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Rory Pond - oops, Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ) is a renegade Time Lord - oops, Time MASTER! He steals a time-ship (with a built-in holographic camouflage projector) and goes to recruit a team of super-hero wannabes so he can change the timeline and stop Vandal Savage (Casper Crump) before he destroys the human race.
Hunter takes them to the 1970s to find an expert. He leaves the mechanic alone with White Canary, Captain Cold and Heatwave. The killer and the thieves go off to the nearest bar, but they draw the line at endorsing underage drinking.
A cyberman - oops, an armour-clad temporal bounty hunter - is after them. Luckily the Time Master is allowed to carry a gun.
The goodies are idealistic and the tough guys are gullible. They get upset when they realise that Hunter has exaggerated his own importance. Will they continue as a team and allow this show to run for many more episodes? Well, they only agreed to save the Human Race for their own selfish reasons. Seriously, not one of them is actually an innocent. They have no right to be angry, and no reason to leave since their own selfish motives are still valid.
The anti-heroes go to a black market weapons auction in Norway in the 1970s. They run into a rival bidder who is presumably the father of Damian Dork (Neal McDonough Captain America: The First Avenger ).
Dr. Ray The Atom Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ) accidentally loses some technology, which could put the entire timestream at risk. Professor Martin Stein (Victor Garber - Alias ) has to borrow a tech-detector from his younger self, and takes Sara White Canary Lance ( Caity Lotz ) along as a distraction.
The team are still in the 1970s. Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ) takes Sara White Canary Lance ( Caity Lotz ) to hit Savage where he is weakest - his bank account. They go to meet his bank manager (Cameron Bancroft - Codename Eternity ). The good news is, this is like an episode of Alias so it will probably be an ongoing thing. The bad news is, Savage has a cult of fanatical followers who he can share a limited amount of immortality with.
Leonard Captain Cold Snart (Wentworth Miller - Dinotopia ) and Mick Heat Wave Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ) take a side-trip to Central City. The plan is to steal a vital gem so Snart's father will not be arrested for the heist. If Daddy Snart avoids prison time, Snart Junior will have a less brutal childhood.
Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ) splits his team in half. He takes the two crooks with him as muscle, and Sara White Canary Lance ( Caity Lotz ) violently insists on tagging along. Hunter points out that it is unwise for her to visit her home city in the future, especially such a dark future.
Star City, thirty years in the future, is a post-Apocalyptic mess. The Green Arrow is still around, but he is a young African-American man - like a young John Diggle. Olly Queen is now a one-armed old man with a big white beard - as portrayed in Frank Miller's 1980s Graphic Novel The Dark Knight Returns. The city was conquered by the new Deathstroke - AKA the son of Slade Wilson. Basically this show is Arrow : The Next Generation.
Leonard Captain Cold Snart (Wentworth Miller - Dinotopia ) and Mick Heat Wave Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ) get separated from the others. Mick makes himself King of the local Mad Max biker gang. Snart wants to save the rest of the team, but Mick prefers to stay put. This is the beginning of Mick being a selfish git who will sacrifice everyone else for his own pleasure.
Back on the time-ship, Atom has started to flirt with Hawk-girl. Professor Stein (Victor Garber - Alias ) gets stressed out because of the psychic bond with the mechanic, who wants Hawk-girl for himself. The bonded pair decide to work together as a team for once.
The ship detects a distress signal from another Time Master's ship. Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ) insists on investigating. It is obviously a trap, but since they have lost track of Savage they need to get an update from the other Time Ship's databanks.
Rip Hunter takes the mechanic and Mick Heat Wave Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ) to investigate. They run into Time Bandits led by Captain John Valour (Callum Keith Rennie - Battlestar Galactica 2003 ). Luckily, Professor Stein (Victor Garber - Alias ) stayed in the space shuttle. Will he go all Jack Bristow and save everyone? Or will Mick get sick and tired of Hunter insulting him?
Back on the ship, Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ) has been left in charge. He enjoys his Captain Kirk fantasy, but Hawk-girl compares him to Picard. Of course, she is just flirting with him.
Leonard Captain Cold Snart (Wentworth Miller - Dinotopia ) and Sara White Canary Lance ( Caity Lotz ) start to hang out together. Is this the beginning of Snara AKA Captain Canary shipping? Well, they miss the opportunity to share body heat.
Ray has to use his ATOM suit as a makeshift spacesuit. Yes, he can use it for everything else so why not? But it does seem strange that the ship has no capability for EVA repairs to the hull.
In the flashbacks, we discover that Rip Hunter's wife was once a Time Master. In fact, she was arguably a better one than he was - which makes her sacrifice as a woman in a refigerator even more tragic. Rip was having an illicit relationship with her, in direct breach of the Time Masters' code of celibacy. She gave up her own career in order to save Rip's career. Still, it helps explain why he is willing to change history itself in order to save her. A pity he has made her death a self-fulfilling prophecy, since he is the one who inadvertently gave her photo to Savage.
Thanks to info gained in the previous episode, the team track the villain to small-town USA in the year 1956.
The villain is turning humans into hawk-like monsters. Naturally, one of the team gets infected and the others must cure him.
Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ), Hawk-girl and Sarah get stuck in the 1950s. They have to move town, because Savage knows about them. Luckily, they find a University town and Ray gets a job as a lecturer. Sarah goes walkabout, but Ray and Hawk-girl stay put and play the role of a married couple for a couple of years.
Chronos boards the Tardis and abducts Snart. We learn why the Bounty Hunter always wears a mask.
The team are reunited, but they have to go looking for Sarah at Nanda Parbat. Luckily there is only one sentry on duty, and despite being a member of the League of Assassins he is so feeble that an untrained car mechanic takes him out with a single punch! The bad news is, the place is run by Ra's al Ghul (Matt Nable - Riddick ), who is very well-preserved. Sarah needs the League of Assassins to help her repress her urge to kill. They could have had her slake her blood-lust a few episodes ago by killing the traitor.
The team go to the future, two decades before Vandal Savage takes over the world. They uncover his plan, to indoctrinate a teenage boy as his protege. Rip's plan is to kidnap the boy and thus prevent the war. This is illogical, because Savage is Immortal and can easily wait decades until a new protege is trained up.
Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ) meets a descendent of his family - Jewel Staite . His family still make high-tech equipment like flying androids, but it has been weaponised for local law enforcement. He compares himself to Werner Von Braun, whom the Professor characterises as An SS officer who built V2 rockets with slave labour and bombed London. This may be technically true, but ignores his massive contributions to the US Space programme. Without him, JFK's promise to land a man on the moon (and return him safely to the Earth) by the end of the 1960s would never have been accomplished.
The team go back to the Wild West. They meet up with an old friend of Rip Hunter's - Jonah Hex ! Unfortunately they have to risk the timeline by defending the local town from raiders. Not Native Americans, that is - just some politically correct Scotch-Irish villains.
Professor Stein helps a friendly barmaid ( Anna Galvin ). Her son is ill with tuberculosis, which he can easily cure with anachronistic 1950s drugs. In theory he could have got something a bit more period-accurate, but he does not bother. And the child turns out to be destined to become a famous person, which begs a lot of questions. Was the Professor's intervention a pre-ordained part of the timeline? And why on Earth was an English boy hanging out in the Wild West?
Hawk-Girl sees a familiar face, and decides to track down that era's Carter. Why this never occurred to her before is not explained. However, she meets an older version of herself and gets a lecture on how it is pointless to try to dodget fate.
The Time-Lords have sent their ultimate assassin after the Magnificent Eight. Her plan is to kill them all during their childhoods, thus removing them from the timeline. Their response is to abduct their infant selves.
Previously, Sarah had been bonding a lot with Snart. Now, for no apparent reason, she is paired off with Mick. Ironically, their teenage selves get locked in the cargo hold together. Adult Sarah tells Teen Mick you are not her type, which ignores Sarah's heterosexual infactuation with Oliver Queen.
Since the heroes had absolutely no luck fighting Savage in the past, they decide to do so in the future. Just a couple of days before Rip's family gets killed, to be precise. So they allow virtually the entire world to be wiped out or enslaved, but as long as Rip's wife and son are okay then the mission is accomplished.
Stage one is to infiltrate the enemy lair. His top bodyguard is his daughter ( Jessica Sipos ), who can fight Sarah Lance to a standstill. The heroes try to steal her bracelet, one of the few items that can actually kill Savage, but end up having to adbuct the girl as well. Snart tries to talk her round to his way of seeing things. After all, they both had terrible fathers. Also, he was the one who successfully (if accidentally) seduced the Russian woman. And finally, Sarah Lance is not spending so much time with him lately so perhaps Captain Canary Fan-Shipping is to become a thing of the past.
Stage two is to save local refugees from Savage's super-weapon. The Professor decides to bring the defenceless civilians to safety, but then gets wounded - thus neutralising the most powerful superhuman on the team. Then Savage's superweapon attacks. It is called Leviathan, so it is obviously a massive monster. Can ATOM duplicate the feat of Ant Man in the recently released Captain America: Civil War in order to fight it?
Finally, Hawk-girl confronts Savage. She has spent thousands of years NOT killing him - can she get it right for a change?
The team have a couple of prisoners - Savage and his sidekick. However, Savage is masterful at playing mind-games. After all, he has almost four thousand years of life experience while his captors are a rag-tag bunch of idiots.
Rather than just kill Savage, Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ) wants to hand him over to the Time Masters. This is a bad idea in more ways than one.
The head of the Time Masters monologues Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ). At least this explains why the time-travelling super-heroes have been so inept over the whole Season. Not only were their moves being predicted, they were in fact being manipulated. It turns out that Savage will be the saviour of humanity, not its destroyer. However, Rip is willing to sacrifice EVERYONE to have a few more years with his family. Not just everyone in his team, but everyone in the entire human species!
The Time Masters are now set up as villains. However, they are just not very good at it. They make several mistakes, such as letting Snart and Canary get away. Will the brainwashing work on Mick Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ) a second time round?
Meanwhile, Savage takes his hostages in a time-ship. His destination is 2166, because he has decided to get straight to Rip's family. This makes no sense, because the killer should have been the Savage of that time period.
The climax of the episode involves a heroic self-sacrifice, just like in Doctor Who (2005) .
Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ) quits and leaves the surviving team-members back in 2016. They are deposited a few months after they departed, so that Sarah Lance ( Caity Lotz ) will not interfere in the storyline of Arrow: Season 4 . However, they know the job has not finished.
Savage takes Hawk-girl back to 1944. She makes a run for it, and by unbelievable coincidence she finds the EXACT SAME helmet that Rip will keep in his trophy cabinet. Hopefully this will help drag Rip and the survivors back into the plot.
Savage attacks a German convoy. Not only does he have his own stormtroopers, he also has a superpower - throwing knives. Rip and the team turn up to stop Savage from robbing the convoy. They do not bother to team up with the poor Germans, even though they would team up with the American Army in the same circumstances.
Savage's plan is to use one of the magic rocks in three different time periods. This will create a paradox that will reset time to when he became Immortal. This means he will have the ultimate do-over. However, all this means is that the heroes have to split into three groups.
What have we learned from this show? Rip Hunter will sacrifice everything and everyone for his wife and child, even condemning the future human race to extinction at the hands of aliens. Even his own people, the Time Masters, are doomed to extinction at his hands. However, he will not go back in time to help Olly Queen win in Arrow: Season 4 - even though Damien Dork (Neal McDonough Captain America: The First Avenger ) is defenceless once you know the secret of how to defeat him. And to think, the most interesting character in the show has already been killed off. Can the next Season be any worse?
A self-proclaimed Time Detective (AKA a conspiracy theorist) pays an uninvited visit to Olly Queen, the new Mayor of Star City. They take a mini-sub to the bottom of the Atlantic and discover the Time-Rider starship. One of the crew has been kept in stasis, and narrates a flashback that explains the set-up for the rest of the Season.
The remaining crew (Hunter, Fire-storm, Atom, Canary and the arsonist) decided to take over as Time Vigilantes now the Time-lords are gone. Strangely, even though this show actually has a crossover with The Flash they do not bother to fix Barry Allen's massive alterations to the space-time continuum. Anyway, someone warned the Legends not to visit NYC in 1942 - but then they detected a nuke there so they decided to visit anyway.
Sarah Lance ( Caity Lotz ) decides to hunt down Damien Dork (Neal McDonough Captain America: The First Avenger ), who is also in New York City in 1942. He is a lot older than he looks, since he was previously seen auctioning a nuke in Scandinavia in the 1970s. Apparently he used the Lazarus pit to keep himself alive for many decades. Even more strangely, nobody considers that a super-villain being in NYC at the exact same moment as time-travellers set off a nuke would not be coincidence.
Dork is working for Nazi spies. He supplies uranium, but they need a physicist in order to make an atomic bomb. Enrico Fermi and Robert Oppenheimer, the real-life fathers of America's Manhattan Project, are too obscure as historical figures for our comic-book heroes to meet them. Instead they decide that the only one famous enough for the Nazis to kidnap is ... non other than Albert Einstein himself!
There is a lot of contrived girl-power this week. For example, Sarah Lance seems to spend most of her time converting historical women to lesbianism. Also, history has been altered to make Einstein's wife the brains of the operation. Yes, this show's contribution to female supremacism is to invent lesbians and female geniuses where none previously existed. Has nobody learned the lesson that changing history, even when you think it is for the better, is a bad idea? Maybe the writers should obey the moral of their own story.
The Legends get bushwhacked and locked up by their 1942 equivalents - the JSA. Where the JSA was when Einstein was targeted for kidnapping by Nazi spies on American soil is not explained. However, the JSA does have one advantage - strong leadership. The Legends are a squabbling mess ruined by in-fighting. Their leadership falls to Professor Stein (Victor Garber - Alias ), as the oldest and wisest of the group. However, it is obviously Sarah Lance ( Caity Lotz ) who really holds the team together.
The JSA goes on a mission to Paris, France, to stop the Nazis from getting a super-soldier formula. Unfortunately all the time-travel has altered the past, so the Legends have to go back again and save them. The plan involves them going undercover as Nazi party delegates at the Folie Bergere nightclub. Yes, even the token black guy has to pose as a Nazi sympathiser. Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ) does not know about the half-Hitler salute, but it seems like the local SS General does not know about it either.
Vixen blames the Legends for the super-villains revenge in the previous episode. She stows away aboard the ship, but rather than become an antagonist herself she is just the replacement for Hawk-girl.
The haemophiliac has nothing more to worry about, now that the super-soldier serum is in his system. However, when he and Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ) test it out they get sucked out of the time machine and end up in Japan, circa 1641.
The haemophiliac lands safely, and is rescued by a beautiful young maiden. He takes his pill, and the universal translator kicks in. Well, it does not translate certain words - Gaijin, Sensei, Shogun ... The bad news is, tomorrow morning she will have to marry the Shogun. Normally this would be a good thing, because she would become rich and powerful and would not have to do farm-work such as sponge-bathing a white-skinned barbarian. Unfortunately the local Shogun is a notorious wife-killer.
Ray gets captured by the Shogun's men, and they confiscate his armour. The idea of Twenty-First Century weaponry in the hands of a medieval warlord is not a happy one. Ray has to come to terms with the fact that the only way to defeat the Shogun is to destroy the armour.
Mick Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ) is obsessed with Ninjas. Vixen does not believe in them, but Sarah Lance ( Caity Lotz ) knows about the League of Assassins - which was no doubt influenced by the Japanese Shinobi warriors.
A time-pirate crash-lands in Dixie-land during the US Civil War. Jax questions as to why the Legends should bother saving him. Sarah Lance ( Caity Lotz ) points out that he might inadvertently change history. Worse than that, it turns out that he has brought a zombie virus with him. By the time the Legends get there, the place is crawling with Confederate zombies!
In order to keep the time-stream intact, Jax must go on a secret spy mission for General Grant, namely to steal the Confederate plans for the defence of Vicksburg. Professor Stein (Victor Garber - Alias ) tries to talk him out of it. It would make sense if the two of them went together. After all, when they combine they are the most powerful superhero of the entire team. However, as always the show seeks to increase jeopardy by separating them. However, Jax does not have to go alone. No, his bodyguard is Vixen - who may be a good fighter but she is a woman of colour in an old-fashioned, racist era.
Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ) is at a loose end since his ATOM suit (a cross between the Iron Man and Ant Man suits) was lost in the previous episode. He has not even bothered to start building a replacement. After all, they have a time machine! There are probably enough spare parts lying around for him to make something, or at the very least they could go back to 2016 (or whenever it is convenient to get the parts cheaply) and then buy them. Ray probably has the design specifics memorised, or at least stored somewhere he can easily access. However, he distracts himself by making everyone a packed lunch instead. Professor Stein stays with him and Mick Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ) to guard the ship from zombies. Unfortunately Mick is infected, and the others have to deal with him.
Sarah and the historian go looking to help General Grant. Yes, just like in previous episodes the idea of helping protect historical continuity relies on them taking sides in a violent confrontation and fighting against the politically incorrect side. Everyone wants to help Grant win, but nobody remembers the debt that history owes to Southerners. For example, George Patton's grandfather was a Confederate soldier - and if he were one of the men wiped out by the Legends then this would have a measurable effect on history.
The evil speedster arrives in the 1980s and makes a new deal with Damien Dork (Neal McDonough Captain America: The First Avenger ), who was last seen in New York City in 1942. Dork gets involved in the Reagan Administration, and helps organise an international peace treaty. The Russian delegation visits the White House to sign the treaty. Our heroes must infiltrate, and discover Dork's eevil plan.
Sarah Lance ( Caity Lotz ) decides to hunt down her enemy. Rather than try to murder Dork, thus altering the timeline, White Canary just messes with his mind and confirms the Evil Speedster's spoilers.
Young Martin Stein was also involved in the peace talks. The older Martin Stein (Victor Garber - Alias ) must ensure his younger self does not change his personal timeline.
The team detect a temporal anomaly in the wild west. Another Time Pirate has run into trouble, just a decade after the previous one turned the Confederate Army into zombies. This one has inadvertently given dwarf-star ore, the most powerful (and apparently non-radioactive) substance known to Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ), to an outlaw named Turnbull (Jeff Fahy - Lost ). Luckily, Turnbull's arch-enemy is Jonah Hex ...
Mick Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ) is at a loose end again. He actually gets along quite well with the villain of the week, which humanises poor old Turnbull.
The team face off against alien invaders. Yes, this is the fourth and final part of the crossover.
Supergirl points out that she is the team's greatest weapon, but Olly still insists she sits on the sideline. Stein (Victor Garber - Alias ) and Jax should be the most powerful player, but as usual they are seperated. Stein is sent off to build a new weapon to fight the aliens with. He needs a nano-technology expert, and Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ) is conveniently off doing something else. As a result, Caitlin ( Kay Panabaker ) gets Stein to team up with his daughter. She is in her twenties and has a PhD in nano-tech, but Stein has no memory of her. As a result it is quite stressful for both parties.
The time-machine comes in useful. The crew go back to 1951, when the aliens previously attacked Oregon. They discover that the aliens' agenda is merely a pre-emptive attack because they wish to prevent Earth's meta-humans from conquering the galaxy. In all fairness to them, with the number of super-villains that The Flash has faced it is small wonder that the aliens are concerned.
It seems that the heroes should be able to talk their way out of the situation. After all, the Men in Black were able to make a treaty with the aliens that lasted for six decades. However, this is an action show so the climax must be a big battle.
The evil speedster and Damien Dork (Neal McDonough Captain America: The First Avenger ) go back to 1927, where they make an alliance with Al Capone. They have another partner - Malcolm Merlyn (John Barrowman - Torchwood ). Their plan is to lure the Legends into a trap.
On the Wave Rider there is a lot of sibling rivalry between ATOM and metal boy. They try to help Elliot Ness, who has just arrived in town. However, they are both well-intentioned idiots. The real expert in crime is Mick Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ), who manages to take on Capone at his own game.
Malcolm offers Sarah Lance ( Caity Lotz ) a deal. He wants to go back in time and undo the sinking of his the Queen family yacht. Unfortunately Sarah has already lived through a version of that alternate universe, thanks to the Dominator aliens who put her in Virtual Reality a week ago. Ironically, Merlyn may be on the bad guys team but only because he wants to redeem himself and do the right thing.
Martin Stein (Victor Garber - Alias ) has done some timeline-changing of his own. Will he confess to Sarah that he accidentally created a daughter for himself?
The heroes finally work out what the mcguffins were that the evil speedster wanted. They fit together to make a medallion. The historian guesses that it was worn by Longinus, and will guide its user to the Spear of Destiny.
Damien Dork (Neal McDonough Captain America: The First Avenger ) and Malcolm Merlyn (John Barrowman - Torchwood ) are after the Spear. They were both members of the League of Assassins, but now they are in what the historian has nicknamed the Legion of Doom. They use the medallion to follow the Spear to Los Angeles, 1967.
The Legends follow the trail of bodies the villains leave behind. They discover what happened to Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ). The bad news is, he has completely lost his memory of who he was. The good news is, he remembered enough to write a sci-fi screenplay.
Rip's prop-master at Film School is a beardy fellow named Lucas ... George Lucas. Unfortunately the shock of being caught in a battle between the Legends and Legion is so severe that George decides to quit film-making and become an insurance salesman. He turns out to be a very good salesman, and even wins awards for it. However, without his films as inspiration an entire generation of scientists and historians is lost. The effects are felt almost immediately, as Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ) and the Historian lose their skills and abilities.
Meanwhile, Martin Stein (Victor Garber - Alias ) helps Mick Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ), who has been seeing visions of his deceased friend Snart. If they can get Rip back, will Snart be coming back too?
Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ) is in the hands of the villains. Damien Dork (Neal McDonough Captain America: The First Avenger ) and Malcolm Merlyn (John Barrowman - Torchwood ) try torture, but to no avail. He has a new personality that overwrote everything he used to know.
The so-called villains have a lot of frustration to overcome. They have strong personalities, and partnership between such people is not easy. Naturally, they start to fight among themselves. However, they learn a valuable lesson. If they team up and work together as the best of friends, they can overcome any problem. Friends together, friends forever!
In all fairness to the so-called villains, all they want is to make the world a better place. They have all suffered as a result of their own evil plans, and have accepted karmic justice.
Meanwhile, Martin Stein (Victor Garber - Alias ) invites his daughter aboard the time-ship to help out. Unfortunately Mick Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ) is a loud-mouthed idiot. This is not a surprise to the audience, but surely someone in the crew could have seen the disaster coming.
The villainous plot this week involves going back to the American Rebellion of 1776. Rival time-travel show Timeless had a similar storyline this week, and soon-to-return show Sleepy Hollow has a different flashback to rebellion times every week. It seems that George Washington and Thomas Jefferson are perceived as heroes. However, it is strange that time-travellers never go back to help Jefferson Davis. After all, he was a slave-owner from Virginia who declared himself President of his own country.
Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ) has decided to help the British Army by giving them M-16 rifles. This means that they will end the rebellion, save the Loyalist population from being ethnically cleansed into Canada, end slavery a few decades before Lincoln did and bring taxpayer-funded healthcare to the whole of North America. Wow, it is a pity nobody did this earlier.
George Washington is arrested. The historian and the woman of colour go to rescue him. The good news is, they get to offend the Virginians by flaunting their mixed-race marriage status. The bad news is, the historian's metallic skin is still vulnerable to hypothermia. The good news is, he has his woman there to share body-heat with him.
Since the rescue party is delayed, Mick Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ) ends up babysitting George Washington. Will Washington's nobility and chivalry rub off on our favourite crook? Or will Mick's backstabbing, low-down nasty side prove to be a bad influence on the slaver-in-chief?
The episode's title is a reference to a comic-book from the 1980s. Not part of the DC universe, ironically enough. It is a graphic novel which features a sexy sword-wielding lesbian. Just the kind of thing this show loves.
We discover what happened to the JSA after World War Two. Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ) recruited them as guardians of the fragments of the spear of destiny, and scattered them across the timeline. One of them is in the year 3000AD, while another is in 507AD.
When the Legends get to 507AD they discover the legendary kingdom of Camelot. It is not historically realistic, as the team's historian points out. Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ) is more than happy with the fairy-tale version, where Guinevere is a sword-wielding warrior-woman ( Elyse Levesque ). She has a lot in common with Sarah Lance ( Caity Lotz ) ...
Camelot is threatened by the Black Knight - AKA Damien Dork (Neal McDonough Captain America: The First Avenger ). He is not alone - Rip Hunter is with him. Hunter uses technology from 3000AD to remotely control human victims, and soon has an army of brainwashed cannon-fodder.
Sarah realises that if the team gets the spear fragment and leaves camelot immediately, there will be no reason for the Legion of Doom to attack it. Mick Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ) leads a mutiny against this non-violent solution. The others agree with him - start a battle between Guinevere's peasants and Rip's brainwashed slaves. This is not unlike Arnold Judas Rimmer's apocalyptic strategy to win the Droid-world war in Red Dwarf .
Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ) makes a breakout attempt. He has the ship's AI, Gideon, reset to its earliest time destination. This is the prehistoric era where he previously abandoned Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ). The good news is, Ray already knows his way around. The bad news is, the local T-Rex still wants to eat him.
Sarah and Jax go for a walk in Rip's subconscious. Unfortunately they run into evil versions of themselves. Predictably if you die in a dream, you die in reality.
Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ) had left one of the JSA team in the USA in the 1960s. He joined NASA, and was at mission control during the Apollo 13 launch. Now the Legends arrive in order to get his part of the spear back.
Ironically, this show (and the whole Arrowverse) may share the Gay Agenda of Doctor Who , but it lacks the Black Agenda of Timeless . The rival show already did a NASA episode, but at least they mentioned the woman from Hidden figures . The Arrowverse show's depiction of NASA is stale, male and pale.
The spear's shaft was used as the flagpole of the Apollo 11 moon landing. This idea was used in the British comic 2000AD, which is a further indicator that one of the storytellers is familiar with British comics.
Thawne gets on the Apollo 13 mission, and hijacks it so he can steal the shaft. Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ) goes after him, but they end up trapped. Can they work together?
The Legends have united the pieces of the spear. However, now it starts to psychically mess with their heads. Luckily, like the ring in Lord of the Rings it has a secret message that is only revealed when it is exposed to flame. Unfortunately, not only is the archaeologist the only one with a grasp of Latin he is also the only one with a grasp of logic.
The team need to find the blood of Christ. There is a theory that Gawain found it instead of the Holy Grail, although the original story was that the blood was IN the chalice. Will the team go back to Legends of Tomorrow [Season 2, Episode 12] Camelot/3000? Well, instead they go to find Gawain's grave in northern France. Their chosen guide is an Arthurian scholar, JRR Tolkien. Unfortunately their timing is bad, because they choose to do it in the middle of the battle of the Somme in July 1916.
Mick Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ) is still seeing visions of his dead partner, Captain Cold (Wentworth Miller - Dinotopia ). Animal Girl also wants to change her own fate, to spare her descendants their suffering. Will temptation get too much? After all, Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ) wanted to change the timeline to save his family. Worse, he actually succeeded.
The so-called Legion of Doom has taken over reality, and things are actually a lot better. Thawne has created a lot of environmentally friendly technologies, which means he contributed a lot more to society than Barry Allen ever did.
The heroic Legion have spared the Legends' lives. Sarah and Vixen are now the sidekicks of Damien Dork, rather than just a couple more of his victims. Likewise, Malcolm Merlyn has managed to live happily ever after. Thawne has three of the thugs working in his lab. Jax is an unqualified manager, Stein is an over-worked lab tech, and Ray is an over-qualified janitor. If the positions were reversed, the Legends would merely murder their opponents. So who are the real bad guys?
The so-called heroes want to put history back the way it used to be. Not all of it, of course. Certain aberrations, like Stein's daughter, will be allowed to stay.
The Legends get back to their time-machine. They decide to break the cardinal rule, and go back to the Somme. Mick Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ) disagrees, and suggests they take a time-out in Aruba. After all, they have a tyime machine so there is no rush. They could take their time, relax and recuperate, re-arm and train themselves, and actually formulate a plan. No, they just rush straight into battle without much thought at all.
The Legends do not want to encounter their original selves, or there will be a Timecop type incident or something. However, they do not realise how difficult it will be to outsmart themselves. Worse, it never occurs to them that their TARDIS can travel in space as well as time, so they can easily make their getaway from the so-called Legion of Doom. The good news is, they can team up and vastly outnumber their quartet of enemies.
The so-called Legion of Doom is a scary name compared to the Legion of guys with bad karma who want to undo their mistakes. In contrast, the title character of My Name Is Earl never had a bunch of idiots try to ruin his chance at redemption. Anyhow, Merlyn and Damien Dork (Neal McDonough Captain America: The First Avenger ) certainly acquit themselves well in a fight. It turns out that Firestorm, despite being the most over-powered member of the Legends, is incredibly vulnerable and can be taken out with only a single arrow! Also, the existence of temporal aberrations and echoes is incredibly inconsistent. Some get killed by the speedster monster, some fade away like in Back To The Future , and presumably Martin Stein's daughter is still walking around unaffected.
The story takes up where last Season's cliffhanger left off. The bad news is, the Legends broke time. The good news is, Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ) fixes it for them. The bad news is, he spends five years doing it so by the time he gets back to the Legends he has no time for them. No pun intended.
Mick Rory (Dominic Purcell - John Doe ) has an unexpected visitor - Julius Caesar (Simon Merrells - Tomorrow People ). The Legends spend most of the episode trying to stop him from messing up history.
In the previous Season, Rip Hunter was missing - and then amnesiac - and then villainous. Now he is still an outsider, working against the team rather than with them. He has set up a new group, the Time Bureau. They are so-called professionals, perhaps because they actually received training. But the definition of the word Professional is that they are paid for their work. And this begs the question - how on Earth does Rip pay for it all?
The Legends are in search of a mission, because they are bored and have nothing better to do with their lives. Also they feel a bit guilty for damaging the time-space continuum almost beyond repair. The natural stop-off would be at the Titanic, which is featured in every time-travel series ever made. Stein (Victor Garber - Alias ) refuses, and says Whoever built that ship ought to be shot! Not only is this ironic because Garber played Thomas Andrews, but one of his co-stars is in this very episode.
The Legends visit the circus of PT Barnum (Billy Zane - Titanic ). Grey is dismissive of the sideshow freaks, and states that Mister Rory would make a more convincing Cro-Magnon. Well of course, Cro-Magnons are identical to modern humans. Everyone knows this, except the people who wrote Sliders .
The freakshow's anachronism is a sabre-toothed tiger. Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ) decides to use his experimental shrink-ray on it, and predictably makes things worse. Sarah decides to go back and recruit Amaya, their animal expert. Unfortunately she is busy back in 1942, during World War Two. She spends her time murdering honest decent soldiers. They are Belgians, and as part of the United Nations against the Axis they would technically be under American command. In other words, she commited murder of American allies in time of war which would count as treason against the USA.
Sarah has a subplot of her own. She faces off against Rip's henchwoman - a butch woman in a pant-suit.
A female Meta-Human time-travels to Seattle in 2042. She attacks an ARGUS wagon that is transporting a villainess in custody.
ARGUS is no longer a covert unit. Meta-humans were made illegal in 2021. Now ARGUS is the main unit to enforce that law.
The animal girl is being taken over by her totem. Stein and the archaeologist try to help her. She refuses to believe there is a scientific cure for her magical problem, so she storms off and accuses them of mansplaining. The archaeologist tries to help her by sharing the African equivalent of peyote with her. Of course, when the team needs help the only one who can fly the ship is high on drugs. Stein is nowhere to be seen - neither partnered with Jax (as a super-powerful hero) nor flying the spaceship to rescue the others.
Sarah faces the female assassin in one-on-one combat. It turns out that Sarah is not as good as she used to be. Likewise, ATOM may have a fancy suit but he is not capable of taking on a meta-human.
Mick Rory volunteers to help out on a Prison Break. Well, this show is known for its in-jokes. After all, how many Titanic references were there in the previous episode?
Back in 1988, the young Ray Palmer ran into trouble with some Men in Black.
Back on the Wave Rider, the adult Palmer causes trouble with his chirpy cheerfulness. Then he disappears, written out of the timeline. The others discover he was killed in 1988. Unfortunately this is only temporary.
The team go back to 1988, two days before young Ray's death. The females on the team disguise themselves by wearing dungarees, while the archaeologist pretends to polish a Delorean.
Young Ray has befriended a baby Dominator, one of the alien species from last Season's crossover event. The team visit his house, which leads on to yet more references to ET: The Extra Terrestrial . The adult Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ) dons his ATOM costume, shrinks down and gets stuck among his childhood action figures. The Archaeologist flirts with Ray's mother.
The Dominator's mother arrives. She tells Sarah Your species cannot be trusted. This is a strange statement, because the Dominators have telepathy and can read a human's mind. They can even telepathically influence human behaviour. In other words, it would be impossible for Sarah to lie to it.
Stein has been acting suspiciously, as if he would rather be elsewhere. This is hardly his fault, because he is the only one of the crew with an actual family. It turns out that his daughter, the aberration, is about to give birth in 2016. Strangely, despite living in a time machine, it is essential that he get to visit her immediately.
The team go back to London in the late Victorian age. They are investigating the case of an apparent vampire, based on the finding of the bodies of young men drained of all their blood. Everyone assumes this is a reference to Dracula , but it turns out to have more in common with Frankenstein .
Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill - Dr Who ) is also in town, working on the same case. While the Time Bureau follows his instructions to deal with Aberrations, they regard his project as being a groundless conspiracy theory. He is hunting a time-travelling super-villain named Mollusc. Yes, the villain cheaped out and did not bother to name himself Molloch, the traditional name for an evil god from Biblical times. Instead he named himself after shellfish. Well, we are half way through the Season and at last the story arc has a villain.
Sarah Lance agrees to help Rip stop the vamp, but will not take any risks even to stop Mollusc. She does not really believe in him, in part no doubt because of his silly name. Also, she wants personal revenge on men who have shown her up in the past. One of them is Rip Hunter himself, who has outsmarted and out-maneuvred her as the ship's Captain.
In a sub-plot, Jax gets Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ) to help him break the psychic bond with Stein. The minor inconvenience of sharing tastes in food is now no longer worth the amazing super-power they share as Firestorm. Well, if they actually teamed up together on missions and used their Firestorm power every week, they would realise how useful it is. Instead, the most powerful player on the team is constantly sidelined - not for random or idiotic reasons, but for no reason at all.
The Legends go to Hollywood in search of a female film star. Not Helen Hunt, but the actual Helen of Troy. Somehow she has escaped the Trojan Wars and is now the centre of attraction in tinsel town, 1937.
Helen has an inexplicable magic power. For some reason, men find her irresistibly attractive. There are no openly homosexual men on the show, so it is not clear if it is gender-based. Sarah Lance appears to be immune, so it could be that lesbians are unaffected by the power. Helen decides that her power is a curse, and that the best place for her would be on an island like Lesbos. This makes no sense her only other power is inherited wealth and status. She is nothing if she cannot be a pretty princess.
It turns out that Stein has always been a big fan of Hedy Lamar . Now she has decided that instead of being eclipsed by Helen she will end her career in acting and get a day job instead. In reality, she would have been a contract player and the Studio would have had her answering telephones anyway when she was not working on one of their movie projects. Stein takes it upon himself to save her from ignominy, because if she cannot be a pretty Princess herself then she will never patent the algorithm that makes the Internet possible. And without digital technology the Wave Rider will not work. Also, she would not be the basis for Agent Carter: Season 2 villainess Madame Masque.
Firestorm is the most powerful character on the team, but as usual he is disabled. This time it is because Stein and Jax have been mind-swapped by Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ). Unfortunately the acting is sub-power, the performances are unconvincing.
The villainous Damien Dork (Neal McDonough Captain America: The First Avenger ) is back from the dead. His accomplice is not his wife but his daughter, who has her mother's looks and her father's magic. A formidable combination!
The team go to Vietnam, 1967, to investigate reports of a strange monster attacking troops. The start certainly seems reminiscent of Predator , in a low-budget made-for-TV way. In fact, Nate actually acknowledges that film - and then invokes Apocalypse Now when he meets Mick's father.
Nate and Mick pose as CIA Field Officers, when they run into a team of Green Berets investigating the same attacks. This forces Mick into an unhappy reunion with his estranged father - their mannerisms are identical, and their weapon of choice is a flamethrower.
Despite there being a monster in the war-zone, POTUS LBJ flies in to inspect the troops. He is disguised as a US Army General - a rank he never held, but still a high value target to Viet Cong snipers. Despite this not-so-cunning disguise there is a large sign at the airbase that says Welcome, President Johnston. So much for the low-key approach.
Stein (Victor Garber - Alias ) stays in the Wave Rider to look after Sarah, who is in a coma. Jax goes out alone to save the day, and refuses to become the super-powerful Firestorm again.
The villain is a recurring character from The Flash . One of the Women-Of-Colour characterises him as just another persecuted Meta, but despite a peaceful relocation attempt he could not even live in peace with his own kind. Yes, he is a terrible example of his species. But a great recruit to Damien Dork's new Legion of Doom.
This is a follow-up to Flash (2014) . Sarah and the characters from Supergirl , Arrow and Flash are in trouble. Just in time, Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh - Superman Returns ) and the other Legends appear. Presumably Barry did not bother to invite them to the wedding, and did not allow Sarah enough spare invites for her whole team.
Professor Stein has been hit. Jax keeps him alive because of their Firestorm connection, but can they successfully separate?
The two sides face off against each other. Each super-human has a counterpart, while the Legends take on a legion of Nazi stormtroopers. Naturally the Nazis all have their faces covered in masks, in order to dehumanise them as expendable cannon-fodder.
The team are still mourning the loss of one of their own. Luckily they have a new member - the Earth-X version of Leo Snart (Wentworth Miller - Dinotopia )! A pity that he did not bring along his gay lover, Russell Tovey ( Dr Who ), who has cool superpowers and is good in a fight. Instead we get his glove-puppet and attempts at psychiatry. Jax is upset because someone died saving him. This is a bit insensitive to tell Snart, whose alter-ego also died in a heroic sacrifice two Seasons ago.
Snart tries to cure Mick Rory of alcoholism. This involves re-programming the ship's replicators to not produce alcohol. Later on the team infiltrate the Vikings by bringing ale for the feast. Hopefully it was not Snart's alcohol-free beer.
Since the Legends are not at their best, Sarah gets some backup for the mission. Specifically she asks the butch woman from the Time Agency to come along. Sort of like a date, unlike the one-night-stand she had with the sister of Supergirl .
In the late 1980s, the younger version of Professor Stein got caught in a Jingle All The Way scenario. He manages to obtain the last of a much-sought-after toy, a talking blue teddy bear named Beebo. Unfortunately he gets transported to the year 1000, where the Vikings worship the talking bear as their new god. Worse, this means that the Vikings stay idol-worshippers and never get Xianised.
Constantine is in the Star City Asylum, conducting an exorcism on a teenage girl. The demon mentions Sarah Lance by name, so Constantine calls in the Legends team to help him out.
Snart (Wentworth Miller - Dinotopia ) is still along for the ride. He is outwardly gay - as Mick puts it, His girlfriend is a guy. Go figure. How ironic, since the show formerly had three openly gay actors but their characters have all been killed off.
Snart's gay-dar is good enough to tell that the time-cop woman is flirting with Sarah. We also discover that Constantine is bi-sexual as well. However, we then get to see what happens when two bi-sexuals bump into each other.
Meanwhile, the straight people have family troubles. The 1940s Vixen tries to brainwash her grandaughter into defecting. Also, Damien Damien Dork (Neal McDonough Captain America: The First Avenger ) decides to brainwash his daughter into becoming the host for the demon. Yes, he is willing to sell her as a meat-suit for an unclean spirit.
The woman investigates everyone's secrets. Yes, she violates every rule of human decency and spies on her friends and cow-orkers in order to discover their innermost secrets.
Captain Blackbeard (Jonathan Cake - Empire ) buries a treasure chest filled with loot. Unfortunately the loot includes the Earth Totem.
The Legends send Sarah off on a date with the butch lady time-cop. Once she is gone, they go off to find Blackbeard's treasure. Who will pose as head of their pirate crew? The Historian, who has all the period-appropriate knowledge? Or Mick the crook, who is a modern-day pirate in all but name? Well, the modern cliche - thanks to Pirates of the Carribean - is the Pirate Queen.
Unfortunately the Royal Navy is also after Blackbeard. Their officers include Damien Dork (Neal McDonough Captain America: The First Avenger ) and his daughter.
Ray Palmer is in the custody of Damien Dork (Neal McDonough Captain America: The First Avenger ) and his daughter. Dork sends Ray and the daughter back to Berlin in 1962, so they can kidnap the man who invented cold fusion. Unfortunately the scientist is being hunted by the younger Dork, who was working as a freelance assassin hired by the Saudi Sheiks.
Rip Hunter has escaped the time-cops and teamed up with Wally West. Yes, this show is still the bin for cast-offs from other Arrowverse shows.
The team discover items aboard the Wave Rider have been changed by historical events. Normally they would be immune, except in cases like the George Lucas event. In other words, whenever it is convenient to the plot.
Only one of the totems is unaccounted for. Earth, air, water and fire are in Dork's hands. The final one is the Death totem. It turns out that this one was Elvis Presley's guitar. As a result, rock music was never invented and Western culture suffered badly as a result.
The team go back to Memphis, Tennessee in 1950. The Dork family are nowhere in sight, even though a totem is at stake. However, Elvis' uncle is a hellfire preacher straight out of Footloose.
Mick has a couple of problems to deal with. First, his pet rat is no longer named after Axel Rose because the Guns 'N Roses band has been temporarily erased from history. Secondly, the rat passes away. Thirdly, the Death totem creates ghosts ... including the ghost of the rat!
This has got to be the greatest in-joke in the show so far, far surpassing all references to movies like Titanic and Superman Returns . Mick is watching Lord of the Rings which causes the others to realise that the season's villain, Mollusc, sound just like the actor John Noble. This inspires them to send Ray Palmer back to 1999 so he can meet the actor on the set of the movie.
The villain makes his first proper appearance. He is a horned god, with the wings of a bat and the horns of a musk-ox. Well, it is more original than the usual goat-horns. Also, he introduces himself as MALICE - not Mollusc, so it actually makes a lot more sense.
The Legends hide out in the wild west town which is off the time-travel map. Malice sends his army, led by Julius Caesar (now played by a different actor). The Legends get reinforcements, including Helen of Troy - who has been trained as an Amazon warrior.
The Legends visit the 1960s, and save the Beatles from an anti-British terrorist named Paul Revere. Yes, the team are basically working in a Timecop role to prevent unintentional time-travelers from altering history.
Sarah is unhappy to be called into the office by Eva. This does not make sense, since they are not merely lovers but they are now living together. They are so comfortable together that they wear baggy unattractive night-shorts in bed. Constantine , one of Sarah's other lovers, drops by to warn her that a monster is loose in history. Of course, Sarah wants to keep it secret from Eva. Not only is Sarah sleeping with her boss (a bad idea in the #MeToo era) but their relationship is based on a lie.
Ray goes back in time to Woodstock, in the belief that Nora is responsible for the temporal anomaly. The others all go back there too, having separately discovered that something bad would happen.
The monster is a unicorn. It looks nice, but it eats human hearts. Its horn is not merely long and hard, it also squirts sticky fluid. Not only is this perverse phallic symbolism, but it also contains a hallucinogen.
The team need a virgin to catch the unicorn. Luckily they have Gary the Time Agent. It turns out that the gay sex acts he got up to with Constantine (of all people) do not constitute loss of virginity. Also, if Constantine was lovers with both Sarah and Gary, does that mean Gary is good enough for Sarah?
Constantine joins the Legends as a consultant. Well, his own show got canceled a few years ago but the people running the Arrow-verse are trying to bring it back as a series of made-for-TV movies. Anyway, since the monsters are magical then he is the perfect person for the job.
The time-jump is back to the Salem witch-trials. Timeless already did this a couple of years ago, but this show puts its own spin on the story. The magical entity behind the witchy goings-on is a Fairy Godmother. Well, this Season has a fairytale theme like Once upon A Time . The Fairy wants to get revenge on humans, so she stirs up trouble. When an isolated community turns against someone because they feel that person is a threat to the community, Maya the black chick takes the side of the outsider. The Legends get involved, but must maintain the time-line.
Ray has decided to sit out the Legends tour of duty. Instead he hangs out in Washington DC and tries to bond with his father. This is difficult, because his father a big insider in the US Military-Industrial complex thinks he is a deadbeat because he is always broke. Of course, the reason he is broke is that the Legends only get paid in friendship from the historical personages they save.
Ray crashes at the Time Cops HQ. Well, he works for them without a salary so the least they can do is put him up for the night. He makes himself useful by helping the boss ( Jes Macallan ) with her budget proposal. Yes, the Time Cops are funded by the US Government. It only costs the taxpayers four thousand million a year - you could not even get an aircraft carrier for that price! If only they could scrape together enough money to put the Legends on the payroll.
After the events of the previous episode, Nate the historian volunteers for desk duty. He hangs around with Gary, the bisexual guy who flirts with the taco delivery girl and then uses the neuraliser on her (like in Men In Black ) when he messes up and gives away too much info. The guys go back in time to check out an anomaly in person, rather than go through the usual procedures that Civil Servants are meant to do. This results in a prehistoric triffid running loose in the office for comedic effect.
Remember, Nate's superpower is that he is literally made of metal, and as such he is the strongest of the Legends. Just like the Nuclear Flying Man was, until he got written out as well. This seems to be a common thing with this show - sideline the most powerful characters, until they can be removed.
The main mission is in London, 1977. The team have to track down a punk rock band called The Smell, before they alter history by dethroning her Majesty the Queen. In that year the Sex Pistols' version of God Save The Queen was top of the music charts, and the BBC reported there was no Number One. Now we get the song played as part of the episode's sound track.
Ray gets stuck undercover with the band, and tries to pass himself off as a punk. Unfortunately his previous trip to the seventies was in the previous Season, when he was a headliner in a Disco act.
Sarah and her girlfriend Ava ( Jes Macallan ) are hanging out watching a low-budget horror movie named Swamp Thaaaang. This is apparently based on true events, although this did not happen in the original time-line. Therefore Sarah and her boss call off their date night to hurry off on the mission in their time machine. Yes, they are time-travellers who cannot spare a few hours for dinner and a movie.
Nate and Gary are left in charge of the Time Bureau's office. The ethnic girl is put in charge of the prisoner, a former shape-shifter who looks like the previous Season's ethnic girl. Mick Rory (Dominic Purcell - Blade Trinity ) is hanging around somewhere.
The four main white characters go undercover as camp counsellors. The camp is gender-segregated, so the team pair off into mismatched couples. Ray and Ava are the by-the-book ones, while Constantine and Sarah are the more relaxed and friendly ones.
Sarah and Ava take Constantine's magic de-aging potion so they can pose as pre-teenagers and act as bait for the monster. Yes, the climactic battle against the monster is performed by a pair of twelve-year-olds.
Constantine has a couple of good lines. Firstly he tells the team that he knows a Swamp Thing , obviously a reference to the DC universe character of that name. Then he tells Ray Palmer to stay away from magic-users, because Ray might end up like a good friend to Constantine's. However, Constantine's magic is becoming depleted. Ray suggests a replacement Nora Darke. Will the Legends stay true to their purpose and redeem a former villain? That was the theme of the Marvel movie series Guardians of the Galaxy , although it did not work that way behind the scenes for director James Gunn .
It is Thanksgiving in the USA. Unfortunately Sarah and her team get an alert so they have to go off on a mission. In their time machine. Yes, they are time-travelers and yet they have to miss an event because of scheduling. They seem to have missed the concept of time travel entirely. Ironically, Sarah's boss/lover Ava ( Jes Macallan ) manages to use time travel to attend a Thanksgiving dinner she missed.
Sarah and the team go to Tokyo, 1951. A monster has been sighted in the bay, and it will destroy the city. Yes, real Godzilla stuff. The new team member, a former fugitive, confirms that the monster is not one of the other fugitives. It is the product of a book cursed (or blessed) by the Keltic goddess Bridget, which makes the dreams of creative people come to life.
Back at Time Team HQ, Nick the historian's dad pays a visit. He invites Nick to Thanksgiving, since he is a family member. And Nick's boss gets an invite as well, which is inappropriate and awkward but people seem okay with it. Unfortunately Nick gets called back to the office on an emergency and the boss has to cover with his family for his absence.
Back at the office, Gary the bisexual virgin has been left in charge. Everyone, including the security staff, has been given the day off. He takes this as an excuse to attempt a seduction of the girl who delivers his lunch. What could possibly go wrong? Well, there is an unguarded cell with some monsters inside who have not been fed or given tranquilisers.
Constantine is still in a bad way. Ray Palmer goes and finds Nora Darke, the only one who can use magic to save the team's magician. Yes, the Time Bureau has no friendly magic-users on staff. Nora is unhappy at the idea of using magic again, because she is afraid the power will corrupt her. Can Ray talk her into doing something she feels is unethical?
The boss, Ava ( Jes Macallan ) tries to have some illicit on-the-job sex in the office with Sarah, her underling. An obvious case of #MeToo abuse of power. Later she tries to chide Ray for sending Nora Darke a love letter, and the new Asian nerdy girl for passing the letter to the inmate. However, the girls bond over their problems with their parents.
Nick's father Hank wants to hold the Legends to account for their extravagant costs. For example, they buy expensive historical costumes while every other time-traveler would simply go back in time and then pick up some appropriate clothes when they arrive there. Nick persuades his old man to conduct a surprise inspection, and to accompany the Legends on a mission so he can see for himself.
The team goes back to Paris, France, in the year 1929. Picasso saw a monster, while Hemmingway helps the Legends hunt it. The Fitzgeralds (F. Scott and Zelda) give relationship advice.
Constantine provides some musk from a female minotaur. Well, there must be a whole species of the creatures while in legend there was only one of them.
The team visit New Orleans in 1836 to hunt a serial killer. Unfortunately Constantine has bad memories of the place, or will have them in a hundred and eight years time. Not only does this knock him off his game, but he also falls fould of Marie Leveau - the local Voodoo queen who was also featured in American Horror Story: Coven .
The serial killer is a demonically doll named Mike the Spike (Paul Reubens - PeeWee Herman ). This is reminiscent of a storyline in Buffy: Season One , and the guest-star also appeared in the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie.
Now that the very fabric of space-time has been altered, the survivors jump from universe to universe in an attempt to find the right timeline.
In one universe, the male survivors form a team called the Guardians of the Chronology . Nick and Ray are dumbed down to Mick Rory's level.
In one universe, the female survivors form a team called the Sirens of Space-Time . They dress in sexy cleavage-enhancing catsuits, and are a super-competent team straight out of Charlie's Angels .
Mona the Chinese girl saved her beast-man boyfriend from the MIBs, and sent him to a random location in space and time. Now the Legends have to recover him, before he ruins the timeline. They link him to a murder in Mexico City, 1961. When they go there, they discover he is now a professional Mexican wrestler. A bit like when a certain character's fate was revealed in Thor: Ragnarok .
Nick and his GF stay in Washington to work at the Time Bureau. They suspect someone in the Bureau is working with the MIBs. Sarah abandons the mission to meet her boss/lover Ava ( Jes Macallan ) at a black-collar function. To pass information covertly, they dance the tango together. Yes, two hot women in revealing evening dresses dance in front of a crowd, and nobody pays the slightest bit of attention to them.
Special appearance by Paul Reubens ( Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992) ) as the voice of Dybbuk.
Back in 1973, Tricky Dicky Nixon became unbelievably honest. As a result, he would have to resign before the Watergate scandal, which would prevent Robert Redford's career from recovering. Somehow, no All The President's Men would also mean no Sundance Film Festival, indie cinema or artful nudity. This is Mick Rory's train of thought, so the Legends abduct Nixon.
Hank and the Time Bureau are onto the Legends. They take over the Wave Rider, so the Legends have to escape in a caravanette. Hank follows in hot pursuit, like the sheriff in Smokey And The Bandit. Zahari becomes a radio DJ to warn the team, reminiscent of The Warriors (1979).
Gary is left in the office. He recruits Daughter Darhk to help him. They discover more clues about Hank's secret project.
The Legends attend the funeral of a certain Time Bureau member. They get called away when Mona discovers Jane Austen ( Pride and Prejudice and Zombies ) has fallen victim to a supernatural fugitive. The female team-members go back to 1809, where they discover that People of Colour can wander around Regency England without drawing attention to themselves.
The fugitive is Kama Deva, the Hindu god of love. His power is to make everyone follow their hearts - not a good thing in an era when marriage was a career, not usually a love match. This leads onto the usual tropes of a Musical episode, with a Bollywood-style dance routine instead of the usual Americanised stuff.
Ray Palmer conceals a different fugitive, Daughter Darhk. The magical interference makes it hard for them to keep their hands off each other. It turns out that Ray is not just plastic-faced; he is as smooth and hairless as a ken-doll.
Mick, Rory and Nate stay at the funeral and the wake. The dead man's ghost is still hanging around, with an important message about who his real killer is.
Sarah breaks into the apartment of her boss/lover Ava ( Jes Macallan ), and discovers the signs of a struggle. The demon has taken Ava, and is preparing her as the next host. Constantine helps Sarah psychically enter Ava's purgatory, a retail outlet called MegaStor. Together they must talk through Ava's neuroses in order to escape.
Nora and Constantine try to imprison the demon. Just as last week's Hindu love god's power was to spread love, so the demon's power is to spread anger and violence to all around him.
Nate and Ray investigate the construction site of Dramagic Park. This whole sub-plot, so vital to the core of the Season, is played for laughs.
Ray complains he has been having weird dreams, and then discovers that his hand is demonically possessed. His response is a reference to Evil Dead 2 , although his response is not the same as Ash's. Constantine ( ) is off on a quest for the ingredients of a spell to cure Nora, so Ray has to take help from Gary instead.
A literary convention offers twenty thousand dollars appearance fee to Rebecca Silver, the sex-positive feminist writer. Of course, nobody knows that she is really the nom-de-plum of Mick Rory ( ) - a virtual cave-man. Luckily there is a shape-shifter on the Legends crew, and she talks Mick into letting her play the role.
Sarah and Ava join Mona and Nora for that staple of the bored middle-class house-wife, a book-group with an ample supply of wine. Of course, Mona is the only actual singleton - Nora does not count, since she is in a coma.
Nate and Zaphiri take a mission at the Adventurers' Club, New york City, in the 1930s. Nate has been issued with a phony ID card of Dr Henry Jones Junior, and the opposition include some Nazi spies. Is this a romantic date setup, courtesy of Sara? The McGuffin is a big golden egg. Is it a fake, like the Maltese Falcon, or a dragon egg like in Game of Thrones ?
The demon, using Ray's body, has taken Constantine to the Donner Pass ... in the Ice Age. The Legends will track him down sooner or later, but he has a plan. This leads to Mick Rory getting impatient with Sara, so either he will mutiny or she will rage-quit. This is a pity, because as they point out in the show Sara and Mick are the last of the original Legends crew.
Gary is back at the Time Bureau, and he magically persuades Ava to let him do staff performance reviews. This will paralyse operations, but most people are taken in by Gary's new cool-guy aura. Mona realises something is wrong, but Nora has only just been hired and does not want to start any trouble.
Demon Ray takes John Constantine to a Celtic village in 55 BCE. The local ruler, King Constantine (yes, the progenitor of John's line), scares his minions and increases his own magical power by sending harmless magical creatures to Hell at the local Stonehenge. Can John prevent further abuses?
Gary is running the Time Bureau, with help from the Fairy Godmother. Although he is no longer evil, because his cursed nipple got eaten, he is still abusing his access to the Fairy's powers. He tries to force the Legends to accept him into their team. Power corrupts ... but the Legends are basically z-list supervillains who have infinite power and no imagination. Whatever Gary does is nothing compared to what Mick Rory did ... or what the other legends did to Mick.
Demon Ray goes public with the existence of monsters, and claims he will use his ATOM suit to protect the world. His main goal is getting the population to download a phone app so they can participate in a modern-day witch-hunt. The terms and services include a sell-your-soul clause.
Zahiri and the shapeshifter go on the run together. This allows us a reminder of Zahiri's sob story, being oppressed because she was a meta-human AND a Muslim. Yes, the metaphor is not enough for the audience.
Constantine goes to Hell to save the real Ray. It looks like a dodgy part of a contemporary city. Since Constantine has a lot of friends and enemies in Hell, he meets with the ruling triumvirate - Satan, Belial and Beelzebub. They give him a terrible choice - save Ray (and the world) or save Astra (the girl he failed to save in an exorcism).
Nora uses her Fairy Godmother powers to save Constantine from Hell. Their next step is to rob Neron's vault of souls, so they can free Ray Palmer's soul. This means they will need help. Instead of rescuing Damian Darhk, they find out what happened to Vandal Savage (Caspar Crump - ).
Neron, AKA Demon Ray, plans to Make Earth hell Again.
Young Zahiri has found the baby dragon, and exploits it by taking it to school in order to earn herself respect and friendship from her peers. This is not that different from Hank's plan for the magical safari park. The good news is that the safari park could prove that magical creatures are not a threat. The bad news is that by pre-emptively ending the panic, they would prevent the ARGUS crack-down in Zahiri's back-story.
The magical creatures, which the Time Bureau was keeping in prison cells, are now hidden aboard the Wave Rider. They claim to be abused by humans, but when Gary tries to befriend them all they do is victimise him. If they were put to work in the safari park, would that count as exploitation? Would they be swapping a prison cell for a zoo cage? If they were paid employees in the entertainment sector, this would put them in the same position as the robotic hosts in Westworld (2016) .
To promote the safari park, they advertise with Franchise superheroes. Sara dresses as Supergirl , Nate is Arrow and Gary is The Flash . Since this is set in a world where meta-humans are real, the population must already accept that there are super-villains as well as super-heroes. In other words, the witch-hunt panic is redundant.
Anyway, Sara's superhero stage-show is not meant to be action-adventure, which the crowd are hoping for, but a touchy-feely lets-be-friends effort. This is actually an improvement over the usual superhero stuff, which involves solving all their problems with violence. The ending is actually the worst of both worlds. Violence towards the antagonists, and tweeness to everyone else.