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Stan was sheriff of a small town. His wife has died, so he retires. The new sheriff is a thirty-something blonde.
There is something that Stan neglected to tell his replacement. The town was the site of a massacre of innocent witches during the Puritan era. He only survived the magical vengeance of the witches because his wife was a white witch who protected him. Now that she is dead, the undead spirits will wreak havoc on the town. Luckily they only seem to attack one at a time, in half-hour episodes on a weekly basis.
September 1954. A straw-chewing yokel, presumably the sheriff off-duty, falls foul of a demonic goat.
In the modern day, a massive goat-demon is on the loose.
The show's regular characters go to a speed-dating event. Of course, a demon happens to turn up too.
Stan discovers that his dead wife donated his favourite hockey stick to the Roman Catholic Church. He goes to the priest and insists on getting the stick back, but the new sheriff gets called in to interfere.
We learn a couple of things about the demons. Firstly, they can walk on holy ground, and withstand catholic instruments like crucifixes and holy water. Secondly, their master has fused them with the souls of the dead witches.
Sheriff Evie Barret ( Janet Varney ) stops Stanley Miller (John C. McGinley - The Rock ) for a driving offence. This is policing-for-profit at its best, a stealth tax inflicted on the citizens. She tickets him with an automatic fine of sixty-five dollars. He pays it ... in pennies!
Stan's daughter Denise Miller ( Deborah Baker Jr. ) meets some goth kids. They realise she is obviously a virgin, and invite her to attend a seance ritual. Unfortunately they raise an actual demonic entity.
It turns out that there is more to the show's basic premise. We have always known that the women burned as witches were in fact innocent. It turns out that the only real witch there was the Constable himself!
An enormous spider-demon is on the loose. It wants to lure Stan and the new Sheriff into the hell-dimension, so it can take over from the original Sheriff.
The title is taken from the Twin Peaks TV show prequel movie, Fire Walk With Me . The Spider-walk is a reference to a cut scene from The Exorcist . However, nothing in the storyline actually refers to either
Sheriff Evie Barret ( Janet Varney ) and Stanley Miller (John C. McGinley - The Rock ) are in a car crash. The main storyline takes place in a flashback. This turns out to be a time loop, like in Groundhog Day .
Stan may be the title character, but this week he is just comic relief. His daughter, a completely blatant comedy character, starts up her own teeth-cleaning business. She wants to call it White Power.
The story starts eleven days after the end of the previous Season. Stan (John C. McGinley - The Rock ) has dreams about what happened to Evie the lady sheriff. Unfortunately, neither he nor anyone else remembers who she was.
Stan discovers that there is a local coven of witches who call themselves the Black Hat Society. They may have the ability to help him save Evie.
Stan (John C. McGinley - The Rock ) goes back in time to rescue Evie.
Unfortunately, it turns out that Evie and the Constable's daughter cannot both exist in the same time zone for any length of time. The longer the witch girl stays, the more Evie starts to fade out of reality.
Evie is lacking a love interest. Then she meets Simon from The Walking Dead . Unfortunately he is secretly a were-pony.
1816, and a carnie (Jeffrey Combs - Star Trek: DS9 ) runs a shell game on the constable - with lethal effect.
Two hundred years later, Stan (John C. McGinley - The Rock ) is chased out of his house so the women can have a Girls' Night watching a dating game-show. He goes to the pub, where he meets the Carnie.
Back at the house, Evie becomes possessed and tries to kill Denise. How strange that Stan is immune to the carnie's powers, yet Evie is super-vulnerable to them.
1850, and the Constable gets his throat cut. And then thrown off a rooftop, which seems overkill. The killer is wearing widow's garb.
In the modern day, Evie is unhappy about having lots of potential lovers. Men attempt to seduce her at the rate of almost one a week. She assumed that the uniform would put them off, but it actually makes her MORE attractive. This is probably a form of Cheerleader Effect.
Evie takes Stan's advice, and wears a fake wedding ring to put men off. Unfortunately she starts having visions from the perspective of a murderer - like in The Eyes of Laura Mars .
Stan's daughter, a completely blatant comedy character, is obsessed with a pair of mating crows that have nested in Stan's car.
Deputy Leon, the other completely blatant comedy character, actually manages to get himself a girlfriend this week. Will it all end in tears?
Willard's Mill, 1986. A single mother's dating life is made more difficult by her demanding baby.
Twenty years later, the lady sheriff corners Stan's daughter Denise in a Bechdel conversation and talks her into a babysitting job. The baby she sits for is the same demonic entity.
The baby takes a dislike to Denise's BF, Kevin the gravedigger. Despite living in a demon-infested town, Stan and the Sheriff just think that Kevin is jealous for Denise's affections. Can they save him in time?
Willard's Mill, 1907. A single dairy cow could produce enough milk to keep the farmer happy. Unfortunately his wife was replaced by an evil mirror image version of herself.
In the present day, Stan teams up with the surviving witch from the Black Hat Society. He wants her to summon Gerard Duquette, the guy who dresses like Baron Samedi. Duquette will know how Stan can go back in time.
Next morning, an evil mirror image of Stan goes on a crime spree. Unfortunately Stan himself is indirectly incapacitated. Can Evie sort this out? After all, it is her day off.
Stan goes back in time to save his wife, Claire.
Next morning, Evie discovers what happened. Claire is now alive again, but it cost Stan his life. Evie goes back to save Stan.
The ending is a cliff-hanger.
Stan and Evie return to their own time. But it seems to be a different time-line, because Evie gets attacked by a zombie.
The Voodoo priest tells Stan that there is a way to free all the souls the witch-hunter burned. However, he does not bother to tell him how to do it. Instead he sets him loose, but glamoured with an illusion so that nobody can recognise him.
A Witch does not believe in Daylight Savings Time, so she is late for the meeting of the Black Hat Society. Unfortunately someone else got there first, and incinerated the other three witches. Yes, there are FOUR witches in the coven for some reason. Most covens consist of a number divisible by three.
The Sheriff has help with the investigation. A couple of special investigators from the Bureau turn up. Not the FBI, but the New Hampshire State Board of Paranormal Phenomena. The woman is a skeptical redhead who believes there is a logical and scientific explanation for everything, even when she was personally attacked by a demonic entity on a previous case. The man is tall, open to supernatural explanations, and uses the catch-phrase Trust no-one. Yes, this is a reference to the 1990s show The X-Files , which made a comeback a year ago and is now in vogue again. One of the agents uses a 1990s flip-phone.
The end credits have a homage to the show that inspired the X-Files – the 1970s series Night Stalker .
The lady Sheriff has a King Kong situation to deal with. Luckily it is just a man in a suit. His name is Leonard, and he used to play a gorilla at childrens' birthday parties.
The Sheriff's ex-husband, Ken, is in town. He decides to crash at Stan's house. Luckily he falls victim to a curse that was targeted at Stan, and finds himself turned into a giant moth. He even gets a pair of identical twins as heralds, like in Godzilla versus Mothra .
Stan's daughter helps build a miniature version of the town. Then she performs a solo musical act, like in an episode from the 1980s when shows got bigger budgets as light entertainment than as straight-forward drama or comedy genre.
Finally we get Mothra versus King Kong. Well, a couple of men in costumes fighting in a cardboard miniature town.
A strange hitch-hiker comes to town. Well, strangeness is relative in Willard's Mill. Stan's daughter Denise has been flushing stale bread down the toilet in order to feed the sewer pigeons.
Stan gets targeted by another demonic assassin. Fortunately this one sucks at his job. The demon befriends Stan, and tells him a way they can free the souls that Constable Echolls enslaved. Evie thinks it is too good to be true.
A shopkeeper is murdered by some demonic glove-puppets. They are the Nubbins, the in-universe version of The Muppets .
Stan is busy brewing his own beer. Since his surname is Miller, the name of his brand is obvious. He lets the new Sheriff deal with the monsters. Unfortunately, he is their target. The bad news is that his beer renders him blind. The good news is that it supernaturally heightens his other senses.
Denise and Evie are obsessed with a TV show that is a cross between Vampire Diaries and Dawson's Creek. The star (Christopher Mintz-Plasse - Kick Ass ) lures the ladies into the show, by way of a magical mirror. He does not have anything to do with Constable Echolls, he is just some random supernatural entity passing through town.
Stan and Kevin, Denise's boyfriend, try to stage a rescue. Leon the Deputy does not contribute much, but seems to have the right idea. And as divorced middle-aged women go, Evie makes an amazing vampiress.