined by his rival, an Australian who hunts crocs for a living.

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    Mega-Shark vs Kolossus

    Mega-Shark vs Kolossus The world economy is in ruins because the Megalodons have prevented commerce taking place by sea. The damn things are so strong they can nose-flip a warship the way a dolphin nose-flips a beachball! The US Navy has developed well-armed mini-subs crewed by beautiful women, but this has limited success.

    The Russians are trying to recover by converting their power plants to run on red mercury. A salvage team try to retrieve some from Chernobyl, and accidentally reactivate a nuclear-powered giant robot named Kolossus. It was a last-ditch Cold War weapon, programmed to walk around the main cities of Europe and drop nuclear bomblets.

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    Mega-Shark vs Mecha-Shark

    Mega-Shark vs Mecha-Shark The action starts with a tug-boat that is towing an iceberg to Alexandria in Egypt. Over in Hawaii, a scientist (Christopher Judge - Stargate SG-1 ) has built a killer submarine piloted by his wife ( Elizabeth Rohm ). Rather than have an original design, the sub is a giant robotic shark. There is a vast amount of wasted space inside the sub, and the pilot's chair is not ergonomic or body-supporting. However, there is a logical reason for the strange design of the sub - regular technology seems useless against the shark. It can flip away torpedoes with its tail every time, and does so with such accuracy it takes out the nearest US Navy warship!

    The shark attacks a hospital ship in the Atlantic, then migrates to Sydney harbour in Australia. En route it attacks an oil-rig, and manages to menace a jetliner (at an altitude of several miles). Luckily, scientist Debbie Gibson phones the Admiral to offer an explanation for the shark's aggressive behaviour. She was hanging around in her laboratory, wearing jewelry and evening-wear instead of a lab coat, when she realised that the shark was sexually frustrated and eager to mate. It seems there is no Giant Octopus around to make another Sharktopus , but at least Ms Rohm still has a giant metal shark ...

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    Open Water 2: Adrift

    Open Water 2: Adrift Half a dozen tweenagers go to an isolated location. This time it is a yacht, in the middle of the ocean. The opening scene is reminiscent of Triangle , since the main female character has traumatic memories and has brought her child with her. However, there is no supernatural element to the storyline. This is a drama about real people with real problems, so to speak.

    The characters all go for a swim, out of sight of land. Unfortunately nobody bothered to let the ladder down. The men compete to climb back aboard, but since they have greater body mass than the women their attempts fail. And while the men try to fix the problem, the women prefer to fix the blame. Gradually things get more and more desperate.

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    The Reef

    The Reef Five fun-seekers head off to an isolated location. They end up getting stalked and picked off, one at a time. The twist is that, like in the film Open Water , the victims are swimming off the Great Barrier Reef and instead of being bumped off by a serial killer they are targeted by a great white shark.

    This is a great example of a suspenseful drama. The threat of the sharks is ever-present, but rarely seen.

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    Sharktopus

    Sharktopus The two title monsters in MegaShark vs Giant Octopus were not FIGHTING ... They were f*cking! And this is the result.

    Down on the beaches of beautiful Mexico, hot bikini-babes indulge in seaside pursuits like metal-detecting and bungee-jumping. Roger Corman is a lecherous old man who drools over them. Unfortunately there is a CGI monster, half shark and half octopus, that can get into the shallowest waters ...

    Eric Roberts ( Expendables ) is the mad scientist who genetically engineered Sharktopus. He hires a tweenage cabin-boy in a motor-cruiser to hunt and capture the monster. Apparently the kid is an ex-SEAL who served in Iraq or something. He barely looks old enough to shave!

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    Swamp Shark

    Swamp Shark Kirsty Swanson claims that a giant CGI shark is swimming around the Louisiana Bayou, eating people. Sheriff Robert Davi ( Licence to Kill ) claims it is only a man-eating alligator. Of course, he is corrupt and the monster is (predictably) his fault.

    Luckily Kirsty meets DB Sweeney ( Strange Luck, The Event ), who helps her hunt the monster down.

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    Sand Sharks

    Sand Sharks This is predictable low-budget crap, filled with bikini babes and low-grade CGI monsters. The plot is not dissimilar to that of Jaws .

    The sheriff calls in a shark expert - but this one does not look like Richard Dreyfus ( Close Encounters of the Third Kind ). No, she is a buxom blonde who dresses like Lara Croft .

    The beach gets closed. But sleazy-yet-likeable Corin Nemec ( Stargate SG-1 ) wants to host a beach party, so he does everything he can to keep the beach open. Eventually (predictably) the party happens - with literally dozens (well, two dozen perhaps) of college spring breakers turning up to get eaten alive.

    The CGI SPFX are terrible. But the one-liners are okay, and the characters are quite compelling.

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    The Shallows

    The Shallows This movie got bad word-of-mouth because people went to see The Reef and end up watching a Sharknado rip-off.

    In all fairness, The Shallows starts out pretty well. It is decently shot and paced, with a lot of suspense. The protagonist ( Blake Lively ) goes surfing in a remote bay in Mexico. Unfortunately she ends up getting stalked by a great white shark.

    The problem is that suspension of disbelief is stretched beyond credulity. A real taster bite would have taken a massive chunk of muscle tissue out. She might have had the limb actually severed. Apparently Benchley had the right idea when he wrote the first attack scene in Jaws from the victim's POV. She feels something tug at her leg, and then discovers the limb missing. The prosthetic leg idea might have gone some way to making the film seem a bit less unrealistic.

    Worse, the Third Act makes Sharknado look like Jaws ! The same is true of this film. The quality may be umpteen generations of computer technology better, but it was completely overused. The trick Spielberg learned from Jaws was don't show too much of the shark. This director seems to have ignored that.

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    Sharknado

    Sharknado A shoal of twenty THOUSAND sharks are swimming up the Mexican coast towards California. In the worst timing ever their arrival gets combined with a hurricane that leaves Los Angeles knee-deep in water ... and lifts the sharks into the middle of town!

    Middle-aged surf bums Ian Ziering (90210) and Jaason Simmons (Baywatch) team up with a Barfly (John Heard - Cat People )and a sexy shotgun-toting waitress. Ziering decides to save his ex-wife ( Tara Reid ) and teenage daughter. Naturally they end up taking on the sharks - using a chainsaw!

    Despite its ridiculous premise, this is an entertaining film. It never promises more than it delivers.

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    Sharknado 2: The Second One

    Sharknado 2: The Second One Ian Ziering and Tara Reid have written a book about their experiences in the first film, and are on an route to NYC as part of their book tour. Ziering has a Twilight zone moment as he looks out the window and sees something on the wing! The plane flies straight into yet another shark ado, which is bad news for air hostess Kelly Osborne . Luckily the laws of science do not apply, allowing Reid to hang out the door one-handed taking potshots at the sharks with an air marshal's pistol while Ziering lands a 747 in a tornado while not having any flight training.

    Once on the ground, things do not get any better. Rather than use guns, the New Yorkers are encouraged to take on the sharks with gardening implements. While this is foolhardy when the fish are airborne, it makes sense once they get stranded on dry land. Of course, the fish would suffocate without water, so a quicker cleanup would involve a bulldozer to scoop them all up before they start to rot. Sharks are an endangered group of species, BTW, so slaughtering them by the hundred would be highly illegal.

    The best sequence has got to be the one from the trailer, where Ziering chainsaws a Great White as it flies past him, almost completely avoiding splattering himself with blood.

    However, despite its lack of logic this is quite an enjoyable effort. Kari Wuhrer makes a return to genre material as ziering's sister, trekking across NYC to safety in a typically contrived plot. The CGI is passable, and the dialogue is not all atrocious. In fact, one might surmise that this had a higher budget that the original, although the extra money never gets spent on the script.

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    Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

    Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! For saving both Los Angeles and New York City from shark-filled tornados, Ian Ziering gets presented with a medal by the US President. It must be a Republican administration, because the Prez is white and the Veep is Ann Landers . Even the infamous Michele Bachmann gets to show her face. There are some Liberal cameos too - Social Justice Warrior George RR Martin faces off against a flying shark.

    Ziering teams up with Nova Clarke ( Cassie Scerbo ) and Lucas Stevens (Frankie Muniz - Malcolm in the Middle). They must get from Washington DC to Florida, where Ziering's wife ( Tara Reid ) is hanging out with her mother ( Bo Derek ). There are lots more cameos, usually involving familiar faces getting eaten by flying sharks.

    To stop the sharknados, the heroes must reactivate the Space Shuttle and fly into space. Luckily, Ziering's father (David Hasslehoff - Piranha 3-DD ) is a retired NASA astronaut!

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    Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens

    Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens It has been a year since the last sharknado. A sharknado-themed hotel in Las Vegas has been built.

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    Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

    Sharknado 5: Global Swarming Ian Ziering and Tara Reid take their son to London. They are the official US delegates at a NATO conference. Before it starts, Ziering is called off to help Nova Clarke ( Cassie Scerbo ) explore caves under Stonehenge. She has discovered cave paintings, like those in Prometheus , which tell of sharknados in ancient times. As they explore the caves, they encounter a Raiders Of The Lost Ark scenario. They even find a skeleton with a bullwhip and fedora!

    Reid and her son visit the MI6 HQ, where they meet the lo-budget version of Q. He has invented a few things that will probably be important to the plot later on.

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    Super Shark

    Super Shark Oil Company CEO John Schneider ( Smallville ) orders drilling in deep waters. The result is that a massive shark is driven to the surface, and starts to cause a nuisance. It can breath air somehow, so it can launch itself onto the beach and flop around long enough to do serious damage to any bikini-clad hotties who are bouncing around within camera-shot.

    The US Military send in an experimental new tank. It was apparently built for mountainous regions of Afghanistan, so it can walk across the desert like an armour-plated camel. Now, a normal tank can cross the desert without problems, so something with legs has no real advantage. Worse, this particular prototype turns out to have an issue with overheating. Not something you look for in a vehicle designed to operate in combat in hot environments.

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    Zombie Shark

    Zombie Shark A zombie shark starts to eat people. Luckily, Jason London ( Mallrats ) is a mercenary who does security work for the local secret lab.

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    Soon

    Soon

  • 2000
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