TITLE & REVIEW
This is one of the greatest historical epics of all time,
shot in Spain with Italian money and a Hollywood star.
The budget is reflected in the spectacular cinematography and incredible locations used.
Charlton Heston ( Ben Hur ) is the title character, the greatest knight in all of Spain. We follow his life through his dramatic courtship of Sophia Loren , and his noble efforts to avoid the intrigues of the Spanish court. If anything his lack of guile and subtlety makes him a bit annoying. He is portrayed as always doing the right thing, which does not actually make any sense. When the country is split by civil war he turns from one side to another repeatedly, always undermining his friends. But finally, he tries to unite them against the invading Moors …
Despite white-washing El Cid's deeds, this is not a straightforward propaganda piece. There is a group of token good Moors, who are almost as noble as Ed Cid himself. The villain is the Moroccan Emir Herbert Lom.
Henry II (Peter O'Toole -
) holds a winter court, to determine who his successor will be.
Henry's estranged wife Eleanor of Acquitaine (
Katherine Hepburn
) is summoned, as are their sons Richard the Lionheart (Anthony Hopkins -
Silence of the Lambs
) and Prince John (Nigel Terry -
Excalibur
). The young King of France (Timothy Dalton -
Flash Gordon
) is also in attendance, so Henry can force him into a treaty.
This is a stage-play brought to life with an all-star cast.
This is the life-story of a fictional serial-killer,
Grenuille, who has a superhuman sense of smell.
He roams 18th Century France, murdering young women so he can preserve their scent.
This is adapted from a novel written by a German. It was filmed in Spain with a British cast, speaking English to make it acceptable to the International (i.e. American) audience. Unfortunately it was regarded as unmarketable to the Americans.
This is an ugly tale, beautifully told. It is basically a slasher film, told from the killer's perspective. It is not about heroism or redemption.
Catherine Hardwicke
, most famous for directing the first film in the
Twilight
series, delivers another supernatural love story
- albeit with an entertaining whodunnit strand.
Amanda Seyfried lives in a medieval European village filled with Canadian actors, including Michael Shanks from Stargate SG-1 and Colonel Tigh from BSG 2003 . But the village is plagued by the plot from The Wolfman .
Inquisitor Gary Oldman ( Lost In Space ) and his heresy-fighting entourage appear, as if they wandered in from Season Of The Witch .
This is a Technicolor medieval effort from the 1960s.
A Norman knight (Charlton Heston -
Omega Man
) is sent to govern an early Medieval pagan village besieged by Frisian raiders.
This is a version of Herman Melville's classic novel
Moby Dick
, adapted to a Fantasy setting with Dragons instead of whales.
Ishmael, the protagonist, joins the crew of Ahab (Danny Glover -
) - a man obsessed with killing the beast that maimed him, the Great White Whale ... err, Dragon.
The changes are mostly for the worse, making the story fit the cliches of the modern American movie. Ishmael is now the harpoonist, and Quequeg is merely a token ethnic sidekick. The only big star among Ahab's lower ranks is Vinnie Jones ( Swordfish ). Ahab also has an adopted daughter, a supermodel-type beauty named Rachel ( Sofia Pernas ).
The script is a poor shadow of the original story. However, the visuals are occasionally quite impressive. It makes you wonder how good this might really have been if it had been made by a big Hollywood studio.
George (
Solomon Kane
) is a crusader knight whose best friend is a saracen (Michael Duncan Clarke -
The Green Mile
). They split up so the saracen can join a robber band led by Vla Kilmer (
Willow
). The crusader goes to the King (
), and asks for an acre of land and a
Princess Luna ( Piper Perabo ) ran away from her arranged marriage to Patrick Swayze ( Red Dawn ) because she wanted to be a modern 21st-Century girl and marry for love instead of duty.
The dragon of the title does not make an appearance until the final climactic battle. This allows the film to concentrate on the characters, rather than just make this action-adventure and spectacle. However, it is still a pretty lightweight affair.
This would have been a lot more successful if it had been re-titled and released as part of the Dragonheart series. After all, they are not a coherent franchise but just a series of remakes and reimaginings linked only by the fact they have dragons in them. Instead, it is just a long-forgotten oddity that comes from the era when Perabo's career had just peaked while Purefoy was about to be the next big thing.
This is based on the poem by Lewis Carroll, which was already subject of a Monty Python film in the 1970s.
The Jabberwock is a monster that prowls the wilderness and eats people. Our hero is Village blacksmith Helo ( BSG 2003, Dollhouse ).
This is a typical Asylum project, with only half a dozen speaking parts and only one recognisable face. But the script is okay, and some of the dialogue actually works!
Spaceman Jim Caviezel (
Passion of the Christ
) arrives among the Vikings, hunting a monster that escaped from his spaceship.
Sort of like the story of
Critters
. Naturally, nobody believes him.
Everyone blames the neighbouring warlord (Ron Perlman -
Hellboy
). His only ally is tomboy Princess
Sophia Myles
, all empowered and girl-power for a 21st Century audience.
This effort's portrayal of Vikings has about as much realism as in Pathfinder . But it is not meant to be a documentary, it is an entertaining enough piece of work.
This is a classic b&w 1950s film by
Ingmar Bergman
, in Swedish with English subtitles.
Max Von Sydow (
Solomon kane
) and his sidekick are a couple of knights returning from the Crusades.
The land is sick with plague, and a girl is blamed for witchcraft.
Yes, we've found the main inspiration for the recent
Season of the Witch
.
The hero does not fight Death, he plays chess with the spectre! Hence the homage in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey .
This botched swords-and-sorcery effort is shoved uncomfortably into an actual historical period.
Crusader Nicholas Cage (
Face/Off
) and sidekick Ron Perlman (
Hellboy
) are in 1340s (!) Transylvania or wherever, and get pressganged by Archbishop Christopher Lee (
Lord of the Rings
). They must lead a motley crew (including Robert Sheehan -
Misfits
) transporting a witch to the Spanish Inquisition to cure the Black Death.
Yes, the plot is a pastiche of
The 7th Seal
. But will Perlman last longer than he did in Enemy at the Gate?
This is very contrived, but could have worked if done as a Hammer Horror effort - like Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter - or a straight-forward fantasty effort ( Krull, Hawk the Slayer ).
This is a low-budget version of
Season of the Witch
. Rent-a-villain James Frain (
The Cape
) is a Crusader, escorting a satanic relic to a monastery.
His companions include a priest (Samuel West -
Sword of Xanten
) and a peasant girl who is also an atheist.
A Saracen warrior and his Action Babe wife are along for the trip too.
The travellers are beset by a Balrog, some CGI wolves and other assorted contrivances from other films.
England, in the year 1348.
A terrible plague called the Black Death is wiping out the population.
Osmond the Monk (Eddie Redmayne -
Jupiter Jones
) has a terrible dilemma.
He can stay safe in the monastery,
and study under the Abbot (David Warner -
Time After Time
) ... Or he can elope with the beautiful Averill (
Kimberly Nixon
).
A knight (Sean Bean - Game Of Thrones ) visits, requesting a guide to a nearby village where the plague has not yet struck. Osmond volunteers, because he knows the knight's route will take him near to where Averill is waiting for him. However, he has gotten out of his depth.
The knight is an Inquisitor. He and his companions, including John Lynch ( ), are going to the village in order to kill the Necromancer who rules it. Yes, much like the test for witchcraft - if you do not drown then you are guilty - they assume that only satan-worshippers will be immune to the plague.
The village is run by Hob (Tim McInnerny - ). A mysterious wise woman ( Carice Van Houten ) lurks in the background, offering assistance. But who is to be trusted?
The movie has an amazing cast, for what it is. Unfortunately it is let down by the poor cinematography. Everything seems to be shot in medium frame, which means we get to see very little of the wild landscape or the impressive medieval village set. A better director could have provided much more impressive visuals, and the complete lack of on-screen spectacle means this disappointing effort is a wasted opportunity.
This was directed by
Uwe Boll
, infamous for making crappy B-movies based on video games.
This film was the first time he got a Hollywood budget,
and it is certainly evident on-screen.
There are lots of recognisable stars, and some pretty decent CGI SPFX as well.
A medieval fantasy kingdom is peacefully ruled by King (Burt Reynolds -
Universal Soldier 2
) and his Magus (John Rhys Davies -
The Medallion
). But Evil wizard Ray Liotta (
No Escape
) has plans.
He has fooled their heirs - the Magus' daughter (
Leelee Sobieski
) and the King's nephew (Matthew Lillard -
Wing Commander, Scooby Doo
).
He has also raised an army of Krugs, which are basically Orcs in all but name.
The Orcs go on the offensive, burning villages and enslaving peasants - like in the out-takes of
Lord Of The Rings
. This film certainly owes something visually to the
Peter Jackson
oscar-winning masterpiece.
Farmer (Jason Statham - Ghosts of Mars ) is a turnip-loving ... farmer. He is somehow also an expert warrior, with a boomerang and Chinese kung-fu swords (and skills to match). Farmer and his friend Ron Perlman ( Season Of the Witch ) defeat a gang of Orcs who had wiped out the proper army's best men.
Farmer's wife ( Claire Forlani ) and son take the harvest wagon to the town of Stonebridge. Strangely, it has no bridge of any kind. But strange names are the least of this film's problems. Farmer and Perlman go to rescue the damsel, en route encountering Acrobatic tree-nymph Kristanna Lokken .
King Burt and his African-American General lead their army to face the Orcs. The pitched battle takes place in a forest, where cavalry cannot charge and there is too much cover for archers to be effective. Luckily the Orcs are too stupid to hide behind the trees. This leads on to great shots of massed combat, with hundreds of extras in full costume. That said, the inexplicable shots of ninjas somersaulting through the trees are a bit distracting.
Once the new King crowned, he sets off with a motley fellowship of misfits in order to invade the villain's fortress. Yes, he thinks of his kingly duties as an excuse to go on a heroic suicide mission.
Martial Arts expert Dolph Lungren (
Masters of the Universe
) gets sucked through a portal and dumped in a Swords & Sorcery world.
The King (a terribly miscast Lochlyn Munro -
Jason Vs. Freddy
) sends him on a quest - to assassinate an evil witch.
Shockingly, this is not as bad as the original film (despite having the same director - Uwe Boll ).
This movie was conceived as a prequel to the
Lord of the Rings
Series, so there are lots of references shoe-horned into it.
In fact, the original book is a stand-alone while the film adaptation is a trilogy
- so there is a lot of padding!
The story does not start with the Hobbit himself.
We get backstory about the Dwarven stronghold
being taken over by a Dragon named Smaug.
Then we get a bookend narration of Bilbo (Ian Holm) and Frodo (Elijah Wood),
just before the start of the events in
LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring
. And finally, we flash back sixty years to the start of the proper story.
Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman - Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy ) is recruited by Gandalf the Wizard. He joins a dozen Dwarves on their quest to kill a dragon and reclaim their home. En route, they encounter Goblins and other monsters. Lots of stabbings and violent death ensue - but to get a PG-13 rating, there is no blood!
The problem with the story is that it has been overly padded out. This film only takes up the first six chapters of the book, which has been split in three to make it a LOTR-style trilogy. Radaghast the Brown (Sylvester McCoy - Dr Who ) only gets mentioned in passing in the original book. Here, extensive scenes featuring him have been shoe-horned into the story. This pads out the running time, but adds nothing to the actual story. If anything, this added distraction just makes the story drag.
Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman -
Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy
), Gandalf the Wizard and a dozen Dwarves are on their quest to kill a dragon and reclaim their home.
En route, they encounter Goblins and other monsters.
Lots of stabbings and violent death ensue
- but to get a PG-13 rating, there is no blood!
The Dwarves encounter the Wood Elves. The Elf-King (Lee Pace - Pushing Daisies ) is a sociopath, and his son Legolas (Orlando Bloom - Pirates of the Carribean ) insults Gimli's father. Tauriel ( Evangeline Lilly ) is Captain of the Guard, and starts to fall for Kili the Dwarf (Aidan Turner - Being Human ). The Elves barely get a mention in the book, while now they get to do huge cartoonish battle scenes where they wipe out dozens of Orcs.
Gandalf ventures off to meet Radaghast the Brown (Sylvester McCoy - Dr Who ) to fight the Necromancer, who only gets mentioned in the original book. Here, extensive scenes featuring him have been shoe-horned into the story. This pads out the running time, but adds nothing to the actual story. If anything, this added distraction just makes the story drag.
When the Dwarves get to Laketown, Bard (Luke Evans - Three Musketeers ) tries to involve them in his Socialist uprising against the oafish Mayor (Stephen Fry - ). And when they get to the Mountain, Bilbo has to face Smaug (Benedict Cumberbach - Star Trek: Into Darkness ).
As the title suggests, the main section of this film concerns the battle itself.
The Dragon is dealt with in the first act, and the armies line up to fight.
Dwarves, humans and elves
- first against each other, because Thorin is driven mad with gold-fever
- and then against the oncoming hordes of Orcs.
Despite there being literally an army of dwarves from the Iron Hills present, the fact that Thorin refuses to abandon his post is made a big deal of. An extra dozen dwarves would hardly turn the tide of battle against thousands of orcs. Likewise, the human mayor’s toadie is treated like a villain for his cowardice. But he can hardly be blamed for staying out of harm’s way - he would be a liability to anyone who fought beside him.
Finally, the Dwarf Champions take on the Orc Champions. Legolas gets to run on stones in mid-air (like Wylie E. Coyote), and the laws of physics are generally ignored. This cartoonishness removes all suspension of disbelief, damaging the film even more.
Second film in
Peter Jackson
's trilogy, it takes up where
LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring
left off.
Frodo (Elijah Wood -
The Faculty
) and Sam (Sean Astin -
Harrison Bergeron
) are on their way to Mordor.
They are followed by Gollum (Andy Sirkis -
Deathwatch
).
Merry and Pippin (Dominic Monaghan - Lost ) meet the Ents, led by Treebeard (John Rhys Davies - Raiders of the Lost Ark ).
Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas (Orlando Bloom - Pirates Of The Caribbean ) meet the Riders of Rohan, led by Karl Urban ( Xena: Warrior Princess ). Then they must help Miranda Otto to free the King (Bernard Hill - Gothika ) from the influence of Grima Wormtongue (Brad Dourif - Alien Resurrection ).
Saruman (Christopher Lee - SW II: Attack of the Clones ) sends a huge army of Orcs to besiege our heroes in the fortress of Helm's Deep. This leads on to one of three huge battles that take place simultaneously!
This is the final part of
Peter Jackson
's trilogy, and the one he was awarded the Oscar for.
Frodo and Sam must face Shelob, a gigantic spider that guards the route to Mordor.
Merry and Pippin are reunited with Aragorn and the others. Together they must organise the defence of the last Kingdom of Men from the combined forces of all of Sauron's evil.
Poor Liv Tyler , given such an enlarged role in the first film, now has nothing to do but waste away.
Jim Caviezel (
Passion of the Christ
) is framed by his best friend, Guy Pearce (
The Time Machine
). He spends many long years imprisoned by Michael Winfield (
The Crow, Alien: Resurrection, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
). Eventually he escapes, and plots his revenge.
This is based on the novel by Alexandre Dumas . It keeps more or less to the story, and is a fair retelling of it.
Edmond Dantes is framed by his former boss.
Even his best friend, an army officer, betrays him.
He spends many long years imprisoned in a dungeon.
Eventually he escapes, and plots his revenge.
After the success of The 3 Musketeers: D'Artagnan (2023) , this is the first French-language adaptation in decades based on the Monte Cristo novel by Alexandre Dumas . It has been updated a bit, for modern audiences. For example, the British character Lord Halifax uses the term Indigenous person instead of a more period-authentic slur.
The book's escape storyline inspired Shawshank Redemption , and the revenge storyline inspired V For Vendetta . However, this version puts its own spin on things. Dante's sidekick Jacopo is reduced to a silent henchman, and Dante's main accomplices are the younger generation - the tweenage kids of the villains' victims.
This is set in the Napoleonic era,
in a fictional European country named Lichtenburg.
The land is now a military dictatorship,
and the heroes want to liberate it in the name of freedom.
Since this film came out after the Second World War began,
but while the USA was technically neutral,
the theme makes this a subtle piece of wartime propaganda.
The Grand Duchess, a young and attractive damsel in distress, tries to escape the dictator and summon help from France. She runs into Edmund Dantes, who has inherited his father's title as the Count of Monte Cristo.
Dantes joins the rebels and goes undercover in the villain's palace. To do this, he passes himself off as a fop - like Percy Blakeney in The Scarlet Pimpernel , the character who inspired Zorro ... who then inspired Bruce Wayne's foppishness in Batman .
The villain has the decency to lead from the front, and is a skilled tracker among other things. This makes him a credible threat to the hero, and more well-rounded than many other antagonists.
This is a technicolour film by a Poverty Row studio,
using public domain or generic characters and no-name actors.
The story starts with the French Emperor's coach
getting ambushed by a rabble of rowdy rebels.
Well, they have horses and swords
so they are not the usual band of revolting peasants.
The coach's passenger is not the Emperor, but his brother - the First Minister. Their dialogue gives the necessary exposition - this is set in the aftermath of the Crimean War, when France has economic difficulties. The First Minister is the power behind the throne, responsible for getting his brother elected President and then declaring himself Emperor (AKA President For Life). Now the First Minister seeks to crack down on civil liberties, to prevent public unrest turning into full-scale rebellion.
The ambushers are traced to the province of Normandy, so the First Minister is sent there with a group of Dragoons. They are beset by a masked cavalier, who seems to be the leader of the rebels. Not only is this cavalier secretly an aristocrat, like in Zorro , but they are actually a woman - like in The Wicked Lady .
The rebels need funding to publicise their revolt and get mass popular support. Luckily, the Cavalier's father was best friends with the Count of Monte Cristo. The Count willed the treasure to his friend, who has put it at his daughter's disposal. Although the treasure is cunningly concealed, the Sword of Monte Cristo serves as both map and key. This sword becomes the maguffin that everyone is after - the King's men so they can solve the country's financial problems, and the First Minister so he can fund a coup in his own name.
The main protagonist is actually the Captain of Dragoons, caught between his duty and his love for the heiress. That said, the female lead gets to do her fair share of swashbuckling.
King Louis the Fourteenth (Leonardo DeCaprio -
Django Unchained
) is an evil tyrant.
Randall Wallace , the man responsible for writing Braveheart , puts his own spin on the Musketeers story. The marketing emphasised Leonardo's role as the title character, but that ploy came after his success in Titanic that year. The film itself centres on the Musketeers, and although Leo has two important roles he is still really a supporting player.
Charles Dartagnian (Michael York -
), a young nobleman, has been trained by his father (Joss Ackland -
) to be an expert sword-fighter.
He goes to Paris to get commissioned in the Musketeers,
an elite regiment assigned as bodyguards of the French King.
Enroute he falls foul of Rochefort (Christopher Lee -
Dracula
), an experienced villain who easily defeats the youngster.
The good news is that he overhears Rochefort
talking with the mysterious Milady Dewinter (
Faye Dunaway
), which is important to the plot later on.
In Paris, Dartagnian's luck is not much better. He cannot get a commission in the Musketeers without first serving meritoriously in another army unit. Worse, instead of befriending the three top Musketeers - Porthos (Frank Finlay - Lifeforce ), Athos (Oliver Reed - Gladiator ) and Aramis (Richard Chamberlain - ) - he ends up having to duel them. The good news is that they can unite against a common enemy. The nearest thing to police that the city has is the Cardinal's Guards, who have been ordered to arrest brawlers and duellists. After all, this is an era when people still solve problems with violence instead of trusting in the courts of law.
Dartagnian uses his share of the money they steal to hire a servant (Roy Kinear - ) and rent a room for lodgings. His landlord (Spike Milligan - ) is married to Constance ( Raquel Welch ), who by incredible coincidence is also a lady-in-waiting for the Queen of France ( ).
Cardinal Richelieu (Charlton Heston - The Omega Man ) is the French King's First Minster, which is to say that he actually does the hands-on job of running the country. His opposite number, the Duke of Buckingham - the English King's First Minister - is arriving in Paris. Richelieu seeks to prove that Buckingham is having an affair with the Queen of France. The best proof will be a gift that the Queen gave to her lover. The Musketeers must get it, before Milady and Rochefort give it to Richelieu.
This was directed by Richard Lester , from a script by George MacDonald Fraser adapted from the original novel by Alexandre Dumas . The tone is comedy-thriller, similar to Fraser's other film Royal Flash .
Dartagnian (Michael York -
) has a happy life with Constance (
Raquel Welch
). He has been accepted by the others as the fourth musketeer.
Unfortunately he gets seduced by Milady Dewinter (
Faye Dunaway
) and ends up getting targeted by her.
She gets the permission of Cardinal Richelieu (Charlton Heston -
The Omega Man
), and orders Rochefort (Christopher Lee -
Dracula
) to help her.
While Rochefort keeps the Musketeers busy in France, Milady carries out Richelieu's orders in England. Buckingham avoids her attempt to kill him, and has her imprisoned by a sex-hating Puritan who seems immune to her seductive charms.
Richard Lester made this from extra footage shot for The Three Musketeers (1973) . Yes, this was originally one movie rather than two films shot back-to-back. As a result, the cast were only paid for one film rather than two so Hollywood contracts have been more specific ever since.
This is an example of style over substance,
and the storyline owes more to the previous films than to the books.
Mads Mikkelsen (
Clash of the Titans, Casino Royale
) as Rochefort is an inferior carbon-copy of Michael Wincott’s version.
Yes, this film is so bad you wish you were watching the Charlie Sheen version.
Our heroes, nominally Musketeers (who use Muskets), are normally portrayed as expert swordsmen instead. But here they are James Bond type secret agents, with special skills and fancy gadgets. They include a couple of recognisable faces - Porthos (Ray Stevenson - Rome ), Athos (Matthew McFadyen - Robin Hood (2010) ) and Aramis (Luke Evans - Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug ).
There is a great supporting cast - Milady ( Milla Jovovich ), Buckingham (Orlando Bloom - Pirates of the Caribbean ) and Planchet (James Cordon - Lesbian Vampire killers ) are scene-stealers. Seriously, it is that bad. In its defence, the visuals are spectacular - if you like anachronistic pre-steampunk CGI airships blowing things up.
As with the stories of King Arthur and Robin Hood,
roughly every ten years there is a new version of the Musketeers stories.
Recently those stories have become more and more fanciful.
This new version is a return to the original,
with dialogue in French and the story by Alexandre Dumas.
There is some CGI, but it - like the drone footage -
is used to support the story, not replace it with spectacle.
The story is set in 1627, when France is ruled by a weak King who relies on Cardinal Richelieu as his First Minister. A young man named D'Artagnan travels from his remote country home to the big city of Paris, with dreams of joining the Musketeers. At an inn on the way he blunders into a sword-fight, and gets involved despite not knowing who the combatants are. Milady ( Eva Green ) leaves him for dead ...
D'Artagnan survives, gets over the trauma and gets to Paris to follow his dreams. First he blunders into the three Musketeers - Athos (Vincent Cassell - Brotherhood of the Wolf ), Porthos and Aramis. They are a group of assholes, and all challenge him to duels. Yes, they push civilians around all the time - and anyone who objects is expected to fight them to the death.
Once the so-called heroes have united against a common foe, the Cardinal's guardsmen, the story really takes off. Athos is framed for murdering a woman, so D'Artagnan must help Porthos and Aramis find the real killer. By incredible coincidence this ties in with Milady's conspiracy. By even greated coincidence, D'Artagnan has rented lodgings in the house of the Queen's lady-in-waiting. Yes, so much of this depends on complete coincidence.
The main storyline is the traditional one about the Duke of Buckingham and the French Queen. Strangely, the focus is on the Cardinal's apparent hatred of the Queen instead of his interest in destablising Catholic France's uneasy peace with Episcopalian England. This is even stranger when one considers that the climax, which sets up the next film, has the French government fighting against England's allies - the Huguenot people of La Rochelle.
Constance gets kidnapped.
When he tries to save her, Dartagnan also gets kidnapped.
He escapes, but discovers she is being held elsewhere.
After all, the story would be over very quickly otherwise.
Instead, he teams up with Milady (
Eva Green
).
As with Four Musketeers: Milady's Revenge (1974) , this movie is about the siege of La Rochelle. Of course, this movie puts its own spin on the story. Someone is plotting behind the scenes to set the Royalist Catholics and Revolutionary Huguenots against each other.
Back in 1905, a carnival wizard called Oz (James Franco -
Your Highness
) ends up getting sucked into a whirlwind, and finds himself in the merry old land of Oz!
Although Oz is a shyster with no magical powers, he runs into a trio of powerful witches. Mila Kunis falls in love with him, her sister Rachel Weitz manipulates him, and Michelle Williams straight-out uses him for her own ends. Luckily, Oz is owed a wookie life debt by a flying monkey (Zach Braff - Scrubs).
This may be a Sam Raimi film, but it is also a family-friendly blockbuster. The darker aspects of the script do not go further than anything done by Tim Burton . The 3D SPFX are at their best when the characters are flying around in the air, but otherwise add little to the film. All in all, it might be the best of a clutch of 3-D blockbusters released in Spring 2013, but it is not a terribly memorable film in its own right.
This is a follow-up to
The Wizard of Oz
, made fifty years after the original.
To think, this reviewer's generation thought that
the seventeen year lead-up to the
Star Wars
prequels was a long wait!
After her home was destroyed by the tornado, Dorothy Gale ( Fairuza Balk ) was sent to live with her aunt ( Piper Laurie ). However, her obsession with the mystical land of Oz leaves auntie with no option but to seek professional help. She takes Dorothy to a medical quack (Nichol Williamson - Excalibur (1981) ) - well, this was the era of medicine depicted in The Road To Wellsville . His sidekick is Jean Marsh , famous for her wicked witch roles.
The casting is quite impressive. Balk is one of the few 1980s child stars to have continued her career with any great degree of success. Williamson was Merlin in Excalibur , while Marsh was the Witch-Queen in Willow . A pity their evil team-up was not better conveyed.
These days, the most common complaint about films is the crappy CGI. Unfotunately, this film is let down by its crappy practical effects. In fact, it is not that the effects are crappy as such, merely that they are quite disappointing. The original sidekicks in the 1930s movie The Wizard of Oz were actors with grease-paint make-up, which allowed them to emote. The updated 1980s versions are rubbery and impersonal, so the audience perceives them as things rather than people and cannot relate to them in a personal way.
This is not a sequel to
Wizard of Oz
, but an alternate version.
A modern-day career girl crosses into a magical (out-of-copyright) world, as in the recent
Alice
or the classic (well, 2000CE)
The Tenth Kingdom
. Yes, this setup makes
Harry Potter
look original!
We start with a long-winded exposition on the Witches of Oz stealing the Book of Ultimate Magic from the Wizard (Christopher Lloyd - Back To The Future ). Dorothy Gale steals the book's key, then returns to Kansas. When she grows up she lives in modern day New York City. Frank L Baum never existed, and Dorothy Gale herself is in the process of writing the Oz books!
The Witches come to NYC, looking for the key. This means that the budget is not wasted on Fantasy sets, and is instead spent on talent. Luckily for Dorothy she has three male friends (including Billy Boyd - Lord of the Rings ) to help her out.
Despite being a low-budget film this was produced by Starz (a US Cable TV channel)
and directed by Peter Deluise (
Stargate SG-1
). In other words, it counts as made-for-TV instead of just a low-budget feature,
and it has a lot of TV actors who are recognisable from genre shows.
The story starts in England, 1174. Julian Sands ( Warlock ) is a henchman working for the Sheriff of Nottingham. Despite having an upper-crust English accent he is lumbered with the Scottish name of Malcolm. He leads his boss out to find a flying monster, and discover a naked girl named Helena ( Katherine Isabelle ).
Malcolm realises a couple of things. Firstly, the girl's blood has magical properties. She is a shapeshifter, like in Ginger Snaps . Secondly, he can easily inherit the job of Sheriff of Nottingham by out-living all his rivals.
By incredible coincidence, a young man is in the woods and witnesses everything. Then he wakes up as Robin Hood (Robin Dunne - Sanctuary ). Hood, with his Merry Men (both of them!) robs the local tax collectors. Meanwhile, Lady Marian ( Erica Durance ), is unhappy about being married off to Duke Leopold of Austria. She is a tomboy who spends all day hitting things with a quarterstaff.
Jerusalem, 1194.
Robin of Locksley (Kevin Costner -
Waterworld
) is locked in a dungeon with Azeem (Morgan Freeman -
Bruce Almighty
). Together they escape from the prison
and make their way to England.
Since Robin saved Azeem's life,
the Moor swore a wookiee life-debt.
They land at the white cliffs of Dover,
then stop off at Hadrian's Wall for a chat.
When Robin gets home to Nottingham he discovers his father (Brian Blessed - Flash Gordon ) has been murdered by the wicked Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman - Galaxy Quest ) and his sidekick, Guy of Gisbourne (Michael Wincott - The Crow ). This leaves Robin disinherited, so he becomes an outlaw.
Robin recruits a team to help him on his mission. Maid Marian ( Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio ) is a kick-ass ninja when the story allows, although somehow she becomes a damsel in distress for the climax. Will Scarlet (Christian Slater - ) grudgingly agrees to join, despite bearing a grudge against Robin. All this comes out when he monologues his backstory at the appropriately emotional point.
Azeem is perhaps the most interesting character in the gang. He is not the first BIPOC in a Robin Hood story - Robin of Sherwood (1986) featured Nasir the Hashishim, a Saracen character played by the Caucasian actor Mark Ryan. Azeem is not a slave, because he follows Robin of his own free will. His role in the story is to school the white characters, thanks to his superior knowledge of medicine, telescopes and gunpowder. So is he a stereotypical Uncle Sam, just there to support what the White characters do? If this movie were race-swapped, with Kevin Costner as the sole White person among a lower-technology BIPOC culture, it would be Dances With Wolves.
All in all, this is a major blockbuster movie with a generic cast and a public domain storyline. It came out at the same time as two other movies on the same topic - the more serious Robin Hood (1991) and the straight-up comedy Robin Hood: Men in Tights . The thing that really sets it apart is the theme song, Everything I Do, which was number one in the pop charts for about six months running.
Ridley Scott delivers his follow-up to
Kingdom of Heaven
- you can expect more of the same.
Historical inaccuracies are obvious, but at least he made a bit of an effort.
Longbow archer Robin Longstride (Russell Crowe - Gladiator ) pretends to be a knight, Robert of Loxley. He goes home to the Knight's father, elderly Baron (Max Von Sydow, in a role much like the one he played in Solomon Kane ). He also has to contend with feisty widow-woman ( Cate Blanchett ) who could do worse than the oafish sheriff of Nottingham (Matthew McFadyen - The 3 Musketeers )
Meanwhile, rent-a-villain Mark Strong ( Stardust ) plots to help the French King invade England.
Once upon a time, Robin of Loxley (Taron Egerton -
Kingsman
) fell in love with Maid Marian (
Eve Hewson
). Unfortunately, he was conscripted to fight in the Crusades.
Well, in a conflict in Arabia where everyone uses archery at close range
instead of actual melee weapons like spears.
In a display of humanity,
Robin tries to save the son of the Saracen General (Jamie Fox -
Django Unchained
). This ends badly, but sets them up as reluctant allies against a common foe.
The tactics are not the only anachronisms. When they return to England, the production design is Edwardian. There is a massive display of riveted metal, which would be more suited to the First World War than the Crusades!
When Robin the Mockey gets home, he discovers that Marian the Dubliner has shacked up with a Belfast man named Will (Jamie Dornan - Once Upon A Time ). Yes, what a mess of regional accents. However, the audience's suspension of disbelief should be long gone by this stage.
In a twist, the Sheriff of Nottingham does not serve Prince John. No, there is a creepy Cardinal who pulls his strings. Is this Cardinal Richelieu? Well, he is not named - but that is certainly the implication.
Robin Hood and his Merry Men save a wounded man
from the Sheriff of Nottingham (Peter Cushing -
Dracula
). To solve the mystery behind the Sheriff's plot,
Robin goes undercover by pretending to be the fugitive.
Robin shows off his archery skills, and gets hired by a creepy nobleman. Unfortunately the nobleman's henchman (Oliver Reed - Curse of the Werewolf ) takes an instant dislike to Robin.
The villain's plot is to increase his own land holdings, and in an era when land equated to wealth (and power) he would thus significantly improve his own status.
This is a Hammer Production, shot by Terence Fisher at Ardmore, County Wicklow in Ireland.
Robin (Errol Flynn -
Robin (Patrick Bergin -
