Heath Ledger (
Brothers Grimm, The Dark Knight
) is the title character, the arch-seducer at liberty in Renaissance Venice
under the rule of Tim McInnery (Blackadder).
He attempts to seduce Sienna Miller , the daughter of Lena Olin , while dodging Catholic Inquisitor Jeremy Irons ( Dungeons & Dragons ). Oliver Platt ( Bicentennial Man ) helps out.
This is a 21st Century adaptation of a 17th Century novel -
set in the 19th Century, to increase the anachronism.
Don Quixote (John Lithgow
3rd Rock from The Sun
), an elderly gentleman, goes senile and thinks he is a Knight.
He goes on a quest with his loyal squire, Sancho Panza (Bob Hoskins -
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Hook
) on behalf of a washerwoman he thinks is the Lady Dulcinea (
Vanessa Williams
).
During their adventures, they meet a variety of equally interesting characters. Some are helpful, like the young graduate (James Purefoy - Rome ). Others merely want to mock the adventurers - like Isobella Rossellini and Lambert Wilson ( Sahara, Catwoman ).
Darth Vader lookalike Voltan (Jack Palance -
Spy in the Green Hat
) threatens to pillage a nunnery unless a ransom is paid.
The head nun, Annette Crosbie, sends W. Morgan Sheppard (
SeaQuest DSV
) to summon Hawk the Slayer (John Terry -
Living Daylights
). But even with Hawk's magic sword and Sheppard's automatic crossbow (!!!) they still need help.
They recruit a band of desperados - a Giant (Bernard Bresslaw -
Krull
), a dwarf and an elf. Yes, instead of the Dirty Dozen or Magnificent Seven,
the nuns are protected by the ... Five.
Patricia Quinn pops up as a sorceress.
The best thing about it is the music, which owes more than a little to Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds!
This is a big-budget epic with a great cast and director (
Ridley Scott
). Orlando Bloom (
LOTR, Pirates of the Caribbean
) is on the run, but luckily meets his father (Liam Neeson -
SW1: TPM
), a Crusader.
Once in the Holy Land, Orlando must save the Christians from defeat in a war that nobody really wanted. The story feels like Gladiator meets Pirates of the Caribbean , with a bit of SW1: TPM thrown in for good measure. True to modern political correctness, it makes the Templars eeevil and the Saracens noble.
Eighteenth Century London. Morgan Freeman (
Seven
) liberates a petulant young girl from an orphanage, and takes her on a journey to the Americas.
This section frames the main story, as Freeman reads to her the journal of her mother - the title character.
Freeman's English accent is not the best, and makes his normally excellent narration sub-par.
Moll Flanders ( Robin Wright ) was born in Newgate prison. She worked in a brothel, became an artist's model ...
The Alex Kingston version had a lot more incidents, but as a TV mini-series it was a lot longer. This film does quite well at over two hours.
This was filmed entirely in Ireland. Ardal O'Hanlon (Father Ted) is one of the Brothel customers, and Jeremy Brett (Sherlock Holmes) is the artist's father.
This was intended as a swashbuckling franchise like
Pirates of the Caribbean
, with up to six sequels.
It has got a lot of recent political commentary involved, but is mildly entertaining.
Once upon a time, a Persian king adopted an Ali Baba type thief-boy, Dostan. Fifteen years later, Dostan (Jake Gyllenhall - ) is dragged along when his adopted brothers decide to conquer an Islamic city based on dodgy evidence of secret weapons caches. See what I mean about modern politics?
The King is murdered, and in the most blatant frame-up ever poor Jake gets the blame. The scoundrel and the Princess ( Gemma Arterton ) go on the run together, predictably bickering like ... well, like Han and Leia. They bump into Alfred Molina, who is paranoid about Big Government raising taxation and spending it on secret death squads.
Dostan tries to clear his name, and find out who the real killer is. The King's brother is the Evil Hood (Ben Kingsley - Thunderbirds ). This means that the inevitable twist in the story is not exactly unexpected.
The climax involves a genuine super-weapon, a magical dagger which can turn back time.
This is yet another big-budget B-Movie based on a pulp bestseller by
Michael Crichton
. It is basically the time-travel equivalent of
Congo.
Archaeologist Billy Connolly ( X-Files: I Want To Believe ) works for Billionaire David Thewlis ( Dragonheart ) on an excavation at a medieval castle in France. Connolly's team include his son Paul Walker (Into the Blue), Walker's girlfriend Frances O'Connor and Connolly's sidekick Gerard Butler ( Dracula 2001 ). They make a lot of apparently off-the-cuff remarks that we know will turn out ironic later.
The Billionaire sends his pet archaeologists through a time portal to the Middle ages. A couple of ex-Marines go along as token red-shirts. Naturally, things go wrong. Luckily it's a Hollywood version of History, without dirt or grime or suffering. Butler goes chasing after a French peasant woman (like all French women in Hollywood, played by an English actress - this time Anna Friel ). The English, especially the villainous Martin Csokas ( XXX ), make things as hard as they can for our heroes.
The Archaeologists seem to know very little about the time period they're studying. The reason why they side with the villainous Frenchies instead of the hard-working English does not make sense either. Perhaps they wish to return to a future where the USA is now Greater Quebec!
King Henry 8th (Richard Burton -
) becomes infactuated with Anne Boelyn (
Genevieve Bujold
), but she will not sleep with him until they are married.
Unfortunately he is already married to Queen Catherine (
Irene Pappas
). Luckily, Cardinal Thomas Wolsey (Anthony Quayle -
) sets up the groundwork for a royal divorce.
When the Pope refuses to acknowledge an anulment of the marriage,
the King's lawyer Thomas Cromwell (John Colicos -
Star Trek: TOS
) sets the groundwork for the Reformation and eventual dissolution of the monasteries.
There are a lot of familiar faces from other British films of the era. Quayle and Pappas both worked on Guns of Navarone. Burton starred in another Alistair MacLean adaptation, Where Eagles Dare.
The film's main problem is the uneven characterisation of people who are actual real-life historical figures. The only one who is consistent is Cromwell, who comes across as a creepy manipulative villain because he is played by a professional rent-a-villain.
This is the story of Thomas Moore,
Lord Chancellor of England in the reign on Henry VIII (Robert Shaw -
Jaws
). Unfortunately, Henry's divorce meant embracing the Reformation.
Thomas Moore fell out of favour, and eventually became the target of his replacements.
This was based on a biography on Moore written by his son-in-law, and thus is flattering to the point of being misleading. Moore is presented as being a fair-minded man, whereas in reality he was responsible for the execution of Tyndale for the crime of translating the Bible into English! The other three Thomases - Wolsey (Orson Welles - Casino Royale ), Cromwell (Leo McKern - The Prisoner ) and Cranmer - are all portrayed as extremely corrupt in comparison.
A decade before the year 1000CE,
at the end of the Dark Ages,
a knight (Denis Quaid -
Inner Space
) tries to teach the code of chivalry
to the son and heir of a tyrannical king.
When the King dies in a peasant uprising,
the young Prince is mortally wounded.
His mother the Queen (
Julie Christie
) arranges for the boy to be cured by magical means,
by sharing the heart of a CGI dragon (Sean Connery -
Never Say Never Again
).
A decade later, the young King (David Thewlis - Timeline ) is a brutal tyrant like his father before him. His henchman (Brian Thompson - The X-Files ) and tax collector (Jason Isaacs - Event Horizon ) keep everyone in line. Kara ( Dina Meyer ) is the only peasant who will speak out against him.
By this stage, the noble knight has fallen on hard times. He is a hard-bitten and cyincal slayer of dragons, and single-handedly drives the species to extinction. In other words, he is so successful that he destroys his own trade. However, the last Dragon cuts a deal with him. They team up to con money out of the local villages, with the dragon pretending to menace them while the knight comes to their rescue. A wandering monk (Pete Postlethwaite - Rat ) falls in with the knight, thinking him to be genuine.
Eventually Kara teams up with the others, and they try to topple the evil tyrant. However, the only way to kill the King is to destroy both halves of the magical heart. The problem is that the other half is still in the Dragon.
So why has this movie fallen down the memory hole? It may have spawned several spin-off sequels, but none of them had enough budget to bring back the original characters. The CGI is pretty shoddy, compared with Jurassic Park , and since the Dragon is the central character that is a big problem. None of the others had the Connery's charm, this put the film at a big disadvantage.
Christopher Masterson (
Scary Movie 2
), the eldest brother from Malcolm in the Middle,
befriends a dragon.
Together they must help decide who rules the kingdom.
The location and cast are Slovakian, which kept costs down. The song is My heart goes with you, as unoriginal as it sounds. The fight double is Tony Leung, probably the best thing about this effort.
A gang of four super-powered brigands kills a farm-load of farmers.
They inadvertently leave a survivor, a tweenage farmboy,
who seeks revenge against them.
First he goes to a tavern,
where he meets a tough guy with his own story arc who offers to help.
This is all pretty regular stuff.
The boy recruits a dragon ( Helena Bonham Carter ) to help him bring the bandits to justice. She and the sell-word bicker a lot - it turns out that their backstory is intertwined.
As with the other movies in the series, the plot has a satisfying twist.
Thousands of years after the events of the first
Dungeons and Dragons
movie, and there is no technological progression.
Damadar (Bruce Payne -
Highlander: Endgame
), henchman from the first film, is now an archvillain in his own right.
Damadar plans to revive a slumbering dragon, and use it to destroy a city. The city sends a handful of mis-matched adventurers on a dungeon-bash - much closer to the game than the original movie was.
This story is set in a swords & sorcery world,
where our young hero is an apprentice knight in an order of valiant warriors.
Unfortunately his group is wiped out,
his father is kidnapped, and he is left for dead.
He must disguise his true origins,
join the band of murderous barbarians on their quest,
and infiltrate the villains' ranks in order to save his father.
The book of evil has been a cliché since the days of HP Lovecraft , and most recently parodied in the TV show Todd and the Book of Pure Evil . here it is used as a plot device.
The one interesting idea in this film is that the hero joins an EVIL group of adventurers on a quest! And as he loses his heroic edge, we see genuine character development.
This starts with Edgin the Bard (Chris Pine -
Wonder Woman
) and Holga the Barbarian (
Michelle Rodriguez
) imprisoned in Castle Black from
Game of Thrones
. At their parole hearing,
Edgin narrates a flashback that explains their backstory.
This kind of exposition is repeated throughout the movie,
with an explanation of background information
followed by a light-hearted quip of some kind.
Not only does this allow the audience access to a well-developed world,
but it also gives the film a light-hearted comedy-thriller tone.
Edgin and Holga were once thieves, along with a con-man named Forge (Hugh Grant - Paddington 2 ). When they were caught, he got away with the loot. Now he has reinvented himself as Lord Neverwinter, and adopted Edgin's daughter as his own. To get back the girl, and a magic tablet that can revive her dead mother, Edgin must recruit a new team of thieves and rob Neverwinter's treasury.
As well as the magical heist storyline, there is a more sinister subplot. Forge has made an alliance with a sorceress, Sofina ( Daisy Head ), who has a sinister agenda of her own. All Forge wants is some loot from some rich suckers, while Sofina wants to magically enslave the city's population.
The result is a fun, watchable movie which features a diverse cast but does not virtue signal about it, and which stays true to the original source material. There is even a visual reference to the 1980s cartoon.
This starts with an expositionary voiceover by Morgan Freeman (
Evan Almighty
), which explains not only the world but the prime McGuffin.
Some Necromancers made a magic mask and conquered the world,
but the barbarians shattered it.
Now the fragments are the main McGuffin
for any Evil Overlord who wants to conquer the world.
Conan grows up in a barbarian village, as in the John Milius version from thirty years previously. The new director, remake-expert Markus Nispel , decides to do the same introduction story but bigger and flashier. What Milius did in a completely silent scene, Nispel does by stuffing in gratuitous expositionary dialogue.
Conan's father, Corin (Ron Perlman - Hellboy ), is the chief of the tribe - and the head blacksmith. He teaches his son the mystery of steel: it needs fire and ice. This is different from the riddle in the Milius version, so presumably it is just a reference to the book series that Game Of Thrones was taken from. In one scene Conan, the youngest child, joins a running race to see who is fit to join the warriors. Yes, this was later used in Wonder Woman 1984 ... and it was not a good idea in that film either. In this version, child Conan is trapped by four Native Americans - and single-handedly slays them all. Yes, he is a completely two-dimensional character fit only for the title of Marty Stu.
Finally, an Evil Overlord named Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang - Avatar ) arrives to slaughter the villagers and steal the fragment. Yes, this is the last fragment he needs to complete the magic mask. He also has an unnecessary flair for the dramatic, and he gives Conan a scene reminiscent of one in Game Of Thrones .
A decade later, Conan (Jason Momoa - Game Of Thrones ) is a barbarian. He teams up with a pirate named Artus (Nonzo Anosie - ) to attack a slaver's camp, because he wants to keep the sex slaves for himself. Later he gets distracted because he gets a clue on his father's killer. Yes, for a decade he has been searching for a gang of high-profile killers but has apparently been unable to find them. Anyway, he goes on a bloodthirsty vengeance quest that involves bumping off Zym's henchmen in unique and visually impressive ways.
The Evil Overlord has also spent the last decade searching in vain. He may have the complete mask, but he and his daughter ( Rose Magowan ) still need the blood of the last descendant of the Necromancers to use it. She is Tamara ( Rachel Nichols ), hidden away in a nunnery. Despite this, she is a brutal killer in her own right.
The villains have metal armour, while the good guys have leather - or nothing. Who will win in a swordfight? It is not even close. Later, Conan infiltrates a villain's lair. While Thulsa Doom had a giant snake in his basement, the new villain has a massive CGI octopus - the equivalent of eight such snakes. Somehow, this does not make the film eight times better.
While the Evil Overlord's plot is to find the McGuffin, Conan's storyline changes to become a save-the-damsel one. Saving the world is not his agenda, and vengeance for his father temporarily takes a back seat.
The best thing about this movie? Well, the locations are very impressive and exotic even though it was shot in Bulgaria - the location for far more pedestrian-looking movies like Solomon Kane .
This is a 1997 adaptation of
Robert E. Howard's work.
There is a basic script, with rock music playing through the action scenes.
Joel Goldsmith did the score.
This is a Kevin Sorbo and Rafaella de Laurentis production.
Kevin Sorbo ( Hercules ) stars as the title character. He is a fish out of water who becomes King by virtual accident (like the John Goodman film), and starts changing laws. Roy Brocksmith ( Total Recall ) is the royal eunuch. Thomas Ian Griffith ( John Carpenter's Vampire$ ) plots against King Kull, and raises sorceress Queen Tia Carrere from the dead.
Kull goes on a quest, taking a ship to the Isle of Ice (like Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger ). The climax is similar to She by Rider Haggard , a comparison Howard himself might not mind. Compared to other Howard adaptations, this is closest to Conan the Destroyer in feel.
This is the much-awaited screen debut of the character created by
Robert E. Howard
, creator of
Kull the Conqueror, Red Sonja & Conan the Barbarian
.
It is the year 1600, and Solomon Kane (James Purefoy - Rome ) is the greatest swordsman in the world. But when the Devil tries to claim his soul, he suddenly finds religion and becomes a pacifist!
Kane falls in with a family of Puritans, led by Pete Postlethwaite ( Rat ) and Alice Krige . They trek across late Elizabethan England, during the time of Shakespeare. The place looks like the modern-day Czech Republic, and is full of thugs and bandits. A thug in a medieval Jason mask is magically enslaving people so they serve an evil sorcerer named Malakili (Jason Flemyng - Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels ). Was not this originally a storyline in the ultra-low-budget 1990s TV show New Adventures of Robin Hood ?
This effort owes little enough to Howard's character, or to historical accuracy. Solomon Kane is an English privateer sailing under the Union Jack ... with all three crosses on it! That is like using the US flag in the same period, including all fifty stars!
There is an unnecessary back-story shoehorned into the plot, concerning Kane's relationship with his father (Max Von Sydow - Flash Gordon, Dune, Judge Dredd ). Lots of cliches are inflicted upon us ...
However, it could have been worse. Kane does not have a love interest, thankfully.
Compared to the recent trilogy of supernatural swashbucklers, this is not as good as the first Pirates of the Caribbean film but it is better than the other two.
All in all, however, this is a reasonable attempt that might even kick-start a straight-to-DVD franchise. The cast is great, the SPFX are excellent ... Maybe with a better script, the next film could be truly worthy.
The eeevil Persians are poised to invade Ancient Greece.
King Leonidas (Gerard Butler -
Dracula 2001, Lara Croft 2
) and his army of 300 muscular stuntmen in posing pouches
(including the monkish sidekick from
Van Helsing
) go to delay the Persians at a mountain pass named Thermoplye.
Meanwhile, back in Sparta, Queen Gorgo ( Lena Headey ) plots with Stephen McHattie ( Haunter ) to raise the rest of the Spartan army and rescue the 300!
Zach Snyder delivers an adaption of a graphic novel by Frank Miller. And much like the last Miller adaption, Sin City , this is just pure style over substance. In order to give it the artistic look and feel, the backdrops are all greenscreen and there is excessive use of slo-mo!
This is adapted from the comic sequel to the original graphic novel.
It was originally to be called Xerxes or Battle of Artemesia,
but they thought that would sound too exotic so they dumbed it down.
The story runs parallel to the first film, although there are bits set before (to give background) and after (to provide conclusion). Thus, certain characters who die in the first film actually make brief reappearances.
While Xerxes leads his land forces against the 300 Spartans, his naval forces under Artemisia ( Eva Green ) face off against a small force of Athenian ships. The result is a series of typically violent confrontations, in the vein of the action scenes from the first film - although there is not the same reliance of slo-mo.
The intro starts with a view of the Parthenon -
reminiscent of the intro to The Guns of Navarone,
which portrayed the WW2 movie as an update of the legends from ancient Greece.
Likewise, that film reinvented the WW2 movie
as the new dominant form of war movie - a replacement for swashbucklers -
specifically, swords and sandals type films like this.
The Persian Emperor has a polite English accent, while the Spartans are clearly played by American actors. Of course, by the twenty-first century they might be accused of Blacking Up ... unlike the more recent version of this story, the Zack Snyder adaptation of Frank Miller's comic-book 300 (2006) . In real life, none of the people at the battle of Thermopyle spoke English. This is not meant to be a documentary, although it does keep closer to the known facts than the Snyder/Miller version.
This has a much longer running time than the Snyder version. In part that it is because it also covers the events of the second movie. Artemisa and the Athenian admiral who opposed her are both featured, although their navies and the battle of Salamis are not. Instead, each admiral merely converses with the general they are allied to.
Richard Burton (
Cleopatra
) plays the title character.
He is not as young as Colin Farrell in the more recent film (
Alexander (2004)
), but since this is a relic from the sword-and-sandal era
you really cannot really expect historical accuracy or realism.
Colin Farrell (
Daredevil
) plays the title character, in
Oliver Stone
's epic biopic.
The story is in flashback by the aged veteran Ptolemy (Anthony Hopkins -
Silence of the Lambs
). Alexander succeeds his father to the throne, then invades Persia.
The landscapes are spectacular, and certainly feel authentic to Ancient Greece and Persia. Which is all the more confusing, because most of the Greeks (including Alex's dad, Val Kilmer - Willow ) have adopted Oirish accents. Apparently this was a deliberate choice by the director, not to accommodate Farrell's inability to do other accents but to make the Macedonians appear backward compared to urbanised Greeks like Aristotle (Christopher Plummer).
Angelina Jolie does not pretend to be Irish - she uses a dodgy Russian accent instead, like she does in Beowulf . As Alex's scheming bitch of a mother, she puts him off women - until he meets Rosario Dawson , that is. In reality, Jolie is the same age as Farrell - but she delivers a strong performance, which saves the film.
This is a straight remake of the 1981 classic.
Scene by scene, with relatively little variation.
No surprises in the plot, really, for those who have seen the original.
Our hero (Sam Worthington - Terminator: Salvation ) was raised by Pete Postlethwaite (who has a similar mentor role in Solomon Kane ).
There is a power struggle between Zeus (Liam Neeson - Phantom Menace ) and his jealous brother Hades (Ralph Feinnes - Harry Potter ).
The Gods threaten to destroy a city run by underused Polly Walker . Perseus is sent on a quest, aided by soldier Mads Mikelsson ( Casino Royale ) and immortal babe Gemma Arterton .
This is a sequel to the recent remake of the classic
Clash of the Titans (1981)
. The main improvement over either previous film
appears to be that this has high-quality CGI.
The storyline is taken from recent film
Immortals
, but without the dramatic flair or originality.
Ten years have passed since the previous film. Perseus (Sam Worthington - Terminator: Salvation ) has a ten-year-old son, whose mother has conveniently died or disappeared. This leads Perseus free to team up with a new love interest (Princess Andromeda - Bond Girl Rosamund Pike ), a comic relief (the son of Poseidon), and a bunch of expendables. They must find Hephaestus (Bill Nighy - Shaun of the Dead, POTC 2 & 3 ), overcome some CGI beasties (far inferior to scenes in Troll Hunter ) and save the world.
The monstrous Titans, led by Kronos himself, are about to escape and destroy the world. Zeus (Liam Neeson - Aslan in Narnia ) goes to his brother Hades (Ralph Fiennes - Voldemort in Harry Potter ) for help. Since Hades was the villain in the previous film, this is probably not a good idea. The first time these two actors worked together was as opponents in Schindler's List - how the mighty have fallen! In the tradition of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys , Ares (God of War) is an antagonistic character too.
This is a 1950s Technicolour swords-and-sandals epic from Warner Bros.
Paris is the protagonist.
Against the counsel of Robert Brown (M in the
Bond
films) and Cassandra (who must have geniuine clairvoyance, despite the absense of the Gods)
he goes on a peace mission to Sparta.
The Greeks want revenge. Achilles (Stanley Baker - Where's Jack? ) is selected to lead their army.
We get a great 1950s technicolour battle, with hundreds of extras instead of relying on CGI. Excellent!
This is a swords and sandals effort,
featuring a bunch of Italian actors over-dubbed into American English.
In the year 1250 BCE, a year after Jason and the Argonauts set sail in the Mediterranean in search of the Golden Fleece. To mix things up a bit they bring along Orpheus, the Prince of Sparta who featured in a completely different myth.
So what makes the American version better than this one? Was it the English-speaking cast? It certainly was not the locations or stunt crews, because the American version was shot on location with an Italian crew so it is virtually (or even literally) interchangeable in that respect. The big difference is the special effects, which in the American version were stop-motion courtesy of Ray Harryhausen .
This pays lip service to the ancient Greek myths, but it is style over substance, an inferior copy of 300
Zeus has made a law that the Gods do not intervene openly in the affairs of mankind. They cannot heal themselves, and humans can use magical weapons. Villainous King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke - a much better villain than he was in Iron Man 2 ) wants to free the Titans, and start a war with the Gods. To do this he needs a magic bow, so he sends his army to capture the oracle ( Freida Pinto ).
Our hero, Theseus the peasant, teams up with comic relief (Stephen Dorff, who looks like he did in Blade fifteen years ago). They must succeed where well-trained soldiers have failed.
Odysseus (Dylan Vox -
) conquers the city of Troy.
Unfortunately Circe (
Lara Heller
), a combination of the mythical Cassandra and the more recent
Xena: Warrior Princess
, wipes out Achilles and half the Greek army.
Worse, she curses Odysseus never to reach his home.
He takes her along as a hostage,
and she turns out to be very helpful.
As a woman she is immune to the charms of the Sirens,
as a priestess she knows all about the Cyclops,
and she is a greatest warrior than Achilles.
As the years pass, Odysseus' wife is presumed to be a widow. The aristocratic men visit her palace and enjoy a feast, hoping for the chance to marry her and take the throne. This is a bit like the Magna Carta era in England which led to the creation of the House of Lords, an aristocratic council that acted as a check against the unlimited power of the monarch. Of course, in the era of Homer this was deemed a bad thing because they took seriously the Divine Right to Rule.
The Asylum, known for their mockbusters, has adapted this story from the ancient Greek myths. After all, the original story is in the Public Domain so it is open for anyone to use. They put their own spin on it, and although it is named after Odysseus, Circe actually does all of the key actions. The result is a misnamed movie which does not deliver to its audience.
A Victorian adventurer (Ioan Gruffud -
Forever
) and his wife (
Keeley Hawes
) are kidnapped by a super-villain.
Their sons are left in the care of Charity (Michael Sheen -
Underworld
), a fellow adventurer.
The children go to investigate strange goings-on on an island run by a crooked industrialist (Sam Neill - Jurassic Park ) and his villainous housekeeper ( Lena Headey ).
This invokes an awful lot of tropes. There is a dragon (actually a mechanical vehicle, like in Dr No ) that guards a mine being worked by child slaves (like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom ).
On the world of Earthsea,
Gerd the blacksmith's son (Shawn Ashmore -
Smallville
) uses magic to repel Kurganite invaders (thugs dressed like Normans).
A Wizard (Danny Glover -
2012
) takes him as an apprentice,
and sends him to the Unseen Hogwarts University.
Alan Scarfe (
7 Days
) is the UU Arch-chancellor.
Gerd studied and developed his magical skills.
He also falls out with a James Marsters type,
and tries to summon the dead (
Amanda Tapping
).
High Priestess Isabella Rosselini and her top pupil Kristen Kreuk are part of a sisterhood dedicated to keeping demons at bay. They guard the vault to the nether-world. The Kurganites seek world conquest, and do not care about magic or good versus evil.
Part 2. (90 mins)
The Kurganites have captured the Uni. Sebastian Roche ( Odyssey 5 ) gives a very disappointing performance as leader of the Kurganites.
Gerd is on the run, pursued by the Nameless One he unleashed. It wants to possess him, and leave a trail of dead bodies. His only help is from another trainee wizard.and his sister, Katherine Isabelle . He must go on a quest to unite the pieces of the Amulet of Peace. This takes him to the Temple where Kristen Kreuk lives, thus drawing together the plot threads.
The original author, Ursula LeGuin , disowned this primarily because of the casting. Producer Robert Halmi has filmed several pieces in Australia ( Farscape being the best example), where the cast can be selected to have a Polynesian appearance. Unfortunately this work was filmed in Vancouver, so the cast are predominently Caucasian.
This is a modern retelling of the Cinderella story,
narrated by Eric Idle (
Life of Brian, Time Bandits
). The title character, Ella (
Anne Hathaway
) lives with her evil step-mother
Joanna Lumley.
She wants to win the nice-but-dim Prince Charmand (Hugh Dancy -
), who is being manipulated by his eeevil uncle Edgar (Cary Elwes -
Princess Bride
).
Fairy Godmother Vivica A. Fox gives Ella a blessing of obedience, but it turns out to be more of a curse. Ella treks across the Kingdom to find Ms Fox again. Her quest is like a live-action version of Shrek , with occasional breaks in the plot for the characters to perform 20th-century songs.
Minnie Driver pops up as Ella's friend. Her BF (Jimi Mistri - The Guru) is turned into a book, and becomes one of Ella's magical companions.
Released shortly after
Stardust
, this is a Fantasy with a similar feel and setting.
It was adapted from the book by
Philip Pullman
and while comparable with the afore-mentioned Gaiman film it ultimately comes second place.
That said, it has an excellent cast (including the very young female lead,
who has to perform against world-class talent).
A tomboyish young girl lives in Oxford University, in a Steampunk-ish parallel universe ruled by the eeevil Magisterium (Derek Jacobi, Christopher Lee, etc). The magical aspect of the story comes mainly from the fact that everyone's soul resides in a talking animal that accompanies them, referred to as a Daemon. What hurts the human also hurts the Daemon, and vice versa.
The girl's Uncle Asriel (Daniel Craig - Casino Royale ) discovers a clue to the secret of travel between parallel universes, and goes to the north pole to complete his discovery. The girl is taken into the care of Nichole Kidman ...
The girl goes on a quest to the North Pole, to save her uncle and her childhood friends. She picks up some useful allies, including a Witch (Bond girl Eva Green ), a balloon pilot (Sam Elliot) and a talking Polar Bear (Sir Ian McKellen - LOTR, X-Men ). However, she also has to overcome a variety of foes, including the Usurper King of the Bears (Ian McShane - POTC: On Stranger Tides ).
This is a modern-day retelling of
The Sword in the Stone
. It starts with an expositionary cartoon of
the Arthurian backstory narrated by Merlin (Patrick Stewart -
Star Trek: TNG
).
The protagonist is a young boy who finds Excalibur by accident. Before long Merlin turns up, in a strange homage to Terminator (1984) . He looks like exactly what he is - a tweenager pretending to be a younger schoolboy. He can also turn into an owl, or Patrick Stewart as his older self.
Morgana ( Rebecca Ferguson ) is about to take over the world, during the next solar eclipse - in four days time! She has an army of zombies to do her bidding. Not the decomposing ones from the horror genre, more like the lava monsters in Thor: Ragnarok . Luckily they are about the same size as pubescent children, so the school-kids are not seriously over-matched in a sword-fight.
The villainess's army of expendable zombies is not the only thing taken from the Thor movies. Excalibur is a bit like Moljnir, insofar as it is a sentient weapon which chooses its bearer based on their intentions. This is part of the film's theme. Bloodlines are apparently irrelevent, and that part of the myths was apparently added by the rich and powerful so that they could maintain control of society through their aristocratic heritage. The alternative, however, is far worse. This film posits a world where nobody is born with potential, and nobody has a heritage in their past or a destiny in their future. Instead we have a system that was mocked in Monty Python and the Holy Grail - a watery bint handing out swords. And although the Lady in the Lake is present in all bodies of water, the protagonist fills a bathtub with water before he can summon her. Surely she could appear in the toilet bowl ...
The monsters may be CGI, but the effects are actually quite good. Perhaps the lack of big-name stars, beyond Ferguson and Stewart, meant there was enough money in the budget for a lot of good CGI. The stand-out scene is when the children spar against some moving trees.
Mr Snickett (Jude Law -
A.I.
) narrates a tale about three child-geniuses
who are raised rich, but orphaned in a mysterious house-fire.
The family's banker (Timothy Spall -
Red Dwarf
) takes the orphans to live with their Uncle Olaf (Jim Carey -
The Grinch, Number 23
).
The orphans are passed from guardian to guardian, including the likes of Billy Connolly ( ). However, eeevil Olaf pursues them in a number of disguises. He is after the kids' inheritance.
There is a subplot. The kids' parents were in a secret society, investigating mysterious arson cases.
This is a sequel to the excellent TV miniseries,
Merlin
. The Magician (Sam Neill -
Jurassic Park
) rises from a deep sleep,
and discovers it is decades since the days of King Arthur.
As a result, the original cast have all been replaced by newer, cheaper actors.
Queen Mab ( Miranda Richardson ) is now referred to as The Lady of the Lake, a dumbing-down of the original concept.
The stereotypical characters are present:
In the second two-hour segment of the mini-series, it is up to the Apprentice and his fellow tweenagers to save the folks.
The land is taken over by a Nasty.
Tony Robinson (Blackadder) pops up as a Gnome.
Sebastian faces off with a school bully (Jack Black - Pick of Destiny ) in LA.
There are few sets, and the whole thing looks very cheap.
This is a live-action, big-budget effort with big-name stars ...
aimed at an audience of children.
Sort of like
A Wrinkle in Time
, but made for an English audience rather than an African-American one.
Clara ( Mackenzie Foy ) lives in Victorian London with her family. Her father (Matthew Macfadyen - Robin Hood (2009) ) is a single parent, who has his hands full with three children. Luckily they are quite wealthy, so he takes them to an aristocratic Xmas party. The toymaker (Morgan Freeman - Oblivion ) takes a break from making Faberge eggs, and gives everyone a special Xmas present. Clara's is more special than most.
Clara follows a thieving mouse, instead of a rabbit with a pocket-watch, and ends up in a strange sort of wonderland. She meets a guardsman, who turns out to be the nutcracker of the title. Luckily Sugar-Plum ( Keira Knightley ) is around to provide some exposition.
Clara must retrieve the plot device from Mother Ginger ( Helen Mirren ), the nearest thing this story has to a Wicked Witch. Due to the complicated nature of Four Realm politics, Ginger was exiled by the good guys and has taken control of the Mouse King's army.
The movie appears to have a bad case of type-casting, but as the story progresses the actresses get an opportunity to impress the audience. Mirren does a great job in the action scenes, while Knightley gets to stretch herself beyond the vapid nice-girl role.
This is based on the novel by
Rick Riordan
and directed by Hollywood director-for-hire
Chris Columbus
, best known for the first two
Harry Potter
films. Yes, the studio obviously wanted to kick-start a new franchise.
Someone steals the lightning bolt of Zeus (Sean Bean - Game of Thrones ), who in turn blames Neptune (Kevin McKidd - Rome ). Percy (short for Perseus) is Neptune's illegitimate and unknowing son, who lives in NYC with his mom ( Catherine Keener ) and her slobbish BF (Joe Pantoliano - The Matrix ).
Pierce Brosnan ( The World Is Not Enough ), unconvincingly disguised as a greybeard in a wheelchair, sends Percy to the Demi-Gods's training camp so he can master his gifts. He gets a love interest ( Alexandra Daddario ), a daughter of Athena. But since all Gods are related, thus all Demi-Gods are too ... So he is upholding the ancient Greek tradition of incest.
The teenagers train with metal blades and no tuition - But at least they can heal minor wounds.
The trio (Percy, the babe and the token black guy) go on a quest to find three magic pearls to get into the Underworld. They encounter Medusa ( Uma Thurman , who was Aphrodite in Baron Munchausen ). Hades (Steve Coogan - Night At The Museum ) is cast in the villain's role, equating Tartarus with hell. Persephone ( Rosario Dawson ) is a nympho, although the token Satyr is toned down to PG level to make this a kiddie-friendly film.
The studio threw money at this - there is lots of CGI and big-name stars - in the hope it would be the new Harry Potter . But they forgot that Harry Potter was a world-famous International publishing phenomenon before it was a movie. And it had something of a moral centre, while this has none. The post-credits sequence shows the protagonist using his superpowers for personal gain (well, to even a childish score with lethal consequences).
The half-bloods (children of matings between humans and the Gods of Olympus)
now live at the summer-camp run by Anthony Stewart Head (
Buffy
) and Stanley Tucci (
The Core
). Unfortunately, the camp's protective barrier is damaged.
To repair it, someone must go on a quest to retrieve the Golden Fleece.
The boss sends Clarice, who is the Top Hero (or heroine)
because she lacks Percy's exaggerated sense of fair play.
Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman - Noah ) and Annabeth ( Alexandra Daddario ) head off on an unauthorised quest together, along with the Token Black Guy and Percy's clumsy one-eyed brother Tyson. They encounter a few celebrity cameos, such as Yvette Nicole Brown (Community) and Missi Pyle . They get some magical gadgets from Hermes (Nathan Fillion - Firefly ), who can make time for them but not for his own son. They also encounter some monsters that are actually quite impressive, considering they are CGI.
There are some villains who want to use the fleece to revive their ancestor Kronos (Robert Knepper - Stargate: Universe: Season 2 ), King of the Titans, so he can destroy Olympus. This is the ultimate form of teenage rebellion, and the Olympian Gods are a bunch of deadbeat parents who can make time for infinite vengeance but abandon their children on a world plagued by horrible monsters.
A teenage boy discovers that he is The Seeker, avatar of The Light.
He must save the world from The Rider (Christopher Eccleston -
Dr Who 2005, Heroes
), avatar of The Darkness.
Ian McShane (Deadwood) and James Cosmo (
Braveheart
) are the Mentors who help our hero.
This is much darker than the early Harry Potter films. And though it cannot have had a huge budget, the production values seem very impressive!
This is a darkish fantasy adapted from a kids' book.
Mary-Louise Parker
takes her son (Freddie Highmore -
Bates Motel
) and daughter (
Sarah Bolger
) to live in a remote country house.
At the bottom of the garden are goblins, led by shapeshifter Nick Nolte (in his
Hulk
villain mode).
The kids go looking for David Strathairn ( Alphas ), who got time-warped away by the good fairies.
This was made by Walt Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer,
so you know what to expect.
It begins with a ponderous narration by Ian McShane (
Golden Compass
). In Arthurian times, Merlin was betrayed by Morgana (
Celia Imrie
) and Horvath (Alfred Molini -
Ladyhawke
). He was saved by
Monica Bellucci
and Balthazar (Nicholas Cage -
Face Off
). The two women get magically imprisoned,
and Balthazar spends the next thosand years as an immortal guardian.
Eventually Balthazar finds Merlin's sucessor in - where else - modern-day New York City. Unfortunately for him, it is a skinny nerdy kid from a few Judd Apatow films. As the title of the film suggests, there is a compulsory homage to the classic Mickey Mouse cartoon. However, our nerdy hero is genre-blind insofar as he has obviously never seen the cartoon!
Horvath wants to rescue Morgana so they can destroy the world together. He gets a Johnny Rotten-looking sidekick to help him.
Somewhere in the heart of Victorian England lies a magical Kingdom,
concealed behind an ancient wall.
A young Englishman, Tristan, vows to the girl he loves (
Sienna Miller
) that he will retrieve a fallen star which landed beyond the wall.
However, in the Kingdom he discovers that the star is
Claire Danes
!
The bickering pair must travel a hundred miles across the Kingdom, pursued by the wicked witch ( Michelle Pfeiffer ) and an equally villainous Prince. En route they encounter a disturbing number of British comedy actors, including a Fence (Ricky Gervase - Invention of Lying ) and a goat (Mark Williams - Red Dwarf ). They are even captured by Sky-Pirates Robert De Niro ( Hide and Seek, Godsend ) and Dexter Fletcher ( Robin Hood (2006) ).
This is taken from a comic by Neil Gaiman , and is actually very good. The nearest comparison would be Princess Bride - a sort of light-hearted Fantasy swashbuckler. It goes for comedy rather than gore - there are several brutal killings, but it is well-edited to show little or no blood! All in all, well worth watching.
A teenage boy named Darren Shan goes to the circus and meets a Vampire (John C. Reilly -
Gangs of New York
). Darren manages to get himself recruited as apprentice,
making this a Goth version of
The Sorceror's Apprentice
.
There is a violent sub-species of vamp known as the Vampanese, led by Ray Stevenson ( Rome ). They want to start a war and wipe out the vamps.
Valiant (Stephen Moyer -
