ORBzine - Techno-Thriller 2007 Movie Reviews


The Tuxedo

The Tuxedo Jimmy Tong (Jackie Chan - Armour of God ) is a cab driver who winds up as sidekick to an English Secret Agent (Jason Isaacs - Event Horizon ). Jimmy ends up replacing his boss, and partners with beautiful lady spy Jennifer Love Hewitt to save the world. Luckily, Jimmy borrows his boss's tuxedo - a super-gadget that allows him to act like, well, like Jackie Chan. Kung-Fu comedy ensues!

This is a parody of the James Bond films, among other things. There is a villain out to conquer the world, and a bumbling fool cast into the role of Secret Agent - just like in Cody Banks , a similar parody which came out around the same time. However, The Tuxedo is carried by its incredible cast. Jackie Chan excels at this kind of work, and Ms Hewitt is very pleasing to the eye!

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  • Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life

    Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life Lara Croft ( Angelina Jolie ) is ambushed by SCUBA-diving Chinese bandits. The British Government hires her to retrieve a magic orb that will lead her to Pandora's Box. Not only is she the only one with the necessary skills, but she is also on first-name terms with most of the persons involved.

    Lara recruits an untrustworthy ex-lover, Terry Sheridan (Gerard Butler - Dracula 2001 ), as a guide - he knows many of the players too. However, she tends to ignore his advice. He wants to take the slow way into China, whereas she has a high-tech alternative already lined up. If she does not listen to him or even trust him, why does she bother to bring him along?

    Evil billionaire Mr Rice (Ciaran Hinds - Ghost Rider 2 ) is after the artefact, knowning it will lead him to Pandora's Box. The box contains a deadly disease, which is why Alexander the Great had it hidden in a magic cave guarded by supernatural monsters. Rice wants to sell it to the highest bidder as a bio-weapon, like the villain of Mission Impossible 2 . Naturally this would end in a Zombie Apocalypse, but Rice does not seem to care. He has forgotten the saying there are no pockets in a shroud.

    In modern times, many Hollywood blockbusters are filmed in China for financial reasons - to secure a spot in the Chinese market. This film, released in the year 2003, evidently got its funding from product placement. The Chinese setting seems purely because it is glamourous and exotic. At least there is some nice cinematography, courtesy of director Jan De Bont .

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  • Die Hard Franchise

    Die Hard 4.0 AKA Live Free or Die Hard

    Die Hard 4.0 AKA Live Free or Die Hard John MacLane (Bruce Willis - Fifth Element ) is still in the NYPD, but has nothing better to do than hang around a college campus stalking - I mean, protecting, his daughter Lucy ( Mary Elizabeth Winstead ). Then he gets a call, to go and arrest computer hacker Justin Long ( Galaxy Quest, Jeepers Creepers ) ...

    Super-hacker Gabriel (Timothy Olyphant - Hitman ) does not limit himself to a building, an airport or even a city. He has decided to shut down the Eastern Seaboard of the USA. His girlfriend ( Maggie Q ) is also an ass-kicking assassin, which is lucky for him since he can get her to kill potential threats without having to pay her the going rate.

    Kevin Smith tries his hand at proper acting. Let's just say he was better as Silent Bob!

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  • Die Hard 5: A Good Day To Die Hard

    Die Hard 5 John MacLane (Bruce Willis - Fifth Element ) gets a lift to the airport with his daughter Lucy ( Mary Elizabeth Winstead ). This could have been the start of a great movie, with a kick-ass female leading the next generation of the the Die Hard Die-Nasty. Will they board a plane to Germany to face Hans Gruber's relatives?

    Unfortunately, Lucy stays home while daddy goes to Moscow alone. He must collect his wayward son (Jai Courtney - Spartacus: Blood and Sand ). Yes, the next generation of MacLanes is just an inferior copy of the original. This makes Courtney the new Sam Worthington. Remember how, a couple of years before this film, Worthington was the Australian who starred in remakes of classics like Clash of the Titans , franchise films like Terminator Salvation and blockbusters like Avatar ? Well, his fellow Australian Courtney has filled his niche with franchise films like Divergent, Terminator: Genesys, Suicide Squad .

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  • Hitman Franchise


    Hitman We get an expositionary intro stolen from the pilot episode of Dark Angel , as the baldy barcoded children escape from their school. . Basically, this is about super-assassins who can somehow blend in anywhere on earth, despite being bald-headed Caucasian men with barcodes tattooed on their heads. Seriously.

    The protagonist, Number 47 (Timothy Olyphant - The Crazies Die hard 4.0 ) must have been caught, because when he grows up he is a Hitman working for a secret Agency. He kills a Russian politician, gets hunted by the Head of local police (T-Bag from Heroes ), and then gets told he must kill a witness. Naturally the plot takes a couple of twists from there, and the Hitman must go on the run.

    He takes along the witness ( Olga Kurlenko ), a friendly Russian hooker who keeps our hero company and becomes his cliched love interest. Despite being a black-clad baldie with a barcode on his head and Interpol cops after him, he manages to remain remarkably inconspicuous.

    He goes on the offensive, and tracks down Desmond from Lost - the Russian President's wayward brother, an illegal arms dealer who becomes the Hitman's target.

    There are some great action scenes, but it is nothing we have not seen in John Woo films over the years.

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  • Hitman: Agent 47

    Hitman: Agent 47 Agent 47 is back, although he now looks like Rupert Friend. His backstory has been rewritten, and the hitmen were now created by the Soviets rather than the Americans. His mission this time is to locate his progenitor (Ciaran Hinds - Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life ) before the Syndicate can use his knowledge and re-start their super-soldier program.

    Agent 47's first target is a young woman who is believed to be able to find the progenitor. However, a helpful fellow tries to protect the woman. The bad news is, he is Syler from Heroes .

    This is a low-budget straight-to-video effort. Well, the original film was not exactly big-budget either, but this has a cast of virtual unknowns. However, the small budget is well-spent on flashy visuals such as shoot-outs. Not exactly John Woo stuff, but the film-makers knew what their target audience wanted.

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